Voices || Bangchan

Chapter 7

Number of words : 1201

CHAPTER SEVEN

TW : UNSTABLE THOUGHTS, SUICIDE

<3

The eight of us were together in the living room. Even though I was distancing myself a bit, I was looking at them with a compassionate smile. They were all playing video games on our new TV screen, some taking the whole couch and the others on the carpet. Them laughing and being extra to each other was enough to make my day. Felix used to scream in enthousiasm when he was playing with them all. I loved all of their unique habits, but his smile was making me feel at home. 

It was probably in such moments that I was understanding how united Stray Kids was. And it was by looking at them that I wanted to give them the love they all deserved. I wanted to give them everything, from simple words to hugs, from new bracelets to trophies, and even to the bright stars in the night sky. I needed to be sure that they all were feeling safe here. Each time I realised they do feel safe, it made me happy, and that was the only thing that matters to me.

-"They’re cute..." I whisper to myself. 

It had been a long hour since they were playing, as I finished doing the dishes in the loud noises they were making, I got back to the place I was standing earlier. It was almost five in the afternoon and I had to talk to the members individually to do a check up for JYP. 

-"Hey guys I’m going to need y’all to come for the check up one by one."  

No answer. Do I talk too quietly ?
I repeat that same sentence louder but it just felt as I wasn’t there. If only I knew they never heard me talking at all..

While I think about what I’ve done until now, it is true that today felt.. different. Not only right now, but the whole day. We always were all together, but I never got to talk to any members, it was truly weird.. 

Do you feel ignored, Chris ?

I do...

-"Hey Chan, you coming ?"

Don’t. 

Why..?

Just say no. 

-"Hum, n-no, thanks."

Why are you listening to us just now..?

I’m.. trusting you..

Don’t you have enough already ? 

Enough...?

Listen to us Chris, they always are ignoring you, leaving you alone, they’re not that caring towards you so why do you keep believing in them ? 

Today is different..

If today is different every day will be even more different.
They’ll keep hurting your feelings.  

A sudden tinnitus got me and my head began to hurt again. I tried to not worry the members and walked fastly towards my bedroom. I think that no one noticed..

Once in, I tried to lock the door as my legs collapsed and immediately felt my body fall on the floor. My body couldn’t stop shaking, I was feeling so weak. Why now..?

We’ve told you... we will push you to do it.

Even though this situation felt usual, it wasn’t. Not this time, it felt deeper, right inside of me. I truly felt the pain, it was so different.. At some point, the noises in my mind eventually got louder and louder when I couldn’t handle anything, and I couldn’t even hear the kids laughing outside.