Voices || Bangchan

Chapter 5

Number of words : 1072

CHAPTER FIVE

TW : UNSTABLE, DEPRESSIVE + SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

<3

Scrolling on my phone, time passed by quickly. It was surely very late now, and still, I couldn't find any way to sleep. After finishing looking at some fanarts from STAYs on Instagram, I decided to take a break.

I get up from my cozy bed and head towards my desk, where unfinished lyrics are waiting. Sitting down on this chair for the tenth time today, I notice that it is already more than two in the morning on my computer screen. What a good time to work anyways, I work better at night. I turn my desk lamp on, and try to complete these lyrics. After throwing a bunch of paper in the trash because what I wrote wasn't even good, I was almost done. I worked slowly to be honest, so I decided to take a break after a good hour of work and open Twitter.

As I see a bunch of content from the kids, a little smile appeared on my tired bareface. STAY being proud of my members maybe was a hopeful sign for me to keep going next to them. The feed started getting boring so I click on the search bar and type my name, to check the news. As I scroll down, my smile fades little by little... They only like the kids... not me..

"He's not that talented to be honest. Such a bad leader. #leaveskzbangchan"

"Idk how can people appreciate him, he can't radiate positive vibes to most of us. #skzot7 #bangchandeservesnothing"

"LMAOOO have you guys seen his last live ? He got sooo baadddd I hate his behavior so muuuch ! #bangchanshoulddie #bangchanleave"

"Why wasn't he invested in the last ot8 live ? I think he doesn't care about Stray Kids. #bangchandoesnotrepresentskz"

This shit is serious. No one likes me anymore.. I'm getting abandoned by my own family and fans...

Experiencing reality ?
Face to face with hate ?

I don't know what to think, to say. I'm just here, dumb, putted aside, alone. I was so certain that they would at least support me... but no one is... I changed.. and this isn't good for anyone. Maybe I'm not made for this...

Maybe you should listen to them...

No..?

But you should...

S-stop....

Dying can be the only option sometimes...
You should let the kids enjoy... they're better without you..

That hurts my feelings deep inside.. Because I knew they were right. After all this time I still tried to believe that they at least appreciated me.. I never asked for love, for them to actually care a lot for me, just at least for them to like when I was around or having time with them.

But everything is telling me otherwise. They all started to hate me, one by one. They understood that they would enjoy their time more without me. I wasn't supposed to be part of this group. I was just here to fulfil the room, nothing else. What if the voices were right since the beginning, and I didn't trust them..?

Listen to them...

I slowly get up, my tired body was so weak I almost fell on the floor, but I successfully take the lyrics I made, folded the paper, and tore it until I was sure no one could ever find them again. Everything falls apart in the trash and I sit back down, exhausted, I was done. So done, so tired, so weak, so lost, so stupid.

They're right... listen to what they said...

Tears, again and again, that was all I could do. I'm capable of nothing but crying. And it's been so long since I cry everyday, that I still don't understand how I did believe that people could still give a shit about me. They didn't care, they never cared.. at all. I'm reduced to a hundred pieces, a puzzle that is impossible to solve, because no piece fits together. Useless, this is what I was.

*giggles*

I take a new paper, a pen, and start to write with black ink. Words couldn't describe my current state of mind, I just wrote whatever I had on my heart. I didn't care about the result, as they never cared about me. I never did anything right anyways, it's not like this was going to change a thing.

"Let me be honest, I have enough. Today is the day where I decided to trust them. I've been warned, and warned again, but deep inside I always did want to believe in what I always believed in : that Stray Kids loved me, that STAY loved me. Apparently, I was wrong all along, and I should have trusted them. I heard you, talking behind my back because you were too afraid of me. I read you, telling millions of people how much I'm hated. All of this got straight to my mind, it's been so long since I've been blind towards my actual situation. But now I'm sick and tired of it. I'm feeling like a burden, a useless "nothing" who's here only to convince myself that I have a reason to be. But I don't have any, I lost my mind, lost myself, lost everything I had, I'm just thinking about "what if I end it all ?" but I know no one will ever care. I am writing this today, for you to understand that even I am a question without any answer. Even I don't understand myself, I don't know how all of this happened or when it all started, but I'm so tired... My body is weak, my mind is weak, my thoughts are dark, I'm not getting enough sleep, I cry all day, all night, I made bad mistakes... I want to leave..., and I'm just asking you to understand my last wish.."

- Bang Christopher

And it ended up being... death letters, I wrote a lot of things, like... a lot. It took me over five pages to finish saying all what I needed to get off my chest. And for one second, I felt my chest getting lighter, my eyes sparkling from all the tears I let down my cheeks, without even trying to stop them. I kept sobbing, even after putting my pen back on my desk but... at least.., Just for a moment, after writing what's inside of me, I felt free.

Maybe it was the solution,

I will listen to you now....

« It is time to wake up ».