A Healing Heart

Chapter 19

I'm including a tw for my authors note at the bottom.

Since Meredith had been discharged from the hospital a little under a week ago, she had really been struggling and she wasn't convinced that anyone had even noticed. She nibbled on small amount of food here and there but most of her consumption was coffee to cover up for the sleep she was missing out on, she was at the point where she was afraid to go to sleep in case she didn't wake up in time and had to relive the nightmare all over again.

Everyone had been super supportive and Ellis and Carolyn had decided to stick around for a little while, Carolyn staying in a hotel close by to her apartment. It was currently 3:43am and Meredith sat alone in her kitchen, a hot cup of coffee glued to her hands as she read the same book she'd been reading since she was discharged. This was her life now and she hated it.

Her eyes were stinging and the coffee burnt her tongue as she sipped it but she didn't mind, the pain felt good to her and the hum from the tv comforted her in the dark. She wanted to shower because she felt dirty, every second of every day she felt dirty like she had been branded and categorised into a number, a number that you read about in statistics, a number that you as well as prayer and hope, never expect to become. She was a victim, she knew that, she didn't want to be but she was and that was stuck to her for life like a bag of damaged goods.

Her fingernails found a comfort in scratching the wood clippings on the table where she sat and Ellis had noticed, or she had noticed in the 10 minutes she had spent silently watching her daughter. She was at a loss and she didn't know what to do because the woman sat in front of her wasn't her daughter or at least she wasn't the girl she remembered, she had expected change but not because of an event like this. Meredith was strong, she always had been, ever since she was a child she was a force of nature and deep down she still was that girl somewhere, she just needed to find her again.

"Meredith?" Ellis stepped out of the darkness so Meredith could see her.

She jumped, "You scared me. What are you doing up?"

"What are you doing up?" Ellis responded with the same question.

"I'm reading." she gestured her book.

"You're not. I've been stood there for the last ten minutes and not once has the page turned." she stated taking the seat next to her.

"Oh." Meredith frowned at the book.

"Do you want some coffee?" she put the book down and got up to get another cup.

"Coffee? Is that why you can't sleep?" Ellis watched her closely.

"I can sleep."

"You can't Mer, you haven't slept in days, your bed is untouched."

"I don't know what you're talking about, I sleep fine." she avoided her eyes.

"Let me help you Mer." Ellis pulled her gently.

"No! Get off of me!" she instantly got scared and Ellis backed away quickly.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." she apologised.

Meredith was breathing quickly, her hands shaking as she analysed her mother who stood in front of her watching her closely. She saw the concerned look painted on her face and felt like she was in the hospital all over again, receiving sympathy looks from people she passed everyday. She couldn't take it anymore and she turned her back to her mother.

"I can't." Meredith said quietly, hoping that Ellis hadn't heard her.

"Meredith?"

"I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see him, and I can feel his breath down my ear, and his cold hands along my stomach. I feel dirty like I can't get rid of him." she admitted.