Don't lose HOPE [COMPLETED]

Chapter 1

HOPE

I sometimes wonder if I've gained some kind of superpower of becoming invisible. I've always been a loner, wanting to be by myself...but now, it feels like nobody sees me anymore. I had a few friends when I was a little girl, but living with my parents⸺a mom who's an alcoholic who manages to keep her job, but drinks as soon as she gets home. A father who's a workaholic, and the few hours he's home, argues with mom about her drinking⸺I didn't really want to bring any friends home. My parents don't notice me anymore. I'm more of a burden, and I always have been.

When I was born, mom got postpartum depression. Giving birth can trigger a lot of powerful emotions, and not only good ones, but sometimes, also fear and anxiety. Some women can feel it for a few days after, but then, it stops. That's called baby blues. Postpartum depression has symptoms that are more intense and last longer, and may eventually interfere with your ability to care for your baby and handle daily tasks. That's what happened to my mom.

From what I've heard them saying⸺or screaming to each other during their fights⸺is that they never planned on having a baby in the first place. I can't blame mom for her depression, but I can blame her for not getting help or even wanting to be better and care for me. I can blame dad for not caring for me when mom couldn't. I can blame both of them for not putting me up for adoption instead when they so clearly didn't want me, but maybe that wouldn't have been any better either. Maybe my new parents would've been worse. At least my parents don't abuse me physically, only mentally.

Everyone thought that I was a beautiful, little girl when I was younger, with my long, wavy, brown hair, my big, blue eyes and milky-white skin, and I've always been tiny. My eating habits made me skinnier and probably shorter than I should be. The only ones that didn't think I was beautiful was my parents that didn't care. They just pretended to care in front of others, but when we came home, I was invisible again.

Mom never really got out of her depression since she sought comfort in the bottle instead of seeking help. She said that no one could help her anyway. Postpartum depression or not, this was not the life she wanted...with a child.

Mom cooks at times when she's not passed out, but as soon as dad comes home, they get into a fight. I rather stay in my room than go down for dinner and be in the middle of it. Usually, I lay on my bed and wait for them to go to sleep. When it gets quiet, I wait a bit longer just in case, then sneak down to the kitchen to grab a sandwich or something quick that I can bring up to my room in case they start again.

I'm in my senior year in high school. I'm turning 18 in two weeks. I've never celebrated my birthdays since my parents didn't care. I wonder if they even remember when my birthday is.

It's another morning and I'm getting ready for school. My morning routine is quick. As always, I put on an oversized hoodie, leggings and my converse. I just draw a brush through my hair and grab something with me to eat for lunch, usually a sandwich and an apple. I never eat in the dining hall. My locker is the last one down a small corridor. There's a bench there where I usually sit and eat. No one cares to approach me or try to make friends with me anymore. I've made it clear that I want to be left alone. Usually, they don't see me at all, or they see me as the strange loner. I hear them whispering sometimes, saying that I have a mental problem or something. I don't care, as long as they leave me alone. Sometimes, some mean girls nudge my shoulder when they pass me, only to laugh when I fall down, but mostly, they don't notice me, and I prefer it like that.

Some boys have tried to flirt with me from time to time. They quickly give up when I don't even talk to them or show them any interest. It doesn't happen anymore, though. Everyone at school knows who I am and not to bother me...or is it because I've become invisible? I don't even think that the teachers notice me anymore. I've been left alone in the classroom more than one time after class has ended.

Today is such a day. Math class is over and everyone hurries out of the classroom. I always sit in the back corner near the window. I like to look outside toward the woods, especially when it's raining and the raindrops trail down the window. I watch their path from the top and all the way down to the bottom where they disappear.

I wish I could disappear.

The teacher grabs his stuff and gets out of the classroom after the students have left. I'm left alone again, just like I want to...right?

I sigh and sit there for a while. The rain has stopped. I wonder how long I could sit here before anyone notices. Would they notice if I sat here until the next class starts? Would they notice if I sat here until the day ends?

Probably not.

I don't have any plans for college. My plan has always been to finish high school, and then move far, far away. Where, I don't know. Just away and maybe start over. I have money saved. Even if my parents don't care, they managed to get me a savings account for college. They haven't even asked me about my college plans. I think they just did it to get rid of me after high school. I have high grades since all I do is study when I'm at home. Maybe I could get a job somewhere, but who would hire me when I don't have any people skills and want to be left alone? Would starting over make me happy?

Probably not. It's better if I just disappear.

I walk out of the classroom and put my books in my locker. I grab my backpack and walk toward the main entrance and step outside. It's lunchtime, so I'm the only one outside right now. It's still a little bit too cold to sit outside an eat, and it's just been raining.

I stand on the path that's leading toward the parking lot. That's the way I walk home every day. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and drop my backpack on the grass. Instead of walking home, I turn left toward the woods. I leave my backpack behind, because I don't need it anymore.

I find a path and follow it for a long time. I walk with tears in my eyes. Finally, I'm going to be free, and nobody is going to care or even notice that I'm gone.

Eventually, I stop and the trees grow denser. I stand there and breath, not knowing where I'm going or how I'm going to end it all.

Suddenly, I hear branches cracking and a huge bear walks out from the trees. I get scared, but calm down pretty quickly. I guess this is the way to go. At least I don't have to take the step myself.

I close my eyes and just stand there, waiting for it to strike and for this to be over with. I hear a deep growl from my right and think that it must be another bear, but when I open my eyes, there's a huge wolf standing there.

Good, I think to myself, both a bear and a wolf. If one of them doesn't kill me, the other one will. I will go down quickly and hopefully not with too much pain.

But the wolf doesn't seem to be focused on me. It looks me in the eyes, then strike at the bear. They fight, and soon three other wolves join in.

My heart is thumping in my chest. Why aren't they attacking me rather than the bear? I'm an easier target. Maybe they want to get rid of the bear first so it doesn't eat me before they get the chance to.

I'm left standing there before my brain decides that it's better to run than to be eaten by these wild animals. There must be an easier way to go. A less painful one.

I run in a different direction, but further into the woods. I don't know how far I've ran or how long I've been out here, but eventually, I stop at a cliff. I try to catch my breath and look down. It's a long way down and there are big rocks at the bottom before the grass takes over and spreads out into a beautiful landscape. This is better than being eaten by a wild animal. It will be quick. I just need to let go.

A sob escape my lips and I close my eyes, preparing myself to take another step, and then it will all be over. I will be free.