Lie To Yourself

33

The air had so much in it that morning. Hurt, forgiveness, clarity, confusion oh and vodka.

"You been awake long?" Brooke nestled into me as I scrolled on my phone.

"Nope, only about 10 minutes, unfortunately for me I have a raging headache"

"I think you mean hangover" she smirked at me, creating a dimple that I have seen less than a handful of times. "Can I ask you a question?"

I don't know if I'm ready for this question.

"Sure" looking up at her, I feigned confidence in my response.

"Did you go to the gay bar to sleep with another girl?" Oh fuck.

"Honestly" I put my phone down and intertwined my hands looking at them as I spoke "I don't know, maybe"

"Do you want to sleep with another girl...I won't and can't be mad whatever your answer is."

"Brooke, I did last night I think, but out of hurt, not confusion. I don't want to sleep with girls because I'm confused. I wanted to sleep with a girl because it made sense when we slept together. The whole world made sense. And for once in my life my mind was quiet. I think I just needed that quiet again. I just wanted to experience it one last time."

Brooke rugby tackled my body to the bed and hovered on top of me, tucking her head in my neck. I could feel warm droplets of water running down my skin as she stilled on my body.

"I will never ever forgive myself for hurting you katie. I have thrown away maybe the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I'm so fucking sorry" her tears turned into silent sobs.

My mouth, once again betrays me before my mind works "I forgive you" it's almost a whisper.

Brooke looks up and her tear stained cheeks are a dark shade of Scarlett. I traced my finger tip over her full lips, drawing out her beauty across her face. Once my fingers reached her cheeks I pulled her up so that her face reached my own. I lowered my head and pecked her soft lips.

In that moment, I felt full.

I pulled her up even further trying to deepen the kiss but I felt an opposite force pulling away from me.

"Baby...baby stop a sec" I looked up at Brooke as she rejected me. "Hey! Look at me! I'm not rejecting you!" Brooke said almost as if she could read my thoughts. "I want nothing more than to kiss and make love to you, but I want you to trust me before we sleep together again. I need you to trust that I won't hurt you again"