Motivated to be lazy

SS Puzzles

Yesterday, something changed. I don't know at what moment this started but I've noticed something different with me lately.

I think it had something to do with the fact that I woke up on the couch in our office, too dazed to realize what was going on. I'm still confused as to why but I realize that there was something different. Something strange.

Ayanokouji Kiyotaka is different from any person I've met in my life. When we first met, he jokingly asked what I would think if I found out that he only gave me my position because of my body. These questions would normally make me uncomfortable. I'm keenly aware that puberty has made changes to me that makes me attractive to men. As a young woman, I can't see why and I don't see the attractiveness myself but I understand the criteria.

But when Ayanokouji Kiyotaka pointed this criteria out, I didn't get offended or upset. It wasn't for any other reason other than his eyes. They weren't lustful or hungry. In fact, they were bored. Just like every other feature about him. He always looks bored.

The only time he doesn't look bored is when he's with Sakayanagi-san. His eyes and features come alive every time he sees her. The doting big brother, whenever I see him look at her, I see a man who would move mountains for her. It doesn't even look like a sibling relationship. It may be because Sakayanagi-san is disabled, but he almost looks like a concerned parent.

Maybe I feel different now for that reason. Maybe it looked as though he was being a father figure to me by looking out for me. Simple things, like noticing that my chair was uncomfortable or if I was hungry or tired. By allowing me to make choices knowing that it would be a mistake but mitigating the consequences so I'm not too affected. I don't think that is the case though, my father abandoned my family when I was young. I don't even know what a good father figure is supposed to be like.

Still, I'm touched that he is so attentive. He seems very aloof but he's perceptive. I don't know the circumstances that he was adopted, but I have noticed things. He's very protective of the people he's close to, borderline on possessive. It's almost as if he's afraid. Afraid that if he doesn't grasp those connections as tightly within his grasp that they may slip away.

It's a constant push and pull with him and I enjoy the playfulness of it. He says he doesn't want expectations but doesn't want people to think badly of him. He gets afronted at the idea of having to have responsibilities yet takes it on himself. His nature of being so against having to do things is endearing, because when he makes an effort it makes those moments far more precious.

That's why things are difficult at the moment for me because I can't understand why this is happening to me. Lately, I've found it difficult to look him in the eyes. I've felt anxiety when I'm away from him. I get annoyed when I see him talk to other girls. I'm not that kind of person to get annoyed so I can't understand where this feeling is coming from.

I didn't want to help with Sudo-kun's case anymore. Seeing him continue to be oblivious to the effort being expended to help him with his case bothered me. I would see him laughing with his friends and at one point yelling at someone for bumping into him by accident. I felt sorry for Matsuo-kun who seemed to be trying so hard to find someone to speak up for him and so I joined him at every opportunity trying to do the same.

I wanted to stop helping him because I knew that it would be a meaningless effort. Even if I was to be able to help him he would still be the same. It hurt me that I was jeopardizing myself and the risk wasn't noticed or appreciated. If it was, he would be kinder to people and show some humility.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I want to be a good person. If there was someone who needed help, I wanted to be the kind of person who desired to assist them. So I kept these thoughts inside of me and continued to push forward.