The American and the Duke

Chapter 22 Katerina

It has been two months since I left Rowan. Since I left London. I have turned every caller away. I did not want to speak to anyone. Not James, not even Talia, no one. I wanted to be alone. I needed time to think. I knew that Rowan had a past, that we still had to get to know one another. But the idea that what Eveyln said was true makes me wonder if the man I married was a fraud. A few weeks into my seclusion, I felt violently ill. The housekeeper called the physician. The physician confirmed my suspicions. I was with child,  I was going to be a mother. And the notion of that made me even more fearful. If Rowan and I did not reconcile, where would I raise this child? A part of me wanted to go to Rowan and tell him that I was carrying his child. That we should try to speak about what happened. The other part of me wanted to reach out to my father, who was still residing in London. Tell him what had happened. Tell him to take me back to Boston. Raise my child in Boston, in America. Where he or she could be anything, love anyone. Not have the sins of the past haunt them for the rest of their lives. Burdened by the sins of their father.  Could I go back to Boston? Forget about Rowan? Forget about the love we have? Did I still love him? Yes, I did. I fell in love with him, and my heart belonged to him fully. But could I go back to him? I did not know. I did not know if I could fully trust him again.

After being at the cottage for almost three months, I sent a letter to my brother. Calling him and my father to the cottage. I need my family right now. I needed advice, and the best advice was from my father. Three days after I sent the letter they came. Worry etched on both their faces. I had tea laid out in the garden, the day was warm and beautiful. I told them everything, and how I wanted to leave England. Have my child born in America and born in Boston. Leave my husband, and never return to England again. Could I do that to Rowan? Never tell him that he would have a child? I did not know. All I knew was that I was hurt and that I was angry.

“Leave, Katerina Howard, you are married now. You cannot leave. It would not be best to have a child born without a father. Every child needs a father,” papa said. His voice was soft but stern. Did he not understand what had happened? That Rowan was not honest with me. Honest with himself about what he wanted from this marriage. That this rumor could destroy us. That he very well lied to me.

“Rowan lied to me, papa. Made me believe that he loved me. And now I find out that not only does he have a mistress. But he has a son. A son that he made a promise to,” I replied. Both James and papa looked at one another. As if they knew that this would happen As if they knew something I didn’t. As if more had happened while I was out of London.

“Gemma, have you not read any letters we have sent you,” James asked. I shook my head. All the letters remained unopened on the table by the window. I could not bring myself to read any letters. Fearing that they all would say the same thing. To come back to London. To talk to Rowan. But I could not. I was not ready to do such a thing.

“No, I was afraid that you would all say to forgive and go back to Rowan,” I replied. James and papa stared at one another. Both knowing I had spoken the truth.

“Kat, it was your aunt who paid Evelyn Thompson 500 pounds to say that child was Rowan’s. To plant the seed of doubt in your mind. Rowan came to us and told us everything. He has not seen her in three years. And he wanted to tell you,” James said. I thought this would bring relief to me. But it did not.

“They still were together, she claimed that he loved her. That she was his everything. The same words that he spoke to me,” I whispered. Feeling that anger and resentment come up. 

“You knew, or at least had a notion that Rowan was with other women before he met you. That he was no virgin. We all have our first loves. But he wants you, he married you,” James said. I nodded, not expecting him to be a virgin when we married. But I did not think his past would come to haunt us.