The Army Girl (lesbian) completed

10. Sammantha's Point Of View.

Time lapse - three weeks later.

Nothing much had really happened since Carmen told us about her extended tour. We all stopped arguing about everything and enjoyed our time together. We had all been busy getting things together for Antonio and Carmen's birthday and I had only just managed to sneak away to pick up Carmen's birthday present.

Nothing has happened between Carmen and I since we both admitted how we felt about each other. We've spent plenty of time together, but, just as friends, hanging out at the beach, surfing and going to Sunset Hill. To be honest, as much as I loved her, I couldn't pursue a relationship with her knowing that in just under a week she would be leaving me again for at least six months.

Everything Carmen had said to me had stuck in my head, how at her weakest points I was the one that gave her strength. She explained how horrible it was to fight out in the war, how hard it was coming home knowing she would have to leave again and for the life of me I couldn't fathom how she could keep going back. I couldn't understand how she could put herself, and all of us, through all of it time and time again.

I had struggled coming up with a good gift idea for Carmen and had thought about it nonstop since Carmen had come home. Antonio was easy to shop for, all he wanted was a new tattoo, not just any tattoo though. He wanted a huge tribal that covered his right arm, right side of his chest and shoulder blade and down his side ending at his hip. We all decided to each chip in some money to pay for him to get the tattoo.

Carmen's always been difficult to buy for, when she was building her car we all used to give her money towards car parts. Anytime we asked what she wanted, her reply was always the same, 'I just want my family with me.'

Since Carmen had come home I had noticed that whenever she was deep in thought, nervous, worried, angry or happy she would always run her fingers over her military issued dog tags. Thinking back to when she joined the Army, I noticed that she never actually removed the dog tags like Lucas did when he came home and like Sophie and Sonja had done.

It gave me the idea of the perfect gift for her, I had ordered it to be custom made and I had just picked it up for her. I stopped at an empty park and sat on the swing looking over the gift in detail as I swung gently to and fro.

The gift was just a set of dog tags that, when put side by side, had a heart shape cut out of them. The front of one dog tag was inscribed, 'when you are feeling weak' while the back had 'I'll hold you in my heart'. The front of the other dog tag had 'I will give you strength' and the back had 'till I can hold you in my arms'

When read side by side the tags said, 'When you are feeling weak, I will give you strength. I'll hold you in my heart, till I can hold you in my arms.'.

The meaning behind the inscription was that I would give her the strength she needs while she's away like she said I did, and that I would always be here once she returned. It hurt that I couldn't follow my heart and be with her like I wanted to. But my brain was taking charge and telling me that we could be nothing more than friends while she was in the Army. I would never make her pick between being with me and her career. I honestly couldn't set myself up for worse heartbreak if I did enter a relationship with her, because there was always a chance she wouldn't make it back to me alive.

Sat on the swing looking at the gift, I was feeling a bit nervous about giving it to her in case she didn't like it. I tucked the gift box back into my pocket as I scuffed my feet against the ground. I pulled out my iPod and started playing music, Broken- by Seether and Amy Lee, sounded through my earphones, singing quietly along, I was aware the sun was setting and it was starting to get dark.

I felt the familiar vibration of my phone in my pocket and I pulled it out checking the caller ID. I scoffed as I was greeted with Carmen's name popping up on my screen for the sixth time in half an hour and I jumped off the swing as I started my way home, ignoring Carmen's phone call.

I wanted you to know, that I love the way you laugh.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain,

'Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome,
And I don't feel right, when you're gone away.

I never felt right every time Carmen left me again. It hurt every time and in just a few short days she would be gone again.

You've gone away, you don't feel me here, anymore.

The worst is over now and we can breathe again.
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away.
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain,

'Cause I'm broken, when I'm open,
And I don't feel like I am strong enough.
Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome,
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.

So many thoughts were spiralling in my head. There was a heavy weight on my heart knowing this time Carmen would be gone longer. Knowing she would be in more danger than usual, and the weight was crushing me.

'Cause I'm broken, when I'm open,
And I don't feel like I am strong enough.
Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome,
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.

'Cause I'm broken, when I'm lonesome,
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.

You've gone away,
You don't feel me here, anymore.

I had reached the pub by the time the song had finished and was greeted with an angry and confused looking Carmen as I entered through the door. Our family and friends seemed to be watching us carefully from the bar and the customers went silent as they watched us interact.

"The sun has set." Carmen stated narrowing her eyes at me and crossing her arms over her chest.

"I noticed." I replied quickly with a sigh as I sat down at the bar.

"We have a tradition." Carmen responded carefully as she leant against the bar next to me pushing a drink into my hands.

"I'm aware of our tradition, Carmen," I sighed turning to face Carmen. "Look, I had to go and pick something up, okay? I'm sorry I couldn't make it back in time to go to the Hill, but, there was no other time I could go to collect what I needed." I explained making eye contact with her chocolate coloured eyes. Over the years I noticed her eyes would slightly change shades depending on her moods.

"Okay." Carmen replied simply, her expression warming up, "I'm gunna head to bed, got a long day tomorrow."

"Long day?" I asked, confused, as Carmen walked away.

"Yeah, I want to get my stuff packed ready for going back to base and then there is the birthday celebrations tomorrow night. Day after that, I'm going to need to recuperate before travelling back." Carmen explained as she left the bar and me behind.

I hung out in the bar and had a couple of drinks before I retreated upstairs to Carmen's room to sleep. As I walked into Carmen's room I noticed her bags and military things in a pile, in the corner of the room and Carmen fast asleep in her bed. I got changed into my pyjamas before climbing in beside her and falling asleep quickly.