Balance And Control

I Am But A Tree

Numb. 

That’s the only way I can describe how I was feeling, crumpled at the bottom of those stairs. Fires sizzled out around me, the putrid stench of burned flesh making me nauseous. But I could not move. It was as if someone had dropped a boulder on my heart, my chest tight and heavy with grief. 

“Druig,” I cried, barely a whisper. 

“A wise poet once said, ‘Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop.’ You must let him go and bloom anew, Ereida. You are stronger than you feel,” Ajak said soothingly. I hadn’t even heard her approach, my head pounding with the screams of the dead and my own. “He has made his choice, and now you must make yours. You are free to go.”

I jolted back to myself at her words. “What?”

“You can go, live your life.”

“We spent centuries doing everything you tell us to, everything you say Arishem desires. I’ve nearly died dozens of times over the years. We’re a family who lives and fights together, and now all of a sudden we’re all just supposed to walk away? Go our separate ways? How the hell does that make sense to you, Ajak?! Is it that easy for you to abandon us all?!” 

She worried her bottom lip, her dark eyes sad, her brow furrowed. She looked…guilty. “It is for the best.”

I scoffed, pulling myself shakily to my feet, ignoring the blurring of my surroundings it caused, the sharp stabbing pain in my temple. “This is all your fault! Druig left because of you! And instead of trying to put us back together, to reason with him, to apologize, you would rather give up everything we have built over the past millenium?! That’s so pathetic!” 

“Ereida, the Deviants are gone! Your services are no longer required. I—”

I cackled humorlessly. “My services?!? You can’t be serious! Is that all we are to you, a means to an end? Pawns in your game with Arishem? Oh, how wonderful! I am so glad I could be of assistance, Great Prime Eternal!” I mockingly curtsied, narrowing my eyes in contempt as I faced her again. “I was such a fucking fool, wasn’t I? Well, it is good to know we mean so little to each other. Druig was right! But that does not matter any longer does it? Because now we all go our separate ways and pretend we never existed, right? How wonderful indeed!” 

“Ereida, I did not mean…” she pleaded, tears welling in her eyes. 

My heart gave a tug, but I ignored it. She did not deserve my pity or my empathy. “It doesn’t matter what you meant,” I spat. “What matters is what you did. It cannot be undone and we must all now suffer the consequences. Goodbye, Ajak.” 

I made my way back up the stairs, ignoring the voice in my head telling me to turn around, to try and salvage the relationship I had just destroyed. I could not bring myself to do it. Her’s was a different kind of betrayal, one I could not easily forgive. 

The first person to notice my return was Sersi. She rushed towards me, wrapping her arms tightly around me. “I am so sorry.”

I could not bring myself to return it. I just allowed her to hold my rigid body until she chose to let go. “I suppose you’ll all be following Druig’s example, or maybe it’s Ajak’s order,” I said bitterly. 

“I don’t see how we have much choice,” Ikaris said. 

“That’s a lie. We could stay together, but if you would rather take the easy way out and abandon us all, who am I to stop you.” I turned my accusatory stare onto Sersi. “And I suppose you’ll go with him.”

“Eri,” she said softly. “This is our chance to live as normal people.”

“But you see, Sersi, we aren’t normal people. This fantasy will only last so long. We live on, they don’t. I see all of it ending in sadness and loneliness. We don’t get a happy ending.”

“Why must you always be so morbid?” Sprite scoffed. 

“It is not morbidity, it is harsh truth, Sprite. What do you think life will be like when people see you don’t age past twelve, hm? You will be alone once more; an outcast.”

“She won’t be alone,” Kingo interrupted, placing a hand on Sprite’s shoulder. “You’re hurting right now, Ereida. You don’t mean the things you say.”

“And what will you do, Kingo? Pretend she is your daughter? Your sister? Your wife? You will be subjected to the same isolation.”

“She has a point,” Gil chimed in. “We cannot pretend to live normal lives.”

“Thank you. At least someone is being rational.”

“That being said, I do think it best that we leave,” Thena added. “It just isn’t safe for me to be around the rest of you anymore.” 

“And go where? You cannot be left alone, Thena.”

“I’ll go with her. Somewhere isolated where she can heal,” Gil said, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

“Phastos,” I said, rounding on my last hope for reason. “Tell them this is a bad idea, tell them we should all stick together.” 

He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “Eri, I think Ajak is right. We all deserve to live a life, start a family, experience the world.” 

“What about this family? You all would just give up on us, after the centuries we’ve shared?” 

No one said a word, they all just looked away not wanting to meet my eyes. Not wanting to admit that they were abandoning me, just like Druig. That realization that nobody was willing to fight to stay together changed something in me. I felt my heart harden, all the pain and sadness shattering like glass, replaced with something stronger. Resentment and resilience. I was on my own now. 

“Fine. You all go off and live a lie for centuries, but do not come crawling back to me when you realize your mistakes. I’m done with you. Good riddance.” 

As I turned to leave, someone grabbed my wrist. 

Makkari’s warm brown eyes were pleading, begging me not to just walk away. 

I pulled my wrist from her grasp. “It’s over,” I signed. 

Some of my humanity returned as a tear slipped from her eye. I reached out and wiped it away, my face remaining emotionless. I hugged her, placing a kiss to her cheek. Pulling away from her was agony; I was leaving behind my best friend, my sister. But I had no choice. They had all chosen a path that didn’t include me, and I would not pretend to be okay with it. 

With one last glance at the only family I had ever known, the only friends I had ever had, the only people I had ever loved, I melted into the shadows, not caring where I ended up. 

I am but a tree and I have let the dead leaves drop. I will bloom again on my own. I will nurture and thrive. I will come back stronger. Soon, those leaves will be but a forgotten memory. They will also fertilize the new me, my new life. I am but a tree. My bark is thick  and can take a hit. I will not be chopped down by the axes of their betrayal. I will not wilt and weep, I will not wither and die. I am but a tree. I stand strong in solidarity. I will survive. 

They are the past; I am the future.