Motivated to be lazy

SS Who knows

Can you tell me how someone can be incredibly happy and a little sad at the same time? I can't keep the smile off my face right now as I watch my boyfriend carrying his sister to Class D's camp at the river.

My boyfriend..

It's so hard to believe, even a little difficult to say. Thank God this is an inner monologue and it's dark at the moment. If my face heats up anymore I'm sure to pass out. I was never one who was desperate to fall in love or to be in a relationship and in such a short amount of time he wormed his way into my heart.

I can't believe he feels the same way...

Everything about my confession and how we got together was thoroughly underwhelming. We're in a dark and damp forest in the middle of an exam on a deserted island while competing against each other. It was perfect, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm sad though, because we have to part yet again. I also feel cowardly as I always lose to him, I'm always the one who gives in. The entire time he knew how I felt and he just waited while I was tearing my hair out thinking that he didn't feel the same way about me. I wasted so much time, all of this could have been avoided. Yet again I was stubborn.

It's horrible because he foiled every one of my plans. One night I got him food and made an offhand joke that it was a girlfriend's duty. He just laughed at me and commented that he bought our dinner most nights and that it would be a boyfriend's duty by my logic. We bantered back and forth and I realized now what he was doing. This was a war and I lost hopelessly.

I feel like a winner though.

Even though I'm dejected, I'm okay with this because I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who has to be by her boyfriend's side at every moment of every day. I've heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe while we're sleeping in separate camps he'll be thinking of me? I know I'll be thinking of him. About my first kiss...

It was everything I could have hoped for but I wished I had the power of one of those super people he reads about. If only I could stop time for a few more seconds to make it last longer. I was surprised and before I knew what was happening it was over. My body seemed to know instinctively what to do though because as surprised as I was I kissed him back.

I'm lying to myself though, it was all just doubts but I knew he felt the same way. I was telling myself he didn't out of fear because if I never put myself out there, then I would never have to risk being rejected. In the end I'm thankful that everything happened exactly how it did. The push and pull was fun even if I gave in like a fool.

I've noticed a lot about him. Things that I'm positive that no one else has, I study him closely whenever I'm around him. There have been changes in him compared to when I first met him both physically and in his personality.

For one thing he's... bigger. Not in height but broader in his shoulders and everywhere else. I couldn't help but stare at him earlier with his shirt off not because of anything perverse but because I was surprised. I don't do a lot of physical training but I could tell that he is noticeably bigger.

He's grown his hair longer and his hands are rough but they're also huge. The size of his hands dwarf my own and I feel like a toddler or a small child when I hold it. I can only think he trains harder, he definitely eats a lot more. He has a strange relationship with Koenji-kun so maybe they're pushing each other.

His personality has changed as well and I've noticed small idiosyncrasies. He still has the bored look on his face most of the time but I noticed a difference when he was trying to fish. It was as though he already anticipates things and knows he'll come out on top. If my suspicions about him are correct then the boredom was justified.