Hopelessly Devoted To You

Now what?

I had been out the apartment for a few hours, and even if I didn't know where to go, I really didn't want to go back there. All that Rachel told me, despite of it being kind of true, hurt me in a way I wasn't used to. I was really trying to be a better person. We all know that I was an absolute bitch back in high school, but the New York life, the growing up, and the living with two Broadway stars had made me change. Well, not really, really change, I could still be the HBIC everyone knew, but I would never jeopardize any relationship important to me anymore. Especially not after my break up with Quinn five years ago. That was the ultimate light bulb that made me take the reins of my life, even if it wasn't going all as planned.

I had dreams, of course I had them. I had started working with Mercedes, who had become my anchor aside from the Kurtcheltana family (name given by one Rachel Berry, of course), on her new album. I had even gotten to sing a real duet with her, not only the background choirs, and the producers where really interested in me. But then Sam had proposed and everything started going backwards. Still, I dreamt of recording my own album someday, but I had bills to pay, so I started working at the Coyote Ugly club. And no, it was not a strip club per say, but more than less nights could turn out into some dirty show business. Not that I minded too much, I was single and smoking hot, didn't need to give any explanation to anyone, and I learnt fast that when my shirt left my body, I got way better tips.

I had been working there for over three years now and I have to admit I really liked it. Truth to be told, I always had liked the feeling of being desired, and in the Coyote Ugly everyone, boy or girl, desired me. I loved the attention. But today I could only hear Rachel's voice in my head, and it wasn't her calling the club a strip club, it was her young teenager voice, sitting in the choir room back at McKinley High saying: You are the one who is going to end up dancing on a pole for living.

Was that what I was doing? There wasn't exactly a pole at the club but...

And then we had Quinn. All was about Quinn fucking Fabray. Honestly if I had the chance to choose, I'd had never fallen for her. Everyone thought that Brittany and I were endgame and that we would get married and have a lot of children once we stopped going back and forth on our relationship, when we grew up; more specifically, when Britt grew up. That really had taken all the Lima Heights rage out of me, no one understood that Britt was the most caring person of the whole town of Lima, and she was also extremely smart, and beautiful, and sweet...but none of that mattered anymore after I put my eyes on Quinn as if it was the first time I saw her back at Mr Schuester's wedding. Maybe I had checked her out more than once when we were cheerios, but come on, she was the hottest chick in school, everyone swooned after her, even Brittany, and I always thought she only had eyes for me. But something happened six years ago, something simply clicked, and after that Quinn was all that mattered. And still was.

I never got over our break up, not in the terms we did. I loved Quinn with all my heart, but when I heard her calling me a whore...I knew I needed to change, I needed to be a better me, for me, for my friends and for her. There was a reason, a strong one, behind the fact that I never replied to Quinn's messages or calls: I needed to be worthy enough before even trying to talk to her again, not even talking about asking for a second chance.

But yeah, as I said, everything started going backwards. Working at a club like Coyote Ugly and getting drunk and high almost every night wasn't really a way to prove my worth, was it? Quinn was having some kind of affair with Rachel instead of me, after all.

My life was a mess, at least that's how it felt at that very moment, and messy Santana never makes good decisions. Holding back my tears I headed towards the only place where I was welcomed as a costumer almost even more than I was as a worker: the Coyote Ugly.