Beyond the Dying Ablaze (TBHK fanfic)

Mentality affected my acedia

She hated everything. She hated who she became. She despised the new routine she forced herself to play, just to keep her friend safe. She wanted to warn him, wanted to tell him to run, to escape the hell trap that she is. This isn't right. Is it? It shouldn't be. It can't be. She doesn't believe that it should be.

She was dangerous, she was sick in the head, she was stuck in a body for multiple. All because of a deal she shouldn't have committed. For this sickly deal, she was controlled by many, a body that didn't even feel like her own, and dangers crossed her path in ways more than one. Is she even herself anymore? Is she just one of them? Who's the real her? Who's the real Yogen?

Her stomach urged, and ragged, and cried, yet she didn't do anything to provide herself with food. She didn't deserve it. She wasn't a real human being, was she?

The answer was simple. So simple, it made me question on why she even questioned in the first place. Silly girl.

No, she isn't a real human being. She was one though. But not anymore.

Not after selling her body to the soul she loathed.

...

The air was cold and raw, breezing against his debilitated face. He felt sickly, detached, demoralized. He ached for warmth, or something soft instead, just something to get his mind off that bitter, brumal feeling of his skin against his. He despised the feeling more than anything, and wished he had the power to put an end to Hanako. For that matter, might as well be the Yugi twins themselves.

He hated the way he thought. The way he was thinking with hatred about the apparition, who was once his friend. He felt guilt in the pit of his stomach, yet the hatred never went away. It was just a confusing mixture of emotions, that kept being brewed into an even more painful dump of disorientation. He felt sick, violated, abused, disgusted, angry, ticked, guilty, nervous, just too many for him to think and truly feel at the moment. Was he even feelings those emotions? Was he feeling anything at all?

Was everything...worth it?

The question constantly roared at him, like a fuming lion, yet a petrified mouse. Was him being curious worth it? Was him meeting Yogen worth it? Was him risking his life worth it? Was him even meeting Hanako worth it? It was a complicated question, that he would immediately assume to be no. Yet, he thought. He thought it over, so much so, his migraine was starting to actually get worse. But he has an answer. He was happy with Yogen, considering that they tried to warn him of his future. He was even happy with Hanako, considering that he was a trusted friend, even if he became Kou's worst nightmare.

He was content with the players, but not how the game was played. How truly cruel the outcome was. A sick playoff that led to Kou confused and crushed from the inside out. He wanted to be freed of the hellfire that circled in his mind over, and over, and over again. His chest ached with the everlasting reminder of it, and he just had to lay there and take it.

He will never forgive the ill apparition for what he has done. Not over his own body.

———

"Mmm! Mm-MMM!" Kou shuffled and strained on the cloth that wrapped his discolored wrists together. He tried to be freed for the past 30 minutes, but it wasn't working. Tears were prickling in the corner of his eyes while saliva ran down his chin. Hanako was on top of Kou, watching with a mixture of amusement and fatigue. He had his chin against his palm, as he was seated knee-up and caged Kou between his legs. Kou hunched his back and let out a gruff, then laid limp against the floor.