Motivated to be lazy

Chapter 26

I've still barely spoken to anyone, everything has gone up in smoke around us and the rest of the class are miserable. With Koenji retiring, Eiichiro was forced to pick up the mantle and try whatever he could to the best of his ability with the information he had. It wasn't easy and I could have helped but I haven't been able to do much of anything since the talk with Chabashira-sensei.

It's not because of sadness or guilt anymore, it took a while but I came to terms with that. Anyone can get sick for whatever reason, it wasn't Horikita's fault and Arisu isn't exactly the picture of health. It could have just as easily happened to anyone in school or in any other part of life, it was pure happenstance that it occurred here.

The reason why I haven't been able to speak to anyone is because I'm trying to process how all of this came to happen. How have I become so weak? When did I start to miss things and miscalculate? Is what Chabashira-sensei's been saying all of this time true? Have I really wasted my potential?

In regards to wasting my potential I would have to disagree. What was there for me to learn in this school? The only thing that I have is the potential for a new experience, to foster the growth in the people around me. I don't believe I myself have very much growing to do in an academic or physical sense, the only way I have left to grow is in maturity and experience. Those things can't be achieved by coddling people.

Still, I would have to say that I have grown weak. I've begun to miss details and miscalculate, or rather I have seen them and just not considered to what extent the consequences of those miscalculations are.

Arisu's sickness only blew the door open to other things that I didn't consider, it was incredibly reckless and selfish of me to force her along. Any number of things could have happened that I didn't account for. What if the hammock broke and I dropped her? I wasn't at a risk of injury for carrying her about, my body is well trained and I'm confident that I wouldn't have been injured. But what if I tripped? I don't particularly care for my own or other people's well being too much but Arisu's health and safety is my top priority.

I've also given up a lot of my strengths in the interest of friendships and connection. There's power in operating from the shadows, you're able to do so much more. It allows you to pull the wool over people's eyes. While they're too busy focusing on identifying you, they miss the finer details and contingencies that they would normally be looking for.

Being objective, I'm confident that since my secret hadn't come out already it was very possible that I could have kept it indefinitely as long as I didn't draw attention to myself. There's strength and power in people not knowing who you are and what you are capable of. Instead, I drew attention to myself by coding BUDDY. I drew even more critique when I joined the student council. It's almost as though I'm begging for people to discover me by my actions, it's impossible to remain inconspicuous when you're constantly in the spotlight.

I did all of this in the interest of my friendship with Eiichiro, mostly to keep his dreams alive. I didn't have to do it this way but I chose to, why? I knew what it would do and I disregarded the consequences.

This mental battle has caused me to retreat into my own thoughts. I have a cursory understanding about what's going on around me but I haven't been paying attention. Even the time I spend with Honami has been met with almost agonizing silence. She hasn't commented on it or complained, she simply stays with me and talks. She continued to ask me questions and when I hadn't answered, she continued as though I did. It's as though she's trying to give me the chance to go back to normalcy but allows me to process what I'm thinking and feeling.

Maybe it was arrogance. I've always known that I'm far above my peers in almost every capacity, possibly even my teachers. It's led me to make stupid and lazy errors in planning and executing strategies. I'm lazy in my behavior, I've never been lazy or impatient when it comes to my execution. I even tried to get Arisu on side with a food trap of all things, what the hell is going on with me?