Voices || Bangchan

Chapter 6

Number of words : 849

CHAPTER SIX

TW : UNSTABLE THOUGHTS, SUICIDE

<3

The rain was ruining the day.. Everyone had to stay at the dorms today and all of our schedules got cancelled. We had to postpone the interviews and some other random activities. I was by myself, as usual, sitting on a chair in our kitchen. I got used to it by now, being left alone with no one to ask me how my day has gone so far, or if I wanted to talk about something. 

Because I was the oldest, I had to keep saying I was fine. I had to work even harder on myself, to carry the pain on my own shoulders, they were younger than me, I had to make them feel safe. As the leader, everything had to be okay, either way I wouldn’t be capable of leading the team. They had their own worries to deal with… 

And most of all, I didn’t want them to feel pity for a person they don’t like. 

So I was there in the evening, my right elbow on the table, head tightly carried by my cold hand. My gaze was on a flower pot on that same table and I was staring at it so deeply. I think if this flower pot had a face it would tell me how horrible I looked. 

I haven’t slept for several days, I was weak in every way a man can be, mentally, physically, but I knew I couldn’t fight with the world either. I was too tired of being here, my condition was so unstable that I couldn’t think of anything else than the life time I had left. It probably won’t be lasting for too long anyways. 

I knew I could die without anyone worrying, because no one liked me enough to do so. And it was sort of a relief, because it would hurt no one, and they’ll all finally feel better. And who knows, maybe even I will find peace. 

All of a sudden, my head started to hurt. I had to take it between both my hands, covering my ears. I was shaking again, my legs got weak, I felt my body getting hurt, my vision got so blurry, I couldn’t see anything, I needed to close my eyes. My mind was empty. I wanted to throw up, the feeling was so bad I was breathing in pain. There was no noise, but why was it being so loud in my head ? 

Unexpectedly, a tinnitus started resonating in my ears, soon in my whole body, I was not controlling my body anymore. They were… 

End it all, Chris.
Die. 

Why is it so loud.. stop screaming.

K-kill y-you-rself.

They were beginning to lag…. What does that mean…?

Go ah-h-he-ead.
Your s-sou-l is dead alr-r-r-eady.

You're right..

We were always here for y-you.
Ho-n-esty was the key.

Stop this…

Your body will never hurt any-m-more..
Kill you-ourself, Chris.
You’re so t-tired..

I’m sorry… I left you alone for so long..

You-ur body will eventually ge-t weaker and weaker as t-time passes b-by..
F-find your way to end it all Chris…

As I tried opening my eyes, I tried to recognize my surroundings. It was so blurry… so dark.. I was in my room. How did I get there….

The window was opened… it never had been opened..

G-go ahead…
We, we will leave you a-fter this… 
Y-you won’t have to suffer anymore.

I’m not sure about that..

Kill yourself..

I walked a bit unconsciously towards the window. Was the door even locked ?

Y-you don’t have to worry. No one will come to ch-check up on you..

I can’t leave them…

They don’t want you here.
Will you let them manipulate you ?

Aren’t you guys the one manipulating me…?

Y-you used to trust us…
Why are you trusting humans more than your own body..?

The pain was worse, my body was completely empty. My legs were shaking so much I fell many times. My breath got heavier as tears ran down my face for the last time. These tears were so warm, yet so salty. 

As I got up on the edge of my window.. The fresh air was making me feel better and the sun has set by now.. 

I’m scared…

Scared of being free..?
Die Christopher, this is what you deserve.

Why are you so mean to me…?

Do it yourself, or we’ll push you to do it.

I looked down, feeling dizzy. 

I don’t want to go..

But as I said this, my legs had no energy left,

and collapsed.

I

I f

I fe

I fel

I fell

I fell d

I fell do

I fell dow

I fell down…

And my heart left my body before hitting the ground.

No one entered my room that day.

So that was it… it had to be that way… right..?

Any last words..?

Me, Bang Christopher, will never be remembered.

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