Lupin the Third: The Del Monte Ruby

Chapter 13

A few hours later, the door to Lupin's room slowly creaked open. A pair of socked feet crept softly down the hall. In the living room, the television was on, but it was difficult to tell if either of the men in the room were truly watching.

The two men almost didn't seem to know what to do with themselves when they weren't in the middle of a heist. At least it might seem that way from an outsider's perspective. But Goemon's meditation was important to him. Inactivity didn't bother him in the slightest. As for the gunslinger, the coffee table was littered with all things Jigen; an ash tray full of cigarette butts, a deck of cards sprawled out into an unfinished game of solitaire, and a kit for performing maintenance on his gun.

Jigen, as per usual, was slumped on the couch with a cigarette in his mouth and his hat low over his face. Similarly, a creature of habit, Goemon was perched in front of the bay windows, meditating. Ruby crept low behind the couch, then slowly peeked over the back.

"Jigen," she whispered.

Jigen didn't move. Not even to lift his hat or look her way. "Lupin's gone out at the moment, kid. I'm sure he'll be back in a while."

"Um, no," she said, frowning. "I was looking for you." Ruby cast a glance over her shoulder at the meditating samurai. "And Goemon, too."

Slowly, Jigen sat up. "Me?" he said, curiosity getting the better of him. "You wanted to talk to me?"

The samurai opened his eyes. Even if he didn't turn his head, Goemon's gaze shifted towards Ruby. Jigen briefly caught Goemon's eye and shrugged as he draped an arm over the back of the couch.

"Alright. Well, ya got us. What's up?"

"U-Um, okay. So, two things. The first is maybe a semi-minor dilemma, and the other is a completely separate request."

When she saw that she had their undivided attention, Ruby took a breath.

"Okay. First, there was a really big spider in Lupin's room and I, um, smashed it with the first thing I found, which was a dirty magazine I found under his bed, and I, um, got guts all over the centerfold girl's boobs, and I'm afraid he's gonna be really mad at me, and I need help disposing of the evidence. Also, I'm, like, really freaking out that there could've been more – spiders, that is – and I need someone to check my hair and make sure there's nothing crawling in there."

For a moment, no one said anything. Goemon's silent gaze moved to Jigen, who in turn just stared at Ruby from under the brim of his hat. Jigen lit the cigarette that was clenched between his lips. He took a long, uncaring drag, turning his head aside to exhale before his gaze returned to her.

"I can't tell whether you're being serious with me right now."

"I AM!" Ruby protested. "Look!"

From behind the couch, she brought up the magazine she was holding and opened it to the centerfold. Sure enough, a large squashed spider was twitching betwixt the woman's breasts.

"Please help me get rid of it before Lupin comes back! And p-please check my hair! I swear I feel something crawling around up there!"

For a moment, Jigen just stared at it. Then, he let out a boisterous guffaw. "Hahaha! Nice shot, kid. Perfect aim." Jigen took the magazine. "Alright, hang on. I'll take care of it. Goemon! Get rid of this, huh?"

Goemon's head turned as Jigen tossed the magazine at him. In a moment that almost felt like slow motion, the samurai saw an image of a topless woman fluttering straight at him. With a burning flush on his face, he freed Zantetsuken from his scabbard. The blade flew with lightning speed and the magazine was reduced to confetti.