Motivated to be lazy

Chapter 38

While it seems like a lifetime ago, there was a time when I didn't care about reaching Class A. These class battles, these people. I just wanted to enjoy a school life where I was normal and where I could be carefree. Where I didn't have to play games with people, where I didn't have to be cruel and lie.

Politics is an ugly arena, trust only gains value when there's a chance for betrayal. This school is a cesspool of betrayal. There are times when I look around this place and wish I was anywhere but here. I don't enjoy the competition or the cutthroat nature of things but I understand that it is a necessary part of life.

That's the big difference between Ryuen and I. We have similarities but it's the differences that make us fundamentally different people.

Looking around at the faces of my Classmates though, I can't help but feel a little bit of excitement. Not for myself, if we reach Class C with this result or not is irrelevant to me. I could care less if we remain as Class D for the next three years. They do though, Eiichiro does. Horikita wants to get to Class A more than anything. It's for that reason, I'm hopeful that the results are fortuitous.

I feel like a walking paradox. My life has never been in my own hands, all of my decisions have always been made for me. Even now as we sit and wait for the results of the Zodiac Special Test, this result wasn't by my own decisions. I was forced into acting, make no mistake. As much as Arisu is a meddlesome pain, she's my family. Even if she were the one to put herself in danger, I couldn't let anything happen to her and so I acted.

I likened Class D to a baby elephant who had been chained at birth to a tree stump. How they no longer had the fight or desire to pull at the stump to fight for their freedom. In a lot of ways, I am the same. While I continue to fight for my own sanctuary of normalcy, it seems like the ever growing pile of scrutiny continues to climb steadily.

There's an upside to this situation. If we're back in the fold and Class D doesn't give up, perhaps I can return to the middle of the pack. Perhaps they won't be so desperate to look for a savior, believe in themselves and each other and I can once again fade into being a background character.

The procedure is delicate, there's very little margin for error but if there's one thing that I have to have it's belief in myself. I need to trust in my abilities and my knowledge. Acknowledge the fact that there are ways, both dirty and honest, that I can finesse my way out of this situation.

At least until Arisu decides she's had enough of leaving me to my own devices once again.

Sometimes I like to just think to myself. Just compartmentalize different things, analyze my actions and thoughts to see what I can self diagnose. It's because there are times where I wonder to myself if I'm even my own person.

When I look at my personality and my actions, I've come to realize that I'm an amalgamation of the people that I've been closest to. There is nothing entirely unique about me, I've taken pieces of the people around me and made it a part of the persona that is Ayanokouji Kiyotaka.

There's the ruthless part of Arisu, where nothing matters but the goal. There's the protective side of my father, where family means everything. The carefree side of Tsubasa, where living in the moment is important. The loyal side to Eiichiro, where the happiness of those he loves brings him joy.

It's part of the reason that I'm so whimsical, these traits don't always mesh together well. Like fitting a square peg in a round hole, it only works when the peg is smaller.

So what am I? Who am I? What makes me Ayanokouji Kiyotaka when every aspect of my personality is borrowed from someone else?

These thoughts have been plaguing me since this exam started, I've begun to wonder whether or not this is all just a farce. Whether this is the mask and that lifeless husk is what I truly am. Whether I'm doing as Eiichiro is doing right now, faking it until I make it. Hoping that I can become a good person and not whatever the White Room has turned me into.