Flor

Defense Mechanism

The sun trickles in through the window and I internally cuss. I don't wanna wake up. I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep. I open my eyes and sit up, rubbing them. I look down and see Alex next to me asleep still.

He's laying on his stomach with his arm propped up under the pillow. His bicep and back shoulders are super defined. I scrunch my nose at the thought that passed through my head. He's fine as fuck. I asked him to sleep with me and to play with my hair last night. Yeah I'll admit it. He's hot and I like his touch. It's hard for me to admit attraction to people even to myself. It makes me feel gross for some reason. Too vulnerable. My therapist said it's because I'm afraid of intimacy and that I don't want them to hurt me so I'd rather act like I like no one.

But I admitted it last night, Alex is hot. I'm not thinking about anything else with him though, just that he's attractive. Even though there's a slight inkling in the back of my head thinking about how people don't act like this with their friends. What is this going to become?

I cut that thought in my head off. Nothing. Bitter memories flood into my head. That's just the truth. I've never been in a real relationship. The last time I tried was when last year and now I'm paying the price for it.

My mood is dampened just like it always. I hate being so negative sometimes. It's not like there's a point in anything anyway. He acts affectionate with me but that means nothing. He's probably just using me for my presence, not because he genuinely enjoys me. He doesn't even know me.

I get that same gross feeling about myself like before and get out of the bed. Don't be affectionate with him anymore. Stop. You're just gonna get more used up. My brain feeds me the same pessimistic thoughts, they pick my soul apart.

I cringe at the thought. I always feel used up. I head to my room and check my phone. Christian tells me he'll be here in time for the quince. Maybe I should be glad that I'll be able to go home after this.

I get out of his oversized shirt I'm wearing and turn on the shower. I let the cold water sting my skin as it runs down it. I'm fine. I hate these days where I think about it. Skyler was my bestfriend. I did love him he was the family I felt like I never had. I can't explain it.

It was never romantic when I first met him, just pure and genuine. Christian had been in jail and I was alone. I met Skyler and his whole friend group. I instantly felt at home. Never in my life with any friends had I ever felt at home. I felt comforted by them. I felt small.

I felt like I didn't have to be strong and hold myself up. I didn't know they were such terrible people. A year passed of me and Skyler's friendship. He called me his little sister. He grew up without parents. In foster care. He would sit up at night telling me the pain he felt never understanding a mother's love. He told me he didn't know what it was about me but that he felt close to me instantly. We did everything together.

He would love me and treat me like family. That's all I wanted. Which is why when he started his sexual advances I stayed. I feel gross now even thinking he ever called me his little sister. But when I realized he was hitting on me. I confused my attachment. I let it happen. Because he made me feel loved. I was also 14 when I met him. And he was about to be 17. I was young. I didn't know better. I entered the most toxic year of my life. He claimed he loved me as more than friends.

I thought I had feelings for him. But maybe I just didn't want to feel alone again. Everything happened so fast. I was a virgin. He asked and I was willing. I didn't think it would affect me. I thought I wanted it. And I said yes. He didn't do anything wrong. But he treated me terribly. I felt drained. I still remember how I felt when I found out he was fucking my old friend.

Felt like I was stripped of my own body. My sexual worth plummeted. I felt like no one would ever love me. I don't know why. Trust me I think it's fucking stupid that I got so depressed after. Why did I feel so dirty. Why did I feel unloved and invaluable. I felt used up.

And hearing guys talk about women who weren't virgins only tore me up even more. I was young. I was a kid thinking about how I was gross and dirty and everyone else would never love me because I got involved with sexual relationships too young and with the wrong person. Fuck that. It doesn't matter to me as much anymore. But the weight of the truama still weighs heavy on me. At least I don't feel that same anxiety anymore.

Because the truth is these dudes will fuck a chicken. So it doesn't matter what they say about women's body. They'd never get a chance. I would fall into depressive episodes over the mere mention of sex. Because I felt so exposed so open and gross. I still can't explain it.

Skyler grew toxic and violent after. That's what was even worse. I was afraid of the person I had once loved. He drained it all out of me. I lost everyone else in the friend group shortly after. They all exposed themselves to be as rapists and abusers anyway. I remember their victims coming forward. But I knew those girls were strong and they didn't deserve it and they'd all rot in hell anyway.

Those were once who I considered family but I would never love a rapist or abuser. There was 6 of them total. 6 friends. Who all either were the rapist and abuser of would defend them. The water runs down my head. I slouch it back onto the shower wall.

The one friend I loved so much. She was the sweetest. She had stopped talking to me. Messages left on delivered. For hours, then days, then weeks. She tried keeping in touch and apologizing but I was too bitter. I had lost everyone. She became bestfriends with the girl who Skyler had cheated with. It felt like the Universe was laughing at me. The only person I had left was Aracely. My childhood bestfriend. The one that felt like my other half. I broke to her every night for the longest time. My depression too much for me to bear. But she stopped talking to me a few months ago. Her only excuse was that she didn't know why she stopped talking to me but she did. It'll never be the same. We haven't
spoken since.

That was a few months ago. Christian had been in jail through all of this. So I was alone. Truly alone. I spent my days locked in my room. I don't know if you know what isolation does to people but it's used as a punishment and I did it voluntarily. It tore me up inside. For over a year I lost everyone and had nobody come in and save me.

Because life is just like that. Sometimes bad things happen over and over and they don't get better. Because they're all still friends to this day. Skyler even has a new girlfriend. My old friend not only became friends with the girl he fucked but with Skyler himself and the whole entire friend group. You'd think this is an exaggerated tale but it's true. I still feel alone and probably always will.

I do feel like I'm a bad person because if I wasn't why did bad things happen to me. Why did they all keep living and I haven't gotten over a damn thing? It's about to be a year and a half and before I know it it will be two. I don't know when this will end. But I know my brain is sick. Mentally I am ill. I've gone to therapy I'm trying. I've been diagnosed. I'm depressive and I have anxiety. Even mild PTSD. From the toxic encounters with the man himself Skyler. I remember finding out Skyler hit women. 5 months had passed and I felt like I was the bad person. That I was to blame. I remember seeing the video of him hitting that girl. People were sharing it on social media. That whole friend group was full of abusers.

I remember when I was scared of him. Walking on eggshells. I had a feeling but never knew forsure until then. I was glad I had gotten out of that situation those people were rotten to the core. But the fact they kept smiling and living being happy and

I had to pick my pieces up tore my soul and my belief in the universe. I was bitter. I knew I was. I would turn so mad and would isolate myself whenever I'd realize that I haven't really been living my life just surviving.

And there was moments where I didn't even want to survive it anymore. This ate me up. I even told Gabriel about it. I was screaming and throwing shit once. Which is why I had to start therapy. I have anger issues. From repressed emotions. I never stood up for myself then just thought I was the problem. Now Gabriel leaves and talks about my biggest trigger. My sexual life. I have to go to this quince and if he's there I'm going to kill that bitch.