Josephine's pov
I almost kissed Bucky. I wanted to. It must be the hormones right? I sit up panting after a nightmare. I touch my slightly protruding belly and sigh. We're safe. Steve's not here to hurt us. He can't hurt me anymore. A hand touches my shoulder and I jump in fright "it's me doll" Buckys voice soothes. I sigh and he continues "I heard you screaming, another dream?"
I nod swallowing thickly. He pulls me to him my head resting on his chest "want to talk about it?" "It's ridiculous" I mutter. He makes me look at him "no it's not. If it's scaring you like this it's not ridiculous" I sigh and wipe the tears that fell and explain "I keep having these nightmares that Steve finds out I'm having this baby and he's angry and attacks me" his eyes soften "Doll..."
I continue "he's mad I have this baby and him and her can't have one so he cuts the baby from me and takes him... I try to get up and go and get him back but I can't I'm in too much pain, Losing too much blood." He kisses my head "I won't let any harm come to either of you. No matter what josie. I'm going to protect our family with my life"
I can see the seriousness in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He touches my belly "if he does find out I won't let him hurt you or this baby." My eyes meet his beautiful blue ones and I freeze feeling that...wanting for him again. I can't. I swore to myself once I found the truth that I'll never love again. That I'll never open myself up to it again. He continues "you two are my family. The most important people in my life. And I'll be damned if anyone hurts you and takes this baby from us. You're safe here. This is our home. No one else knows but Tony and Wanda." His words melt me.
This is my problem. I attach too quickly. I fall too hard. Having a father that didn't decide to truly love me until I was a teenager, and a mom who didn't truly love me and was in and out the psych ward and killed Herself in front of me, fucked me up. It's made me look for love where it didn't exist. Attach myself too quickly to men who didn't deserve me. I just want someone who loves me. Truly loves me. Bucky strokes my cheek "what?"
I shake my head standing "I can't" and I close myself in the bathroom sighing. I have to love this baby more than I was ever loved as a child. Do what my parents didn't do for me. Show this baby what real love is like so they know how to spot what's fake. A knock sounds at the door "doll is it me? Did I overstep? Did I say something wrong?" I shake my head grasping the sink. Wanting to just go outside to him. Hug him and never let go.
To rid of the fear of opening up. But I can't. I just...can't. Not again. Steve ruined me for anyone else emotionally and mentally. I can't cross this line with Bucky. I can't. He's doing an amazing thing for me, for what I think will be my son. Me and my attachment issues shouldn't ruin that for my baby by scaring Bucky away. "Doll?" Bucky asks knocking. I answer "it's not you Bucky. You're perfect" it's part of the problem.
He's so sweet, and gentle, and a beautiful soul, haunted by a past he didn't deserve. He's so...pure despite it. "What's wrong doll? I can't help if you don't tell me. I want to help you" I tell him "it's me Bucky. That's what's wrong. Me. You didn't do anything wrong" I hear him put his metal hand on the door "let me in josie...there's nothing wrong with you. Please just let me in" I know that if I do I'll just attach more.
Growing up with a loveless father I attached to happy. I was sent away to live with tony because my mom got sent away again. I was missing her and tony was trying to get me to talk but I wouldn't say anything but I wanted my mom or happy. I didn't know Tony, he avoided me as much as possible. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't talk or move until I saw my mom or happy. Little did I know I wouldn't see her again. She died locked away. She died alone. My dad took her death harshly having still been in love with her I think. I'd cry for my mother, the only, kinda parent that I knew. When she was fine and on her pills she was an amazing mother. When she stopped taking them she'd be a different person. She'd tell me she hated me and wished I died. Remind me that that was the real her. I don't like to remember her that way.
Tony wanted me to go to a convention and I wanted the chance to say goodbye to my mom. It was the day of her funeral. All I wanted was to be able to lay a rose on her casket and tell her she was loved. Tony wasn't happy about it and wanted me to go with him. He told me I didn't have a choice and I told him I wanted my mom and he wished I died and she didn't so he could have her too. Happy heard that bit and cursed tony out. Tony tried to apologize but all I did was cry and further attach myself to happy. I called happy dad once. In front of Tony too and I can't forget the hurt look on his face.
Anyway...I have a issue. I attach myself to people easily. I swallow and open the door and he sees my face "Josie" I can't stop myself from hugging him tightly my head on his chest. He hugs me and I sniffle "I-I don't even know what's going on bucky" "shh I got you doll. Come back to bed" he coos gently picking me up easily. He lays me down on the bed and kisses my head and I beg "stay" moving over and he does. Bad idea I know but I can't help myself. He asks "what brought it on" "I...I have attachment issues...I attach too easily and I don't want to ruin the chances of the baby having a good dad because I got attached-" I start and he surprises me with a kiss.
I melt into him and stop "I can't" "josie...I know Steve hurt you badly. I know whoever had you before that did too. But I won't. Okay? I find myself needing you more than I need air. This baby will have me whether you want me like this or not. I'm attached to you too. You don't have to fear being attached to me. I'm not going anywhere josie. I care deeply for you. More than I thought I ever could and should. I have for years now. Let me show you how you're supposed to be treated" his eyes begging me.
"I need time bucky" I tell him. He nods and kisses my forehead "take all the time you need...I'll always be here"
