Voices || Bangchan

Chapter 3

Number of words : 777

CHAPTER THREE

TW : UNSTABLE THOUGHTS, VIOLENCE

<3

-"Already three in the morning..."

Alone in my room, in the dark as usual, I was here, sitting at my desk in my new chair, facing my computer, the only source of light, so bright that my eyes were hurting. I needed to prepare new instrumentals for the upcoming album, hoping STAYs would like it. I'm always so worried when it comes to STAY, wondering whether they'll like it or not, it's always very stressful.

While I was concentrating on my screen, someone entered. It was Jisung.

-"Still struggling ?" He asks.
-"Not much, almost finished ! Well I hope."
-"Oh can I listen to your new ~Masterpiece~?" He teases.
-"Hmm sure ?"

I wasn't so confident as it was the first time that I was playing the whole song. As he listened, I was watching him enjoy the music and nodding in excitement. Then he suddenly stops playing the instrumental.

-"Hyung, something feels wrong. The last note isn't matching."

You did a bad job...
It's not even shocking anymore.

Suddenly I got overwhelmed with these thoughts. Were these thoughts, or true voices ? I listened to them carefully.. They're playing with me. They're going to ruin everything again..

Hannie is so kind compared to you.

-"Hyung ? Maybe you should just modify this one ? What do you think ?"

I was watching the screen with no feelings. Just despaired black eyes.

Look at him trying to help you gently while you yell at them.
You're so BAD ! *laughs*

-"Right here, look, I think that would sound better.."

Jisung is so confused, I can hear it in his tone of voice but I was unable to answer. The voices....I was trying so hard to keep my feelings down but.. I can almost only hear them..

You should reconsider your choice of carrier.
Maybe it isn't made for you ! *giggles*

What did you say..?

*laughs*

-"Hyung... are you listening ?"

Are you listening ? Are you ?
No you're not ! You don't like when you realize they're better than you.

-"Please.. just get out..." I whisper

It was out of context...

-"Huh ?"
-"I can only hear them..."
-"What's wrong..?"

Just go.. I don't want to hurt him...

But you will *laughs*
Your behavior is so bad

Get out..

-"Hyung..?"
-"Stop bothering me.."

At this point I could only answer these thoughts. They were so loud..

-"Just go.. I beg you..." I said louder.
-"But-"
-"I don't want to hurt him..."
-"Who..?"

You're a psycho...
A waste...
A trash.....

-"Please get out of here...." I started tearing up..
-"Hyung look at me ?"

You should have stayed lonely.

-"SHUT UP ! JUST GO AWAY, I'M BEGGING YOU !" My voice was shaking...

I get up angry, tears flowing, running on my cheeks. I throw papers across the room.

-"I'm sorry...!"

No, no don't go... please stay...

And he left... frightened....

I stayed here, staring at the door that just closed, biting my lower lip, my breathing was heavy as my eyes couldn't stop crying. I was shaking, hands gripped on my pants.

You scared your lovely kid..
You hurt your friends so easily.
You're so cold-hearted....

-"FUCK !"

I find the strength to get to the door and lock myself. As I relied on my door, my head started to hurt...

You can't make friends !
Everyone will hate you !

I knew my condition right now could have broken someone's heart. I was so mad, walking in the direction of my desk. I just get to it and punch it violently.

Not once...

-STOP BOTHERING ME !

Not twice..

-WHY DID YOU HAVE TO COME HERE ?

But three times...

-Why have you changed... so much...?

Sobbing, crying, having a breakdown... I lost my balance and let myself fall on the floor as I suddenly got memories...

I was all alone as a kid... Never had friends... Never had anyone to talk to... Never got any gift... Never laughed with anyone... My only friends used to be... these voices..... I talked to them daily... When I was bored, sad, even when I was in class, or at home... late at night.... all the time.

Until one day they were gone, the day I turned sixteen... I tried to talk to them but I've never gotten any answers... So I started overthinking at that point. Were they all only my kid's imagination ? Were they really gone ? Did I have to socialize with someone ? I thought I would never have to socialize with anybody since I had my "friends" with me all the time.

But now they were back, now that I finally had friends to talk to, to laugh with..

-"I need to go check on Jisung..."

« It is time to wake up ».