When Tomorrow Never Came

Chapter 17

Then next morning everyone sat around to tell about their nights and I was sitting there sipping on a more irish coffee. I made a joke about being nicer to Judy as she told us about her stressful evening and poured myself more coffee with whiskey in it. Gerty noticed and questioned it but I assured her I wouldn't have any alcohol at lunch. It was a lie though. I started to spiral out of control with my drinking. I would drink after work at the club and hide out in the cellar till Gerty was done closing up, I would try to be helpful and clean while I was down there but really I was just trying to ignore the pain in my heart. I was pretending I was put back together, and the drinking only made me more depressed. I kept telling myself this was the life I deserved, but the Swills and their love for me and their wants of a better life for me gave me the realization that I still wasn't dealing with all my grief in a healthy manner. 

So here I was the first of May on a barstool, with my second beer of the night after weeks of more heavy drinking than my flask this past year. 
I was feeling proud of myself, I was pushing past my insecurities and actually enjoying myself

"Lee, may I get one more  Shlitz over here?" I sweetly smiled sliding my money onto the counter he happily obliged as he slid me the beer. taking a sip I silently praised myself for not going overboard until someone's voice  popped my damn bubble.

"Mind if I sit here" he asked. I glanced up and saw Peirson right before my eyes and for once he didn't have his scowl on his face. I glanced around and realized all of the other stools were taken. son of a bitch....

"Sure not like you can sit anywhere else" I said coldly, taking a big swig off my bottle.

"Thanks" he awkwardly mumbled before taking his seat. There was a long awkward silence as I tried to hurry up with my drink

"No need to rush, you're actually the person I wanted to see,  you know you're a hard woman to find" he started 

"I'm a woman who doesn't want to be found. What do you want, Pierson?" I retorted. My brash tone put a hesitation to his demeanor as he slid an envelope to me and ordered a drink 

"What is this an apology letter?" I questioned staring at the paper as if it were some kind of a diseased rat.

"No... it's a letter. from Turner. Before he died" he stated uncomfortably 
Speechless, I stared at Pierson watching him sip his drink. 

"Before you go flying off the handle I didn't know what it was until a couple months ago when I finally went through some of his things that I had... for his memorial" he explained quickly while taking another drink.
I picked up the letter and stared at it. After all this time there was one more letter. I should have been grateful but instead it felt like a slap in the face coming from Pierson 

"Why did you bring me this letter, you were the one who told me to get the hell over it, he wasn't coming back, or let's see what was it again oh yeah!  my chances of being a housewife died with Turner" I glared at Pierson feeling a whole rise of emotions burst through me.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. 

" Lee, another Shlitz please" I requested sliding the last of my evening money to Lee as he handed me my beer 

"I'll be downstairs if anyone needs anything" I growled, grabbing the beer and letter. Making my way to the kitchen I passed Gerty, I knew she was disappointed that I was hiding out in the cellar again but I couldn't sit at the bar anymore not when he was there

I opened the cellar door and stared down the stairs into the dark abyss. for once I didn't want to hide out and work in the cellar till closing time... but I didn't want to go back out either. I sat on the top step and stared at the letter trying to tell myself to open it. I desperately missed his letters... but it won't make him appear by my side. Even once I've read my letter it won't matter. I can't write him back telling him everything I wanted to before.