A Healing Heart

Chapter 18

The last two days had been really difficult for everyone, especially Meredith. Since she had accepted Derek, he had been coming too see her as much as he could and she could feel herself becoming more relaxed around him. Once she was awake completely, Addison and her attending had come back in to do a rape quit and with persuasion from Ellis, she reluctantly agreed because deep down she wanted this man to pay for what he did to her.

She was being discharged this afternoon because she could recover from home but now she was sat in her hospital room alone replaying the scene in her head. She couldn't make it stop. She watched the same scene in her sleep and it terrified her for every second she had to endure again. The silence was also something that scared her, the feeling of being alone paired with the silence made her paranoid that someone could sneak up and grab her from behind again. She tried to shake the thoughts away because she needed to get better for her daughter, for herself.

She pulled herself out of her hospital bed and walked slowly over to the adjoining bathroom where she turned the cold water on on the tap, she put her hands under the water and cupped it before bringing them up to her face. The feel of control brought her relief and the coolness of the water against her skin calmed her down. She took a deep breath before looking back up in mirror, gasping sharply as she saw Derek stood in her room.

"Derek! You scared the crap out of me!" She whimpered.

"I'm so sorry, I just came in to see you and you weren't in the bed. Are you okay?" He asked with concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She said walking out of the bathroom.

"Mer." Derek sighed.

"What?" She said agitatedly.

"You can talk to me, you know. I'll listen to you."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Meredith please, you need to talk to someone about this."

"Derek just drop it! I don't want to talk about it so stop pushing me!" She snapped finally before getting back into her bed.

Derek sat on the chair next to her, his hands held together in his knees, he calmed himself down before he spoke again.

"I know that your hurting Mer, and you have every right to be, I understand but-"

"Oh, you understand? You understand do you!?" She shouted.

"I- I didn't mean it like that, I-"

"You understand what it feels like to be beaten by a man nearly double the size of you? You understand what it feels like when his breath is circling down your ear? You understand what it feels like when he rips your clothes off of you and violates you whilst you scream for him to stop? Because if that's what your telling me then I must be stupid!" Tears rolling down her cheeks as she finally broke.

They didn't realise that her shouting had caught the attention of their mothers, and they stood at the door watching the two, watching as Meredith fought Derek.

"You didn't deserve any of that." Derek looked at his palms shaking his head.

Meredith stayed quiet.

"I want to be here for you Mer, I want to help you through this because you deserve the best. I told you that I loved you and now-"

"It's okay Derek, I get it. I get it if you find me disgusting and you don't love me anymore, I wouldn't love me either." She turned her face  away from him

"What? Meredith." He breathed as he gently reached for her chin, giving her his dreamy smile as she flinched.

"I wasn't going to say that, I could never say that Meredith because I will never not love you. I was going to say that I love you even more now than I ever do, you are the strongest woman I know and Ellyse is blessed to have you in her life."

"I tried to stop him Der, I tried to fight him away." Her voice cracking as she spoke quietly.

"I know you did Mer." He whispered sadly, "can I hug you?"

Meredith nodded her head and shortly after she gasped in relief as his warm arms took her in his, she felt at home with him as she began to cry in his chest, his hand rubbing her back that trembled.

"I'm so sorry." She cried.

"Meredith, I never want to hear you say your sorry again. This isn't your fault, you have done nothing wrong." He pulled her back and looked into her eyes.

He could see the internal battle she was having with herself as he looked at her and he desperately wished he could take away all of her pain, but he couldn't, she had to find a way through the darkness herself.

"They're still so in love." Carolyn whispered to Ellis.

***
After many arguments, Meredith was finally and reluctantly sitting in the wheelchair as she was being discharged from the hospital. As happy as she was to be going home, a part of her was scared to go outside because it wasn't safe and she had a recent experience of that.

Derek stood behind her pushing the chair and Carolyn carried Ellyse who was talking nervously to Ellis.

"So my mommy is my mommy and your my mommy's mommy?" she asked her.

"I am, I'm your grandma." Ellis smiled.

"But grandma is my grandma." she frowned as she looked at Carolyn.

"I'm your daddy's mommy, but she's your mommy's mommy." Carolyn explained as they walked through the reception.

"But your both called grandma?" the young girl was confused and Meredith and Derek couldn't help but giggle as they listened to the conversation.

"I'm your grandma Shepherd and she's your grandma Grey." Carolyn laughed.

"That's confusing!" Ellyse sighed.

"Okay then, why don't you call me, um..." Ellis paused as she tried to think of another name.

"GG! I can call you GG!" Ellyse shouted with excitement.

"Hey, that's a good name Ell's." Meredith smiled as she turned back to look at her daughter in the parking lot.

"Mommy, that's gg!" She pointed to Ellis who was watching her with a huge smile.

"I know." Meredith chuckled with her eyebrows raised.

"She is you, Meredith." Ellis laughed as she joined Meredith and Derek a few minutes later.

"You think? I think she looks exactly like Derek."

"Good looking kid." Derek said.

"Cocky." Meredith laughed.

"You love it." He winked.

Meredith's smile slowly dropped and she felt awkward, she turned around quickly not seeing Derek mouth words to himself.

"Stupid, stupid idiot." he mouthed.

Ellis helped her into the car and Derek folded down the wheelchair and put it in the back of the car, they had been given it to borrow in case Meredith needed it at home since as she had bruised her tailbone quite badly from the fall.

"She does look a lot like Derek but her personality is all you. God help you when she is a teenager." Ellis joked.

"Yeah, thanks mom." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"She's great, Meredith. You did a wonderful job." She smiled looking back in awe at her granddaughter.

"She's perfect." Meredith breathed.

***
Has anyone read 'normal people' by Sally Rooney? I have just started reading it today but I've never read any of her books. I'm obsessed with Colleen Hoover and I keep re-reading the same 3 books!