Flor

Attachment over love

I can feel Alex's strong body under me. "I don't feel anything for him anymore." I mumble. "It was never a real romantic love anyway, I've never felt real love before." That much was true. I never felt like I was in love with him. I loved him so much as a person. As my friend. A love I can't explain. I loved him to the depths of my core.

But I never was in love with him. I didn't see him and picture my future with him. Marriage. Children. Not even kissing him. That's probably why I was never into affection with him. I can't explain why I even got with him. I was so attached to him I decided I could see if I fell for him over time. But it never happened. I did develop a crush on him at the very least. But nothing more. I will never be able to explain it. But I loved every ounce of him. I cared for him deeply. But not in the way you would love someone you were in love with.

Alex's hand rubs my back. "I wouldn't blame you if you did." he said. His voice was soft. More vulnerable. It sent a feeling down my skin. Intimacy scared me. I never thought I'd be open again. Yet here I am. With him. His room feels comforting. His bed sheets feeling poofy and big around me. He wouldn't blame me. That soothes a painful ache in my heart.

I could never put my finger on why I couldn't let the past go. Why even after he acted like a fucking bitch to me. I couldn't seem to stay mad. I blamed myself. I inhale and exhale. It's shaky. But that's because I'm scared. I'm scared of laying here with Alex. I'm scared that he felt all of me. That's he's seeing more and more of me. I want it. But it's terrifying. It's setting a fire inside me that will burn everything to the ground if this goes wrong.

I push myself off of him my hands still on his chest. And I look at his beatiful fucking face. "Do you think I feel something for him?" I ask. He stares at me and answers. "No. I don't think you ever truly in love with him either. I definitely know you loved him though. I remember Flor." He hesitates.

"I saw the way you acted. I may not have known much but I knew you just by looking at you. You've tried so hard to close everyone off but I can read you like a book Flor." Jesus. Chills go through my veins.

My inner self is being validated. I want someone to see me. To care. Naturally. I crave it in a way like something is missing from me. Someone. I have Christian. The boys. I know they love me. But I need love in a different way.

"You're right." Because he is. The reason I always felt drawn to Alex, the reason so much has happened so soon. It's all because for years we've been connected. I always realized it. He was silent but around always. Observing. Like there was invisible cords connecting me and him. It's the same thing that makes that inkling in my soul spike.

"I feel like you've always known me." I whisper. My face is a couple inches away from his face. The gaze between us is like a melting hot glaze. I feel a sensation in my chest. A warm feeling when we're being open with eachother. Like an excitement. Like a you would feel, if you were barely being able to contain their bursting emotions after being reunited with a long lost friend. His hand comes up to my face and he tilts my chin with hits thumb. He gives me a fluttery kiss. I can feel his breathing on my lips as we pull away snd linger closely together for a second.

His words grumble out of his mouth. "Does your bruise feel better?" His eyebrow slightly rising. My eyes flutter bringing me out of the intense moment I was just in and I half snort. "Mmm, Yes." I say. The mood changes as I lay back down next to him on my back. I stare at the cieling and fiddle with my fingers. "I get to go home tomorrow." His eyes flick over to me. I can see his expression slightly change out of the corner of my eye. "Right." he says. How would I even talk to Alex over text.

I know he likes me but does he even like me that much or would that be too much. Yes. I'll see him. But like on my own time? Or just when I come with Christian? Jesus my brain grumbles. I overthink personal relatkons too much. It's exactly why I end up ghosting everybody accidentally. When I start to like someone I overthink everything about them. There's something slightly comforting about this anxiety. I'm feeling again. The events of the day start to settle in. Longest twenty four hours of my life. My eyes start to flutter. I'm sleepy. Alex notices and flicks off the light. "Goodnight Flor. I'll be right here okay?" his voice grumbles. Even when he says nice things his demeanor seems like he's a big scary criminal. Which he is. But I like that. "Mhm." I say. My voice a soft whisper. I let my thoughts drift me off into sleep.

ALEX.
I wake up and it's still dark. I had fallen asleep to her floral scent and sweet presence. The clock says 4;53 am. And she's not next to me anymore. I sit up instantly and walk out of the room. The kitchen light above the sink is turned on. A soft glow emerging from the otherwise dark room. She's standing with my hoodie draped over her body. Her long thick hair wisped over softly like she was running her hands through it. She's holding a glass of water in her hand and is tipping into her mouth drinking. She always looks so beatiful at night. Soft and unguarded. Like if she's okay with being in the dark.

Her head flicks over in my direction when she hears me. "Hi." her soft voice says. The glass softly clinks as she places it onto the glossy marble countertop. I walk closer to her. She gets close to my body so I can feel her presence send tingles down my skin. "What happened mama." I say. She's looking down at my chest. Her expression soft and not stressed. But she probably had another nightmare.

"I had a nightmare. Only for a second though. I woke myself up." I didn't hear her. So it must have been short and not as bad. "You okay?" She leans her body into mine. "Yes. Really I am." I wrap my arm around her body. "I think I have to be alone to think about everything that's happened." she says. Her eyes getting a glossy look as she spaces out staring at the floor. What is she saying. "I'm going to go home in a bit when the sun rises." she says. Don't think badly. I tell myself. She struggles with opening up. I know how she's feeling. I could probably use the time too.

"You should." I say. I stare into her dark brown eyes. They're alluring. Set. But still make me feel soft. She looks up at me. She plants a kiss on my nose. That leaves me flustered and I can feel my cheeks tinge. Jeez. She smiles a little intoxicating smile. I don't know what to say. Goodbye? I don't want her to leave. But it's not like she's leaving me to go to another country. There's a slight anxiety in my stomach. Fuck. This is alot. I don't want her to back out hecause it was too much too soon. What do I even fucking think. I denied my feelings for her not even two days ago. But I always knew they were there. What's next. Are we gonna date. Is that what's supposed to happen. We went deep into eachother.

Physically and emotionally but it's obvious we both don't know what to do. Act like a couple? Text eachother? Stop fucking thinking. I say to my brain.

"Drive safe Florecita." I grumble out. "Thank you Alex." her honey voice says. She goes into the guest room and I can hear her get her things. She comes out a few seconds later with her bag over her shoulder. She has sweats on and my hoodie. Good. She might not be sleeping on my bed anymore but she's still mine. So you do want to date her. A voice in my brain says. Shut up. She gives me a kiss before she leaves and I can't help but feel overwhelmed myself. Years since I've been with a woman. I never thought I'd find someone I believed would make me feel something.
FLOR
I woke up before my nightmare fully started. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep. The sun would rise soon and I knew I had to go home. It's not like me and Alex are gonna live together. I sit in my leather seat driving towards my apartment. The sun cracking over the horizon. Light pinks and dusky purple painting the sky. I don't know how to act. Whether to text. Come see him. What now. We are something but not anything at the same time. Truth be told I'm scared. I'm scared he won't go any more serious with this. That the touch and affection is all he wanted and it'll fade away. And I need to see how this plays out. So I came home, I didn't necessarily want to.

I tell myself that, hoping that's the truth and not that I've just been overthinking so much, I convinced myself he wasn't serious. Now that I'm away from being in his presence 24/7 I'll be able to tell if he still makes an effort. I internally grosn at the behaviors I'm exhibiting. My therapist told me I would run away from people, self sabotage. Just to see if they cared enough to chase me.