Killugon Oneshots

Dear Gon... [Angst]

"Dear Gon,
I've been trying to write this letter for the past three hours, but honestly I still don't know what to write, yet so much to tell you. I've been trying to put my feelings in this piece of paper, but every time I know what to write, I inevitably start crying. You might be asking yourself: 'Why would you start crying?'. I can't answer that question yet, but at the end of the letter you'll understand. Tomorrow, today for you, you won't find me, but you will find this letter. Before trying to find me, please finish reading this letter.

Anyways, I guess I could start writing by saying 'thank you'. What am I thanking you for? For being you. For staying by my side. For always inspiring me to be better. For all the times you saved me. For all your kind words. For our adventures together. For the times you made me laugh. For all the times you were worried for me. For all the smiles you gave me. For complimenting me. For helping me. For drying my tears. For all the times you told me things about the world that I didn't know about. For listening to me. For opening up to me. For sharing what you feel with me. For accepting me, despite me being an ex-assassin. For being my friend. For accepting my flaws. For looking at me with love and not hate. For teaching me what love is. For telling me how important it is to have someone staying by your side. For never judging me. Gon, I'm thanking you for existing.

You are my first friend. You've always been by my side no matter what. Remember when I went back home and you came to save me? In that moment I understood that you were going to be a really important person in my life. You didn't care that you had to get beaten up for me, you still let them beat you just to save me. I will always be grateful for that.

Thanks to you, I learned to love someone. I learned that having friends isn't bad, like my brother Illumi always made me believe. You taught me how to care for someone else that wasn't myself. You were always the person that made me smile the most and I wanted to make you smile too.

Right now you might be wondering why I'm writing this stuff instead of telling you and why I'm writing them out of the blue, with no apparent reason. Well, I realised that I should tell you what I feel when I'm around you before, well... Before I leave... And no, I'm not returning home and I'm not going in a trip by myself.

I'm leaving this world behind... Before you start looking for me, I want to tell you that it's not worth it... It's too late... I made my choice. I'm sorry...

I'm sorry because I'm leaving you behind. I'm sorry because I wasn't able to protect you. I'm sorry because I betrayed you. I'm sorry because I'm being selfish. I'm sorry for not talking to you how I feel. I'm sorry for not opening up to you about my feelings. I'm sorry for all the times you got hurt because of me. I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you. I'm sorry for not being enough. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I'm sorry for not being able to be the person you needed. I'm sorry for not being able to be by your side when you needed me. I'm sorry for all the times I've treated you badly. I'm sorry for all the times I haven't enjoyed the time we spent together. I'm sorry for all the times I've insulted you. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't accept your compliments. I'm sorry because I've never told you the truth. I'm sorry for being suicidal...

You probably understood by now what I'm planning to do. I'm sorry. I need to tell you that it isn't your fault. It's mine. You are the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in all my life. It's not your fault, don't feel guilty. I'm sorry for leaving. I'm so, so sorry. I just... It's only that... It's too much for me... Everything is just too much... I can't keep on living like this...

I can't keep on living, knowing that I've killed innocents. I can't keep on living with all of this guilt. I can't keep on living after all the bad things I've done. I can't keep on living with the thought of betraying you. I can't keep on living with the nightmares hunting me every night. I can't keep on living knowing they I've hurt you. I can't keep on living, knowing that if only I'd been stronger, people wouldn't have been hurt. I can't keep on living with the thought of being afraid of the monster I've become. I can't keep on living with the constant feeling of not being enough.