Lipstick Stains

I - Sa Hindi Pag-Alala

Risa

Leni and I have fought this year more than we ever did in the 5 years of our relationship. 'Yung stress at pagod naming dalawa started to get the better of us. Of course, hindi mawawala 'yung mga petty arguments and we've had our fair share of them. Pero this year, ang lala ng mga away namin.

Her term ends in a few months with the start of the campaign season. Parehas naming hindi alam kung saan kami tutungo after our terms and I want to talk to her about it.

Do we tell everyone about us once we step down? Aalis ba kami ng Pilipinas? Or do we stay here?

What's in store for us?

I have so many questions na hindi ko alam kung ano'ng sagot because Leni's been so busy that we can't talk about it. 3 months of her term left at halatang sinusulit niya na.

"Hindi ba pwedeng mamaya ka na magbasa ng paperwork at LenRisa time muna?" I asked her from the couch where I was sitting.

She looked up and smiled at me apologetically, "I'm sorry, Pangga. Ang dami ko lang talagang kailangan gawin."

"Magdamag ka na nagtatrabaho. Come here and rest with me."

"Ga, sorry pero sobrang busy ko talaga. I can't rest."

"Palagi ka na lang busy. Kahit sa'kin wala kang oras. Nagtatago na nga tayo, wala ka pang oras sa'kin." I stood up and went to our room.

This isn't the first time in the past 6 months na inuna niya 'yung trabaho kaysa sa'kin. Nagtatanong ako kung pwede kaming magbakasyon ulit, bawal kasi busy. A simple dinner, hindi pwede maraming ginagawa.

6 months ba namang gano'n nang paulit-ulit, sinong hindi mapapagod?

Ang sakit lang kasi hindi na nga namin magawa 'yung mga gusto naming gawin — to go out together and be a normal couple for once, tapos wala pa siyang oras para sa amin.

Needy na kung needy but I'm tired of this. So tired of this.

Nakatayo lang ako, looking out the window. Hindi ako umiiyak. Pagod na rin akong umiyak sa dami ng gabing hindi ko siya makatabing matulog dahil nagtatrabaho pa siya.

"Ga?" She called out, entering our room and sitting on the bed. "I'm sorry..."

"Ang busy mo lately. Kahit ako hindi mo mabigyan ng panahon. No'ng nakaraan ang problema ko, hindi kita makasama sa labas. Ngayon pati sa loob ng bahay natin, hindi na rin kita makasama?"

"Sorry, sobrang dami lang talaga ng kailangang gawin. Hindi ko sinasadya, mahal."

"Sinasarili mo kasi lahat. You have a staff for a reason, Leni. Ano'ng silbi nila kung hindi mo sila pagagalawin?" I was irritated already and my voice rised.

Kita mo sa mukha niyang nainis rin siya sa comment ko. Kung kay Leni ang bato, okay lang. But never her staff.

"Ano bang problema mo? Busy ako, Risa. Trabaho 'yung inaasikaso ko hindi kung ano-ano lang."

"Ano'ng problema ko? Ikaw! God, Leni, is your time too much to ask? Gets ko pa kung kailangan ko pang maghintay nang matagal for us to be out in public pero your time? Kailangan ko na rin bang maghintay nang matagal to spend even just a few hours with you?"

The look on her face softened and she tried to reach out to me but I took a step back. Nangingilid na 'yung luha niya and ny throat dried up. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I'm so tired of this, Leni."

Kitang-kita 'yung panic sa mukha niya as the words left my mouth. "Ris, no. Sorry, I'm sorry, hindi ko sinasadya."

She kept repeating her apology desperately but she was frightened to go near me. It took all of my willpower to not give in. She clasped my wrist but I shrugged it off.

"Enough of this, Leni. I think I have to go."

"Wait, Risa, 'wag. Please, mag-usap tayo."

"Funny. So ngayon may oras ka nang makipag-usap? Sana sinabi mo kanina para nagalit na agad ako at sinabing aalis para nakausap kita nang mas maaga."

"It's not like that, Ga."

"Fucking hell, then what is it like? Ano bang kailangan kong gawin para makakuha ng kahit katiting ng oras mo? 6 months, Leni! 6 months na tayong ganito."

"You know what our work demands of us. Alam mo kung ano'ng pinagdadaanan natin dito."

"Alam mo kung bakit hindi maganda 'yang excuse mo? Because you've always made time for me before. Nagawa mo akong ligawan, nagawa mo akong bisitahin at makipagkita kahit sobrang busy ng schedule mo."

She bowed her head looking guilty. "Ris..."

"What changed, Leni?" I asked, my emotions going haywire but my voice was calmer now.

"Wala. Nothing changed." She answered reaching out to me again only for me to take another step back.

"Is there someone else?" Hindi ko na napigilan 'yung luha ko. The thought of the woman I love with someone else wrecked me. I don't think I can take that.

She looked at me, alarmed. "No! No, of course not. Walang iba."

I scanned her face to see if she was sincere. "Sigurado ka?"

"Siguradong-sigurado. Hindi ko kayang magmahal ng iba."

"If there really is no one then baka iisa lang talaga ang nagbago."

"What? Risa, walang nagbago. I'm still here, we're still here, the same way that we've always been. What changed?"

"Apparently, you."

I took my bag and went out of the room, climbing down the stairs as fast as I could. "Risa." She called from behind me.

Sinundan niya ako pababa and stopped me from opening the door.

"Iiwan mo ba ulit 'yung decision sa'kin? Kung ipaglalaban pa natin 'tong pagmamahal na 'to?" I was trying to keep my voice as stable as I could.

She looked at me intently, her eyes brimming with tears. Niyakap niya ako. Under different circumstances, if this was the first time that this happened, I would've melted in her arms right then and there.

Pero ayoko na. Pagod na ako.

"Kung nasa akin na ulit ang desisyon, then let's end this. Hungon na, Ga."

I forced myself out of her arms and walked out of the door.