Hopelessly Devoted To You

Talk

Author's Note: Well, look at me, posting a new chapter at last <3 I can't promise when the next will be on, but I hate leaving unfinished business and I love writing and all my babies, so yeah.

"I never cheated on you." I said after what felt like ages of staring at the darkness infinity of my room's four walls.

I felt Quinn shuffling on her spot, uncomfortably, but she didn't say a word, so I took it as my cue to keep talking. If I was going to pour my heart out, I'd better get started before I could talk myself out of it and back out, like always.

"The night I left. I hadn't cheated on you, not then, not ever before," I started and took a deep breath that came out as a long, tired, sigh. "I know I probably wasn't the best girlfriend most of the time. I know I was a handful, and I know there were a lot of times where you really struggled to stay with me. But I was really trying. After everything went south with Brittany, I honestly thought I'd never love anyone else. You were there, you know I did love Britt with my whole heart and soul. But then we clicked." a sour chuckle left my lips as I spoke. "That night, Schue's wedding, I felt like I had never ever seen you before. I am aware that probably most of the greatest relationships of all times have just not started with the sex, but that night meant way more to me than I can even put in words. The night I left, yes, I had been at a bar, I was drunk, like out of my mind drunk, and yes, I saw Elaine."

I had to pause for a moment to catch my breath. Letting all this feelings out of my system was proving to be way more difficult than anything else I had done in my life. Well shit.

"I saw Elaine" I repeated. "And she tried to have her way with me, she tried to take advantage of my drunken state. But nothing happened. The only thing that happened that night, was that she kissed me for like two seconds because she caught me completely off-guard, before I pushed her away."

Quinn shuffled again on her seat. I heard how she let out a soft sigh, but she still didn't say anything. And thank God, because I was far from over.

"I would have never, you hear me? Never. I am a million of things, but not that. For God's sake, you know it hurt me like hell every time Noah had a slip with you, or whoever other girl with an ease to open her legs for him, and turns out I wasn't even into guys. Cheating, betraying something that way, is something I really can't stand and would never do. If you really knew me as you say you do, you would know that. You would have thought about that before accusing me over a shitty rumor I don't even know where you got." Uh-oh, time to breathe, Santana. Snixx was about to come to play again.

I had to take a few deep breaths to settle down again. I could feel Quinn getting more and more restless, she was now shuffling her feet over my carpet.

"The funny thing? That is not even the problem" I laughed again ironically, feeling the tears starting to pool in my eyes. I tried to hold them back, but it was to no avail. Slowly they started pouring down across my cheeks.

"The problem is that you never trusted me. That stupid Elaine thing was just the last straw for me. You were convinced I was running around from bed to bed every time I went out of the house alone. You accused me of having flings with Brittany, with the Starbucks' bartender and even with the old mail woman. Damn, Quinn, you even had to check twice on the internet if the answer I gave you to whatever random question you came up with, was actually true or not." By now I was crying full force. "You say you care about me, you say you love me, but that is not enough if you don't trust me. I'm not going to justify in any way what has happened to me for the past five years, but you want to know something? The main reason for all this debacle is that I simply gave up. Rachel and Kurt and Mercedes have been the best friends to me. I know I've hurt them the most for an extremely long time. But I had given up. I was tired. I wanted to be worth of you, but since my hardest efforts hadn't worked, I simply turned around and tried the opposite route. It is stupid, it is childish, it is probably even selfish, but I didn't have any will to live anymore. I was simply existing."

My last words were so engulfed by my violent sobs, that they came out as merely a whisper.

I can't say when, or how it happened, but I was shaken back into reality when I felt Quinn's strong arms hugging me so tight I was about to stop breathing. I tried resisting, but my body had a mind of it's own, and it soon relaxed into Quinn's embrace. It was instantly calming.

"Tana..." she whispered close to my ear in such a soft and small voice that I was about to forgive her everything right there right then.

She hugged me until my breath became normal again, even if I was still crying silently, and she released me only to take a seat next to me, with her back also against the door.

"Santana I...." she sighed. I knew she was struggling. "Yes, you are right. I should have trusted you. But I did have trust issues, you knew it, and pathological jealousy, you also knew it. You wanted trust from me? I really needed patience from you, and not to force yourself into situations that would trigger my demons so easily. I really loved you, more than I have ever loved anyone. I still do"

Well, I had spoken for like fifteen minutes straight and cried for another ten, and Quinnie just summed up everything with three full sentences. She had a point, though, and I had a lot more to apologize for and explain than her. But...yeah, whatever.

Obviously I also noticed there was a deep sadness in her voice. Like that tiredness of her face, that I had noticed at the ER, had taken over her vocal chords. It was heart-shattering.

"I love you too, Q" I blurted out without thinking. "And I am truly sorry for anything I ever did to you".

The next thing I knew, Quinn had grabbed my face delicately by my cheeks and had pulled me into her, kissing me with such a softness and care, it made me weak at the knees.