Dangerous Liaisons || HyunHo

Chapter 23

Shame Resurrection

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Seungmin was sitting at his desk, twirling his pencil around his fingers, head propped on his other hand, eyes staring into nothing, his books and notebooks open in front of him, untouched. He had written a word, maybe two, before getting distracted, his mind swirling with endless thoughts. The first one being Chan, their current relationship, if he could call it that ; then his work, university, his friends, professors, and then himself. 

He loved Chan, at least some part of him did, maybe a sick, weird part of him, for how could he love someone who hurt him like that? He didn’t truly realise just how much Chan was hurting him, destroying him, reducing him to nothing but an object to satisfy his desire and release his frustration on. What Seungmin thought was that Chan didn’t love him. He liked him, for sure, Chan had said so himself, but love? Seungmin didn’t believe Chan loved him, he couldn’t feel it or see it, and he ended up thinking that maybe Chan wouldn’t ever love him. Did he even respect him? Looking back to that dreadful night where he had given in, thinking that it was maybe the best thing to do because it would help Chan, Seungmin only felt regret burning his heart, and he wished he could go back in time and make a different decision. 

A small sound caused his ears to perk up, snapping out of his thoughts, and his gaze to drop on his notebook : water? Seungmin frowned and sniffled, and only then did he realise that he was crying. When had he started crying? Why was he crying? This was his fault, he only had himself to blame, he should have been stronger and smarter about this, instead of listening to his stupid heart and getting himself into this shitty situation. He brought this upon himself. With rage, Seungmin harshly dried his eyes and wiped his wet cheeks, pulled his sleeve over his hand and wiped the tear drop staining his book. It hurt. His heart. It really hurt. It felt like some kind of stone was crushing it, making it almost hard for him to breathe, as a lump formed in his throat. He wanted to cry, but he wouldn’t. He wasn’t weak… Was he? Ha… 

Seungmin shook his head and dried his eyes once again, frowning in hopes to swallow back his tears, and leaned over his notebooks, trying to focus on his work. He started reading his book, but he somehow couldn’t focus, his mind fuzzy, and his vision suddenly blurry. He suddenly slammed his book close, and went to the bathroom, hoping that a shower would help him relax and focus. He quickly got undressed, throwing his clothes on the floor, went to the shower and turned the water on. He stepped into the shower, took a deep breath and stepped under the water. Almost immediately, he let himself sink to the floor, hugging his legs to his chest, and started crying. He let the tears fall down his face, the warm water of the shower running down his hair and back, until his crying became harsh sobs he couldn’t control. 

He knew his friends were worried about him. He knew Jisung and Hyunjin were worried and had tried to get him to talk, and now, even Minho was worried. Was he that obvious? Did it really show just how miserable he felt? But if it did, why didn’t Chan see it? Why didn’t Chan realise that Seungmin wasn’t happy? Why wasn’t he trying to make him feel better? The sex wasn’t making him happy… Didn’t Chan realise that? Seungmin was happy to help Chan out, make him feel better, but why was sex the only way? Chan could talk, voice his feelings out, and Seungmin would be happy to listen… Maybe Seungmin could try and tell Chan that…? But would he even listen? What if he got upset at Seungmin? No but he couldn’t, who would get upset about someone telling them they were ready to listen to them talk about their worries and feelings?

Seungmin was shaking, his sobs wracking his body, and he tightened his arms around his legs, trying to ground himself and stop the uncontrollable trembling of his body. The water kept running, and Seungmin lost track of time, getting lost in his thoughts and feelings. It was only when he heard a knock on the door, causing him to jolt and quickly stand up, ignoring his sudden dizziness, that he realised he had spent too much time under the water.