Hopelessly Devoted To You

Talk. Part 2.

At some point we had moved back to my bed. We were sitting on it, cross-legged, face to face, with the small lamp of my nightstand turned on so we could actually see each other. Again I was fully able to notice how much Quinn had aged. I mean, we were still on our early twenties and she looked at least to be in her thirties. Truthfully, that beautiful, smart brain of hers had always been too mature for her age, too mature for her own good, so she could have easily passed for someone older while she was still a teenager. But life had got a toll on her face. Life meaning me. Don't get me wrong, she still looked beautiful, like a Greek goddess if you ask me, but her skin wasn't glowing anymore, her eyebrows looked like she sported a constant frown, there were even a few very soft, very subtle wrinkles making an early appearance around her eyes. Even her hair looked dry, fragile, almost dead. Did I really do this to her? The guilt was overwhelming. I was starting to realize how fucking selfish I had been, moping about her for five years without a single thought about how she could be feeling. But I had a point, didn't I? She did accuse me of cheating after all, and it hadn't been the first time. I had just had enough. I wasn't that wrong, was I? Yeah, tell me you wouldn't have done the same...

Soon enough she reached forwards with her hands and took my own between them. Or better, she squeezed it in a death grip, like she feared I was going to run away again. I guess she had a point too.

"Santana, I think I need to do some talking too." she said. I simply bit my lower lip and gave her a curt nod of my head. "Will you let me do it without interrupting me?"

Well, I was a bit offended by that, but in all honesty, I might have had a tendency to do that. I was easier for me. Hurt them before they hurt you, wasn't that right? And when I couldn't directly hurt them, I just wouldn't listen. Wow, maybe I was way more damaged than I thought.

"Isn't that what a heart to heart is all about?" ha, couldn't keep snarky Santana at bay, could you? She simply raised her eyebrow, pretty unimpressed with my attitude, so I swallowed hard and cleared my throat. "Sorry, please, go ahead."

"Look, I know I am at fault here too, okay? I've been fighting my ass off for the last five years to come to terms with that. I was easier to throw it all on you at the beginning, and I'm not saying you didn't play your part, but you are not the bad guy. If anything, we both are." She started, and, for once, I simply listened.

"I need you to know that I never, ever, doubted that you loved me. I know you did. I know you do. But it was really hard to believe that you were actually in love with me, Santana." She said, her eyes looked so sad that it broke my heart all over again. I wanted to argue that statement all along because I was so freakishly in love with her that I couldn't almost stand it, but I had said I'd listen to her, so I barely nodded, just as a signal that I was indeed actively listening to her words.

"Come on, I mean, you used to sleep around. You did that before you realized you were gay, which by the way took you long enough; I knew you were into girls since we were 8." We both chuckled. "Anyway, then Brittany came to our lives like a hurricane. Suddenly you were admitting you liked women, then you were admitting you were in love with Britt, then you crumbled when you broke up, and you shattered even more when she started dating Sam, and you slept around a bit more. I was with you through it all. And you know what? Looking at all now, in retrospective, I believe I was in love with you all along." She let out a dry, unemotional laugh, her eyes zoning out at some point behind my head. It felt like she was looking right through me, like she wasn't seeing me anymore.

"I saw you fall so in love with Brittany, and I was honestly happy for you, but I still can feel the pain it caused me, I can still feel it deep in my bones. And I had to fix your broken heart when you left her. I actually have always thought that your break up hurt you more than her. Then Samuel happened, and I had to fix you up, again. I had my own stuff going on with Finn, and Noah, and the miscarriage, and all the crap I poured all over you guys. But having you by my side kept me going. You have always been the engine that keeps my heart running, Santana. I was damaged, it was really hard for me to trust anyone, after what Puckerman did to me, and after seeing you slip right through my fingers, like morning fog, into Brittany's arms, I gave up." Now it was me who was clutching her hand like it was my lifeline. It was probably the first time ever she was opening herself so much to me. I mean, some of the things she had mentioned I already knew, because I might have been in an awesome sweet-lady-kisses bubble, but I wasn't stupid. I knew her miscarriage and what Puck did to her had hurt her real bad. But I can't say it wasn't a surprise to hear that she had already been in love with me by then. How was that even possible?

"And then, we happened. What a plot twist. Not once even in my best dreams I could have imagined having you, even if it was just for one night. We were both pretty hammered and I freaked out, so I played cool, claiming it meant nothing. But yeah, it clearly was not nothing. I was happy. The first time you said you loved me I was beyond happy, but my demons where always there to bug me. And I can't deny it, I always believed you weren't over Brittany. I kind of still believe that you will always be in love with her, that she is your one true love, but life is just so shitty that it'll never allow you to be with her. God, I had to endure your fucking happiness when you found out Britt and Sam were no longer an item. It broke me." This time she looked right into my eyes and all I could do was sigh and move my eyes away.

Would I always be in love with Brittany? I think a part of me would, yes. But I fell in love with Quinn in a way I could have never loved Brittany. I needed to make her understand that, but she looked like she wasn't done yet, so I kept my trap shut.

"And, of course, you kept being your flirty, extrovert, sassy, get-away-with-murder self. That's who you are, and that's the person I love, but my doubts where killing me. Over time you became friends with Brittany again and I saw you regain your peace. A peace I was supposed to be giving you. I had to see you always flirt to get what you wanted, and my doubts became bigger. And the one time I tried talking to you about it, you simply dismissed me. I know accusing you of screwing Britt wasn't the best approach in the matter, but I wasn't thinking clearly." She sighed tiredly.

"Anyway, what I mean is, you say you are sorry for what you did to me, and I accept the apology, but I need you to forgive me too." The pleading in her voice made me tear up again. "Tana, I've been seeing a psychologist for a few years now. I know I didn't do right by you, I know I hurt you too. But please believe me, I am trying to fix myself. The therapy is really helping me."

Now she looked like she was done, and I was at a loss of words. How do you even reply to that? I really, really, wanted to show her that the way I loved her was way stronger and purer than the way I loved my ex girlfriend, but I didn't know how to put that in words, nor I knew how to approach the subject after she had just told me she was seeing a shrink. So I recurred to physical contact.

This time it was me who pulled her into a tight hug, rubbing her back just the way I knew would calm her down. I was aware that this conversation might have been one of the most difficult things she had ever done. She was always really closed off, she'd only let us know what she wanted us to know, even the closest ones to her.

"Quinn..." I said softly in her ear, thankfully catching her attention, and when her eyes caught mine, I whispered "Would you ever consider giving me another chance?"