Fighting For Love

Chapter | 13

When I woke up on Wednesday morning everything hurt. My whole body felt weak, like all the strength and energy had been sucked out of me. I opened my eyes slowly and was met with blinding sunlight streaming through my window. I blinked, waiting for my eyes to adjust. As soon as they did I took in my surroundings as I tried to recall what had happened last night. I remembered Nicole coming into my room and us talking and then—

"You're up."

I almost fell out of bed when I heard the voice, but someone caught me before I could. I looked over to find Matthew seated next to me on the bed, his arm wrapped firmly around my shoulders, keeping me from tumbling off the bed onto the cold, hard, ground. At first I was confused.

Why did I feel like I had been run over by a truck? And what was Matthew doing in my room?

I was about to ask him what had happened, but one look at his face told me everything I needed to know. It was a look of worry, confusion, sadness, stress, and so much more, but I knew what it meant.

"I had a panic attack didn't I?" I asked, trying to piece together last nights events in my foggy brain.

I knew that look all too well. It was a look that was only reserved for whenever me or Cole had a panic attack. He closed his eyes for a few seconds before slowly opening them and nodding. I sighed. I hated panic attacks not only because of how hard they were on me, but because of how hard they were on my family. I knew that whenever I had a panic attack it didn't just effect me, it effected everyone who was involved.

"It was a bad one." He said while shaking his head, his eyes glazing over as he seemed to be remembering the events of last night. "We-we couldn't get you to stop hyperventilating and you looked like you were going to pass out and—" He stoped, taking a second to recompose himself and steady his shaky voice before he finally brought his head up and met my gaze. "I was so scared." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

My heart broke at the look on his face. He wasn't normally an emotional person, but right now he looked like he was seconds away from breaking down.

Look there you go again hurting your brother. The brother who loves you more than anything. He has given up everything for you and this is how you repay him?

Weak.

Selfish.

Burden.

Weak.

Selfish.

Burden.

Wea—

I took a deep breath trying to pull myself out of my own head as those words kept playing on repeat in my mind. I looked back over at my brother, but instantly wished I hadn't as a few stray tears ran down his face. He tried to blink them away but failed.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly, his head snapping over to me instantly as he met my gaze. "Not just for the panic attack but for everything."

His eyes softened and when he spoke his voice was calm and quiet. "Nolan you don't need to apologize. I know you hate how much we all worry about you, but it's just because we love you, and none of us are mad at you for what happened. None of this is your fault okay?" He asked.

I knew it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help feeling bad. All the stress and pain they had all went through these past few days was technically my fault. I mean if I wasn't there none of it would have happened right?

But I couldn't tell him that, so instead I just nodded and said, "Okay."

He smiled and gave my shoulder a small squeeze. "Now do you want to talk about what your panic attack was about? We don't have to if you don't want to, but you know sharing things can sometimes help." He said gently.