Lipstick Stains

The Eldest Son

I wasn't very old when we lost Papa.

I remember being woken up in the middle of the night to see my parents' relatives and friends in the living room. My mom was in the center of it all with her bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. My siblings were crying too.

I remember running from them as soon as Mama told me what happened. "No, this can't be happening," I thought. "I'm too young. I can't be the man Papa wants me to be."

Mama held all of us that night. She let us cry while she laid beside us. "It's okay, my love," she whispered in my ear as my body shook with sobs. "Mama's here, you don't have to worry about anything."

Mama was there through it all. She was, is, and will always be.

Looking back now, I still find it amazing how Mama was able to do it. She balanced work with her personal life, juggling her advocacies and taking care of 4 very young kids. Mama's many things all at once.

But above all that, she was our mom.

She never missed any special events in school, she made sure to check our homework and review us for important tests, she made us feel her presence despite her being busy all the time. I helped her as much as I could. Often, I'd be the one to bring my siblings to school.

"Thank you, anak," I remember Mama telling me one night that it was only the two of us in the living room.

"For what, Ma?"

"For helping me. Papa would be so proud of you."

I cried in her arms again that night. Papa would be even prouder of her for being both a mom and a dad to us.

Mama dating again was never an issue to me. Perhaps because she already made it clear that she wanted to date again. "Is it okay with you if Mama goes out with other people from time to time?" She asked.

"Do you mean have a relationship with other people? Like a boyfriend-girlfriend type of thing?"

"Yeah, that. Okay lang ba sa'yo?"

"Yes, Mama. Papa would've wanted that too."

She kissed my forehead and ran her hands through my short hair. "Thank you, anak."

I didn't quite get what she was thanking me for back then. But it was okay with me kasi we lost Papa a little too early. Earlier than any of us ever expected. Life's funny like that.

Through it all, we had good people around us. My titas, titos, other relatives, and Mama's friends. Like Tita Leni.

I saw how she took care of my siblings. She had her own children to care for during the campaign period but she looked out for us too. My younger siblings loved bonding with her children, they were all girls after all. I stood by and watched them interact with a smile on my face. My siblings deserved to enjoy, especially during stressful times like these. I watched Jillian teach Sinta how to paint her nails. Tricia and Aika found common ground with Issa and Ianna about school.

"Okay ka lang ba dyan, Kiko?" Tita Leni asked from beside me.

"Okay lang po ako, Tita." I replied, smiling kindly at her.

"Kumusta ka naman?"

I didn't have other people to bond with during that time. No children of any politician that was my age who went around campaigning with us. But I was okay. I was having fun. All because Tita Leni was the one who bonded with me.

"Wala akong anak na lalaki, so I see you as mine," she joked one time.

The memory of me telling Tita Leni about the band I play for and the things going on at my school was one of the core memories I have with her. Somehow, talking to her is different from talking to Mama. I can't exactly note the difference, but there's something about her that's just so calm and settling. Like you could be a ship trying to stay afloat in raging seas and she comes along and everything becomes peaceful.