11/28 by uliaj06

twenty-one

*this chapter has a little talk abt god and religion and I don't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry in advance if I do offend some ppl, it isn't my intention.*

I HIGHLY recommend playing the song at the top when you see *

Actually, I'm telling you to PLEASE play it or else this chapter won't make any sense at all

Anyways enjoy the chapter :)

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FLASHBACK

August 21, junior year

Tate Woods

It's 12 am.

I'm on my bed, reading a book since I can't fall asleep.

I can't fucking sleep and it's all I want. It really is. I want sleep. I want to sleep and never wake up.

Why can't that just happen? It's simple really. I don't know why I simply can't just never wake up.

I don't believe in god. I've never been the religious type because If he really did exist if he's up there "watching over me" – that creepy fucker. Sorry, I'm case there really is a god. I don't want to go to hell. But I don't believe in him. Just my personal opinion because if he did exist, If he really was watching over me, why isn't he protecting me – like how people say he does – from my father, my family, the abuse my dad puts me through.

How can he just sit there, and watch my dad hit me, punch me, kick me, and not do anything? How can he let a child suffer through the mental abuse a father shouldn't put a child through.

If he is real, why didn't my prayers work? Why can't I die in my sleep? Why can't I get hit by a car and die? Why can't I die? Why can't he just end it for me?

It doesn't make sense really.

Selfish is what he is.

Although... the only reason, I repeat, only reason why I might even remotely believe in him, god, is her.

Her

Her

Her.

I wonder now, realize just now actually, that god – if he exists – maybe, just maybe he didn't just sit there and watch.

Could it be possible that he somehow sent her? Not sent, but brought us together?

If that's even possible.

Is that even possible?

Maybe.

So is god telling me, that Rowan is somehow the answer to my prayers?

See? This is what she does. She screws us everything I know, or I thought I knew. She fucks up everything about how I think. Ro just messes up my head.

But if he really does exist and he is here, why the fuck is he taking her away from me? Why is he taking away the only good thing in my life?

Why?

It doesn't make sense.

Why give me something only to take her back?!

I still fucking need her.

If this was God's master plan for me, it didn't fucking work. Was Ro supposed to fix me or something and be the answer to all my problems? Because I'm pretty sure she just fucks up my life more.

If you are listening, she didn't "fix" me yet so don't take me away from her. Why the fuck did you even bring her into my life if you're just going to take her? Well, separate me from her.

I leave in two days to go to New York.

Two.

Technically one since it's already tomorrow. I leave tomorrow night. Fucks sake. What the hell am I going to do?

I can't ask god for help like some people do because what the hell will he do? What? Magically make my dad change his mind about moving?

No.

It's not possible.

It's not gonna work.

I just gotta accept that this is it.

Acceptance.

So goddamn annoying.

All I have is today and tomorrow. That's it. Then I'm never going to see her again.

Anyways, back to the topic of sleep. I need sleep. Crave it.

Sleeping is like an escape, it is an escape.

For a second, you're in your own world, your own thoughts, you're safe. Even if I don't dream anything or I just see black, it's better than living in this world. I wish everything would go black and I'd never have to live in this world again.

Sleep it's the only place I can rest. My only escape from reality except for Ro. She's my escape. She also randomly shows up in my dreams. I can never escape her, I wouldn't want to escape her anyways.

My room's dark, like always. No light except for the lamp on my desk, shedding enough light for me to be able to read.

It's cold in my room, like the house. Everything is cold in this house. No warmth, no comfort, no affection, no personality. This house doesn't feel like a home. It will never be my home.

My sheets are dark, bedsheet covers are grey, blankets and covers black.

My bed was all black until Ro insisted on changing my sheets to grey to give it some contrast, and so it wouldn't be so dark and "sad".

The only color on my bed is the stuffed animal Ro left.

She left it so my bed would have color.

It's a dumb cow.

But it smells like her.

So I kept it.

I feel my phone repeatedly buzz against the side of my leg.

I put my book aside, putting a sticky note I use as a bookmark to mark the page I left off on, and picked up my phone.

Who the hell would be calling me at this hour?

It's Ro.

Hey, I was just thinking about you.

For fucks sake, not again.

I mentally prepare myself for her usual sobbing voice when she calls me at this hour.

Answering the phone, I stay silent, waiting for her to speak first.

"Can I come over?" Her voice cracks, shaky, she sniffles.

"Yeah, I'm coming ok?" My usual response.

"Thanks." She'd been crying, her voice sounds weak.

I hate these calls. I hate seeing her face when I pick her up. It always breaks me since I hated seeing her cry.

I hung up and got out of my bed, changing into sweats and a hoodie.

My usual routine, I grab my phone and the extra car keys I stole from my dad, open the window, and sneak out. I close the window and walk towards one of my dad's cars in the driveway.

Unlocking it, I start the car and drive. I have my license but not a car yet. I didn't ask for one since we have five cars, so me and Nick would just drive one of them.

I pull up to her house, and I wait for her to get in. We do this a lot, once every other month maybe. Her and her parents, sometimes involving her brother too, she'd end up having a breakdown and calling me. A month before I turned sixteen, I started stealing my dad's car and driving over to her house to pick her up so she can sleep over. She said she just liked the company and me being there.

She'd fall asleep almost as soon as we'd get back to my room, and then I'd drive her over to her house to get changed most of the time for school, and then I'd drive her to school. Her parents usually aren't home since they go to work early so they don't notice, or even care.

I've asked her multiple times what happen, but she says she doesn't want to talk about it almost every single time.

The car door opens and Rowan gets in, slamming the door shut. Her hair is in a messy bun, sniffling from her stuffy nose, her cheeks tear-stained.