Like You Mean It

Working Through It

After a week of being at the hospital, I was finally released to go back home. Chris took me to his house just so that he could be near me when I needed him. He's been an immense help this last couple of weeks after everything happened.

Today he had to go back to work, after taking the last couple of weeks off to help me.

I decide to head to my apartment to start packing my things up, but make the choice to stop by the hospital to see the girls before I make it to my place.

I pull up to the hospital parking lot and I feel my hands start to shake. My nerves have now been triggered, and I'm doing everything I can to swallow the lump in my throat.

Even two weeks after what happened, this place is starting to give me this reaction just from me parking.

I take a deep breath and will myself to be stronger than him, stronger than my emotions, and just walk in and face my fears head on. I step out of my car and let out a shaky breath.

I start walking to the front of the hospital while looking all around me. Who knew I could become this paranoid. As I approach the front of the hospital, I start to feel my heart beat faster. My hands are getting clammy and I'm starting to sweat, even though it's still very cold outside.

I feel my breath start becoming shorter and shorter, until I feel like I can't take a good deep breath. At that moment I realize I'm starting to have a panic attack. I hold on to my chest, willing my heart to stop pounding so hard. I'm doing all I can to try to take a deep breath, but every part of my brain is in full panic mode, and it won't let up.

I can hear the sound of muffled voices calling out to me. I can't quite make out what they're saying, but I know they are talking to me. I start to see blurred faces around me, and I can't seem to grasp anyone or anything that is happening around me.

All of a sudden I feel my legs give out and I start falling, but I don't fall. I look up, and someone has caught me in their arms. I'm not sure who it is, but they are pulling me into the hospital before sitting me down on a chair.

I start to breathe in the familiar air of the hospital, as my vision starts to become less blurred. I now see Ashley standing in front of me telling me to breathe along with her. I start following her breathing pattern until I finally start to feel all my senses kick back into gear, and I can finally breathe correctly.

I now notice I have tears streaming down my face. I feel emotionally and physically drained in this moment, and all I want to do is forget.

Ashley hands me a water bottle and I chug it quickly. "What are you doing here Charlie? You should be home resting!"

"I wanted to see y'all. I wanted to be able to come back here, and prove that I'm stronger than what he tried to do." I let out a broken sob as I feel like I have failed.

"Oh, Charlie, honey. It's going to take time! Two weeks is not enough to work through what happened. You need to give yourself some time to properly heal." Ashley wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly as she rubs my head.

I let her comforting embrace take over my senses, and I start to feel the exhaustion. "I think I'm going to need a ride home, I don't think I can make it there on my own."

"Aren't you staying with Chris?" I nod as I bite the inside of my cheek.

"I am, but I need to start packing up my place. We're moving in together." I smile softly as she shakes her head at me.

"You are in no shape to be packing up your place by yourself right now, Charlie." I let out a huff.

"So, what? I'm just supposed to sit around wallowing in self pity because of a disgusting thing a depraved man tried to do to me? I'm just forced to relive the memory over and over in my head all day and all night?" I start to get louder as I feel myself getting more agitated.

"Charlotte Marie Harris! You stop it right now! I know you are feeling a lot, but do not get that tone with me!" I look down ashamed.

"I'm sorry Ash, I just, it's just... I don't know how to feel right now, or even how to think... It's like my entire world is crumbling around me." I cry into her shoulder as she rubs my back trying to soothe me.

"I know it all seems bad right now, but trust me, you will work through it and get better. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's not going to be easy and it will be a long process, but things will get better, and you will come out stronger than you were before. Have you gotten in touch with a therapist yet?" I shake my head and she sighs. "Well, that's your first step Charlie. You need to get in with a therapist, and you need to work through everything in your mind, no holding back, do you understand me?" I nod as I take a deep breath.

"Thanks Ash." She smiles softly at me before patting my back.

"I'll call Chris to come get you." I go to protest, but I see the look she gives me, and decide against it.

A few minutes later Chris pulls up to the front of the hospital and runs inside. He spots me and rushes over to me pulling me for a tight hug.

"Are you okay? What were you thinking Char?" He looks upset, tired and relieved all at the same time. "Let's get you home to rest. Thanks Ash."

She waves us off after she gives me a hug and the card for a therapist. I stare at the card the entire drive home. It's quiet in the car. I don't know what to say, and I know Chris is a little upset at me for going to the hospital today.

One of the first things he told me when I was able to come home was to not go by the children's hospital without him until I was ready. Well, I thought I was, but I was sorely mistaken.

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We get home, and I quietly walk into the house and sit on the couch in the living room. I'm expecting Chris to blow up at me, and start yelling at me for being so naive as to think I was ready to go back there. I'm surprised when he just quietly walks into the kitchen and starts the tea kettle to boil some water.

A few minutes later he brings me a cup of tea before he sits down on the couch quietly drinking his own tea.

"Aren't you going to say anything? Or even yell at me?" Chris looks at me confused. "I shouldn't have gone today, I know I shouldn't have, but I thought I was ready, and I didn't want to feel like a scared child by having you hold my hand." He takes a deep breath before he puts his tea cup down.

"Char, I'm not going to yell or lecture you about anything. You are an adult, and you are allowed to make your own choices. Did it upset me to get Ashley's call today? Of course it did, but not for the reasons you're thinking. I know how independent you are, but I was hoping that you would take my advice and wait to go back there. I don't need to hold your hand, I just wanted to be there for you in case what happened today happened. Charlie, all I want is the best for you. I'm your boyfriend, not your dad, and I'm not going to dictate what to do, but just trust me enough to let me go through this healing process with you."

I look at him with tears in my eyes as I lean forward and pull him into a hug. "I'm sorry Chris, I do trust you, I just wanted to prove that I wasn't a broken mess!"

I sob as he runs his fingers through my hair to calm me down. He lets me get it all out without saying a word until I can't cry anymore. It's just what I needed and he could tell.

Once I'm done crying he lifts my chin so our eyes can meet. "You aren't alone in this Char. It's you and me against the world. You aren't a broken mess, and you will work through this, you just need to accept the help we all are trying to offer you."

I nod before he leans down to softly kiss my lips. "What's that card you've been playing with since we left the children's hospital?"

I look down at where I put it on the coffee table and pick it up. "It's the number for a therapist that Ashley gave me."

"Are you thinking about going to therapy?" He looks at me with hope and curiosity in his eyes.

"I'll call them tomorrow. Do you think you can come with me whenever I need you by my side?" He softly kisses the top of my head as he pulls me into his chest.

"I will go to the ends of the world with you Charlie. Just say the word and I will be with you every step of the way." I nod as I will my tears to not fall.

I inhale his scent before I let the exhaustion of the day finally rush over me, as I'm lulled to sleep by the sound of Chris' heart and the vibrations of his chest as he softly hums a lullaby.