Voices || Bangchan

Chapter 4

Number of words : 810

CHAPTER FOUR

TW : UNSTABLE, DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS, SELF HARM, BLOOD

<3

The sun is setting in the cloudy sky, creating waves of a yellowish palette right above South-Korea. I always love watching the sunset, that's one of the most beautiful things I have ever known on Earth. I just came back from an appointment at JYPE, opening the door to the dorm. Today's weather was fresh but warm at the same time... Feeling so weird but lovely.

As I pass by the living room up to my room, I feel like no one was home.. It was so quiet compared to usual. I simply quickly get to my room, and pack some stuff for tomorrow. I hum while searching for the items needed and put them all in a bag, trying to organise the room while doing so.

About twenty minutes later, I decided to check up on my members.

First up is Minho, he was straight forward from my room. I knock and enter, and he's just there, laying in his bed, phone in his hands, probably watching stuff.

-"Oh hey Hyung !"

I greet him and close the door.

I do the same for the others and as I walk by I notice that Changbin isn't in his room.

Where could he be..

My new side quest was to find Changbin. I get to Seungmin's room and hear people talking.

Oh, he might just be in here.

Are you sure you want to get in ?

Uh, well... no

As I don't want to bother them, I was going to walk away..

Don't you want to know what they're talking about..?
Don't be so shy.. they won't notice...

Why am I thinking about spying on my brothers now ? Deep inside I can't help it but wanting to at least check... I step back until I get at the door and put my ear against the cold door.

-"So do you think that we should talk to him about that..?"
-"I don't know Hyung.. it's getting worse each day..."

What...? Could they possibly..

Talk about you ? *giggles*

-"He's acting cold and.. distant... it hurts my feelings.."
-"Minnie listen, I think maybe it is better to stay quiet for now."
-"What if he's no longer loving us...?"
-"He still is our leader.."

You're not showing your love... how bad.
You're hurting everyone now.

My members.. My lovely members... How could they think that...

It's all your fault darling...

Of course.. I can only blame it on myself.

-"He's so weird... I don't like being around him, that's making me uncomfortable.."

*laughs* We've told you ! Everyone is hating you.
They no longer need you.

I became what I was so scared to become.. No one needs me.. They're learning to rely on each other.. No one wants to be around me.
I understand now why they weren't talking much to me. All of that time, I was alone again, because they HATE me.

So are you understanding just now..?

I felt so betrayed, so bad, so empty, even I had no one to rely on from now on...

How does it feel...?

Bad...I'm empty..

Empty..?

I... I do not have a purpose here anymore...

Have you ever had a purpose here anyways ? *giggles*

I hate you...

You hate yourself too..
Cut it...

Hm..?

This body... it's ugly, use it for something...

I.. can't do that..

You're willing to keep your ugly body like that..?
How sad...

Slowly, I started walking, towards my room.. Once I get in, I make sure to lock it correctly and head to the bathroom.

There, I look for.... something.

Would a blade work...?

No answer...

I just take my shirt off, get in the shower and look down at my chest, my arms...

I think for a couple minutes, the little blade between my fingers, I contemplate it as a trophy, something I deserved basically...

I'm ugly...

Cut it...

I'm fat...

Cut it deep....

I'm a waste....

Do not hesitate...

A trash....

Use this ugly body for something...

Cold-hearted..

Cut, cut it,
Just do it!

I opened the robinet of the shower, and cold water started flowing down on my whole body. As I tear up, I start getting angry at myself...

I'm a psycho..

One....

Everyone hates me..

Two...

I'm a burden...

Three...

I hate this body...

Four...

Fucking piece of shit...

Five...

I ruined everything...

Six...

I'm not capable of anything...

Seven...

I hurt my friends...

Eight...

I think too much and I hate it...

I felt the blade sliding off my hands as blood kept coming out of my arms, creating a real horror movie scene. I was horrified at what I've done to myself, tears running down my cheeks. I'm nothing, just a dead soul inside an empty body. Shaking, freezing, bleeding, I think this is what I deserve...

I have enough.

« It is time to wake up ».