Ecstasy

Chapter 10 ; First Time

                                                            ***WARNING ; SEXUAL CONTENT***

I walked into school the next day, a heavy feeling of unease weighing down on my heart, crushing it. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't breathe, I can't fucking do this. I couldn't tell him, it would ruin our friendship. I love what we have already, but I can't help but want more to come out of it. Plus, it's wrong. I can't feel this way for a guy, I just can't. And what if he doesn't like me back? It'll break me. It'll break him. I'll fucking cry myself to sleep every night. I can't risk something so good just cause' I had a feeling. I can't, it's immoral. Guys can't like other guys. But I do. Ddaeng does too. I never knew that Ddaeng was.. gay.. and he even felt comfortable enough to tell me. He was so happy to tell me too, like a weight had been lifted off of his chest. He was so relieved. He's always bragging about the girls he's dated, now I guess now he's in love with a guy. I guess I'm also in love with a guy. Fuck. This isn't what I'm supposed to be feeling.

"Dari, are you okay?" Daichi said to me, noticing my blank expression. We were sitting on the stairs, eating our lunches. I quickly put on my best smile. I didn't realise that I had zoned out.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why do you ask?" I replied. Daichi gave a look of worry, furrowing his eyebrows.

"You haven't spoken in a bit, so I got worried." He bit out of his Bologna and cheese sandwich, studying my face with a pensive expression. I couldn't look into his eyes without my heart skipping a beat. His eyes, like magnificent gray marble, like rain clouds I'd want to lose myself in. His smile was always so warm and welcoming. I know he's only new here, but he damn well left an impression on me. I felt a touch on my shoulder. It was him.

"What's up?" I asked him, my fake smile quickly faltering.

"Let's go somewhere else." He pulled out a can of Pepsi from his backpack, and opened it with a satisfying 'pop' and 'fizz'. Daichi was already standing. I got up from the stairs to stand, wobbling a little, because my leg was still asleep.

"You alright?" He asked me as I clutched onto the wall.

"Yeah, leg's asleep." He smirked, and waited for me to regain feeling in my leg. I tapped it on the ground a couple times, and it felt a little better. He turned back around when I started walking again, continuing his walk. He walked down the hallway, making a turn at the water fountain. I knew this route. This was the route to the bathroom. I'll just wait away from him with my back turned. As we turned into the bathroom, Daichi took a long swig from his soda.

"Do you want me to hold your can?" I asked him.

"Uh, no, that's not what I'm here for. I have something to tell you, and it's important." Daichi started, before taking another sip. He cleared his throat importantly. I slowly walked backwards. Did he know? Of course he couldn't know. He laughed and smiled at me.

"Why do you look so scared?" He asked in that calm tone that I loved. My heart did yet another backflip. It fluttered like butterflies, beating against my ribcage.

"No reason." I said, attempting to regain my composure. He smiled again, and brushed it off. I tried to look as normal as I could. I looked in the mirror that was behind Daichi, and fixed my hair.

"What did you want to tell me, Daichi?" I asked. His smile faded slowly. I raised an eyebrow at him, and he shrugged.

"Can I be real with you? He asked me. I nodded at him.

"Of course, you're my best friend." I replied. Daichi took deep and heavy breaths. He held the top of his Pepsi can, tapping it with his pinky finger anxiously.