Nightmare

Chapter 32

⚠️TW: SELF-H@RM⚠️

..Ruth's POV..

I can feel the stinging in my wrist, I can still see the red liquid dropping down my wrist. Tears roll down faster down my cheeks.

I thought this would help, but it didn't. No matter how many times I did it. It took no pain away, it just created more. Because I've fucked up now.

I was clean.
1 whole fucking Year! I was clean and I've fucked up. Blake, he's going to be disappointed. I'm going to disappoint him. Jenna would be disappointed in me too.

I lean on the dresser, and cry I just cry more and more until I can't. I see the mess I am right now. I'm a fucked up mess again. I hit my thighs until I feel them throbbing, no matter how much physical pain I put myself through it won't take the pain I have in my heart.

I get up and clean everything up, I clean the razor put it away and hide it. Blake can't know about this, I don't want to hurt him. I grab some clean clothes and walk into the bathroom. I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself.

My eyes are swollen and red, my hair is a mess. My fist are bloody, and my shirt is cover with blood. More tears starts rolling down my eyes. I jump into the shower and turn it all the way towards the hot water.

I want to feel different pain, not this pain. I can't bare it. I feel the hot water burning my skin. I hiss a bit but I get use to it. I feel the cuts burn when the hot water hits them.

And then I cry harder, I've fucked up.

~*~

..Blake's POV..

As I open Ruth's front door it's quite, I went to the book store but Nora said she wasn't there. I came straight to her place. I look around but don't see her. I walk towards her bedroom to see the door closed.

"Baby?" I ask while walking in. It's all dark, the curtains are shut. She's laying in bed, is she okay? I rush next to her and kneel in front of her. "Baby?" I say, I can barley see her face since it's all dark.

"Are you okay? Is something wrong?" I ask her. "I'm fine.." she says, I don't believe her, I feel like somethings wrong. "Ruth, what's wrong? You left work early, your laying in bed. There's no light in the room. And I don't believe a word you just said" I tell her.

"I said I'm fine Blake. I just want to sleep" she says, did I do something? I question myself. I walk towards the window and open the curtains. I finally see her, her body is hidden under the covers.

"Baby, please tell me what's wrong" I tell her, she's hiding her face with the covers. Somethings obviously wrong, and I want her to tell me. She can trust me, I'm here for her.

"Jeez Blake I said I'm fine okay! I'm totally fine just leave me alone I want to sleep!" She says. I feel a bit hurt, "you've been crying" I say, her eyes are red like really red.

"No I haven't" she says, I sit next to her. "Baby, please tell me I'm here for you. You can trust me.." I tell her grabbing her hand. Her hands are shaking, and then I hear her let out a sob.

I pull her close to me and wrap my arms tightly around her. "It's okay, I got you. I'm right here" I whisper in her ear. She cry's so hard, her body is shaking. And she keeps repeating "I'm sorry" so many times.

"I'm sorry Blake.." she says pulling away, "why? You didn't do anything" I tell her. "Jenna. She was g-going to w-work. And she g-got into a c-car accident.." she break down again.

I hug her again, oh god not Jenna. Please I hope it's not what I think it is. This can't happen to Ruth. She can't lose Jenna. "She didn't make it Blake" she says.

And my hopes all gone, Jenna's gone. The only family Ruth had left. "Ruth, I'm so sorry" I tell her hugging her harder. "Don't be sorry, I'm sorry...I was feeling so mad and sad. I was angry at the world for taking her away from me. I felt like I was drowning. I didn't know how to control all these emotions, that I did something I wasn't suppose to do..." she says.

She stands up and steps away from me, I look at her confused. "What did you do Ruth?" I ask her, "I...I'm sorry I fucked up. I was doing so go but I f-" I hug her. I pull her so close to me.

I know what she did, I know perfectly well what she's talking about. I can't be mad at her, I am a bit disappointed but I'm not gonna tell her that.

She probably feels like she's disappointed me, she thinks I'm mad. But I'm not, I understand that all the emotions she was feeling was hard, i understand that she wasn't thinking right and thought the only way was that.

"I'm not mad Ruth..." I tell her what she needs to hear.

"I'm so sorry.." she whispers, "I know baby..I know it's okay" I say. I kiss her forehead repeatedly. "I wasn't thinking..I'm sorry. I understand if you're disappointed I'm disappointed in my self" she says.

"I'm not disappointed baby, I know why you did it. Why didn't you call me?" I ask her. I feel guilty, terrible for not being here for her.

"I didn't wanna bother you..you were at work" she says. I pull away from her. Both my hands capture her face lightly. "Ruth you should've called me. I could care less about work. Fuck work, I care about you only you. You are never a bother, never have and never will me Ruth" I tell her.

Her eyes finally meet mine, and it pains my heart to see her like this. She was doing so well, she looked happy. She was happy these past few months. But now she's looks sad, in pain. She doesn't deserve any of this.

Why is the world so unfair?

I lay down with her and hug her close to me, she needs me right now. And I'm here, I'm gonna be by her side. I'm not gonna leave. "Get some rest baby" I tell her.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you when you got here.." she says. "Don't be sorry, it's okay" I tell her. She shakes her head no before wrapping her arms around me.

I kiss her head, play with strands of her hair. Until I hear her light snores, she's fast asleep. I smile and kiss her.

I should've been there for her..

~*~

Umm well this is it for this chapter. I'm sorry if it was to much. This chapter broke my heart.

Ruth doesn't deserve any of this. Please don't hate me y'all.

Thank you guys for reading this book, and checking all the chapters out. It means a lot to me.

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