Motivated to be lazy

SS Why didn't I choose you?

I really hoped from the bottom of my heart that this would be a fresh start for me. The moment that I found out about Advanced Nurturing High School and the fact that I could leave my past behind me, that I could run away from the bullies and the pain that I endured and start a new life...

It was all just a pipedream. I'll forever be weak, forever be a loser. My fate has always been determined, I will always be bullied no matter where I go.

It's as though my body tells a story of everything I've been forced to endure. As I stood naked in front of my mirror and inspected the tender bruises that were finally at the tail end of healing, it was as though every mark and scar tells another story of yet another time when I was the victim.

The pockmarks on the soles of my feet from when they put thumbtacks in my shoes and forced me to walk. The faint marring on my hands from when I was dragged through the gravel by my hair, the ugly scar on my abdomen from when I was stabbed and almost died. It's a constant reminder of my shameful existence.

That's how worthless I am. This scar is a reminder that I couldn't even die properly.

It hurts because almost every action that I've taken thus far has been to ensure my safety, to ensure my survival. Even still, once again, I've failed.

My popularity has nothing to do with the fact that people like me. Being targeted back then helped me in a way, I constantly analyzed ways that I could make it stop. How I could avoid being tortured yet again? In all of my years of being tormented, it was the one thing that I was able to do, I studied my oppressors and how they functioned.

I did all of this in the hopes to make it stop but as time went on I realized that it wouldn't happen, I had already been labeled. Once I'd been branded as worthless, there was no way for me to get out from under that title. Instead, I just watched and I learned. I hoped that once I came here that I would finally be free. I'd make sure that I wouldn't be a victim again, no matter the cost.

As I continued to look at the now fading bruises I could feel the tears start to fall again. What was it all for? I studied them for nothing, I did everything I thought I was supposed to, and after barely more than a few months in my new school I was bullied yet again. I can already feel my stature in the school slipping, being beaten like that has affected my psyche. Satou and Shinohara can already see that something's been affecting me even though I try to smile through the turmoil I'm going through.

Manabe's been taunting me at every turn, smirking viciously whenever I pass her. I hate her so much, I just want her to leave me alone.

I didn't even do anything wrong, did I? I may have pushed Morofuji but I was just acting the part, doing what I had to do. Did that deserve what I got? Is there something to the way that I am that just shines like a beacon for bullies to see me for the weak, pathetic girl that I am?

Is that why the only male in this school that I can genuinely call my friend abandoned me when I needed him the most?

I don't know why but it hurts me so much more that Ayanokouji-kun left me when I was at my most vulnerable than when Hirata-kun didn't have my back. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I expected Hirata-kun not to do anything. This deal between us was just a deterrent. We're not even really that close as friends, we're just seen as a couple but we're no closer than when I first met him.

We spend time together, we talk. There's just this wall between us. If I hadn't approached him and asked for him to pretend to be my boyfriend, I doubt we would have become genuine friends. We're so different as people, I don't even know why he agreed to help me with this now that I think about it.