Freedom -Negan-

Chapter 19

Negan's door closed behind me and I let out a slow breath. That was a step in the right direction that got me closer to getting the hell out of here. I started walking down the hall and tried to remember the maze that was getting back to my room. It was funny. When I was out in the woods alone, I never got lost. I always found my way back, but in this place where every turn looked the same as before, my brain could not grasp the memory of the way back. I wish Peter had waited for me. The kid smiled too much and made small talk, but at least he could get me back to my damn room.

I took a left out of Negan's hallway and saw the stairway that Peter had brought me up. I climbed down the stairs and faced another set of hallways and no memory of which one was correct. I rubbed my forehead with my good hand. Why doesn't this place have signs? Just because it's the apocalypse doesn't mean we don't need signs anymore.

There were a few people walking down the hall. I was tempted to ask them for directions, but the one male in the group had a straggly beard and hair that looked too familiar to someone else, and my brain forced me to move past them without asking. I stood and racked my brain but came up empty. I sighed and walking down a random hallway. I was halfway down when a woman rounded the corner and I recognized her as the woman who had served me and Peter at the dining hall earlier. She had the same scarf around her tied up brown hair. She met my eyes and smiled kindly.

"Hey, you're the new girl, right?" She pointed and walked up to me.

I nodded and smiled. "Yeah, name's Jesse." I bit my lip and forced words from my mouth. "Could you maybe show me how to get to my room? I'm kinda lost." I felt heat rise in my cheeks and I cursed my pride.

She laughed and nodded. "Of course. Don't feel embarrassed." She must have seen my beet red face. "I swear Peter had to be glued to my side my first month. This place can be a damn maze. I'm assuming you're up in the new recruit's sector?"

"Yeah." I eyed her as she began walking in the opposite direction I was coming from. I shook my head and followed her. "Is Peter like the welcome wagon here or something?" I asked referencing her mention of Peter the moment before.

"Or something." She smiled, showing off dimples on her dark-skinned cheeks. "He's the friendliest one. Doesn't scare the newbies off." I scoffed. Friendly, sure, but the kid doesn't know how to read a room. I thought back to his attempt to flirt with me when I first got here this morning. "Which he should be with you now, shouldn't he? Did you sneak away from him?" She whispered the last part.

I laughed. "No. I had a meeting with Negan, and he sent Peter away. Leaving the newbie to her own devices." She turned her head towards me at the mention of Negan and nodded.

"Well, it's not too hard to get to your dorms from here. Just a few turns and we'll be right there." She smiled, but no dimples popped up this time. I studied her from the corner of my eye as we walked. The hallways were dimly light, but I could tell she was gorgeous. The way she tied her chocolate brown hair up in her floral scarf framed her slim face perfectly. She looked younger than me but had the beginning of laugh lines and smile lines around her bright brown eyes, making it hard for me to determine her age. I knew I was attracted to girls from a young age, even before I knew I was attracted to boys. My mind flashed back to my best friend's eleventh birthday party.

...

My mother had agreed to me spending the night as long as none of the boys slept over. During the night, we played games and screamed our heads off like eleven-year-old girls do. To end the night, we played Truth or Dare. There were six of us in a circle, coming up with the most ridiculous dares our young minds could think of on the spot. I had a huge crush on my best friend, Jen, and had tried to build up the courage to tell her I liked her for a long time. Once it was my turn in the game, I picked Jen and, of course, she chose dare. I looked at her in the eyes and dared her to kiss me. All the girls laughed their asses off like it was the most ridiculous thing they had ever heard, but I stared at my best friend to let her know I was serious. Jen shrugged and we stood up and held hands as I placed the smallest peck on her lips. All the girls around us pretended to gag and were disgusted, but my heart swelled, and I thought that I was finally with my soulmate.

The next morning, my mom picked me up and everything was normal until we got home, and she got a call from the mother of one of the girls who had spent the night. My mother hung up the phone and cried as she slapped me. She told me I was vile and disgusting and I was a disappointment to my father. She called Jen's mother and her entire family uprooted their lives and moved to a different town, making sure Jen and I never talked or saw each other again. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. Heartbreak. Self-hatred.

During my senior year of undergrad, after coming to terms with all of my past trauma, I looked her up and started talking to her again. Turns out, she was gay and she citied that kiss at her birthday party that opened her eyes. Turns out, karma was a funny bitch because Jen went to college 2 hours away from me. We met, had a few drinks, and fucked each other's brains out.

I took a photo of us kissing and sent it to my mother.

...

I blinked and we were standing in the hallway where my room was. Fuck, I didn't even pay attention on how to get here. Too busy in my own head again. A hand was placed gently on my left shoulder and my head snapped to meet her eyes.

"You good?" She laughed. "Seemed to have spaced out for a second, there."

I shook my head. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. You just reminded me of someone, sorry. My door is just up here."

"Someone good, I hope." She joked.

"Oh, she was very good." I bit my lip at the memory of Jen. Wonder whatever happened to her. "Thanks for showing me the way. It'll definitely take me a few times to memorize the route." I laughed a little and turned to face her. "You know, I'm an asshole. I never asked for your name."

She smiled. "It's fine. I was waiting to see how long it would take you. My name's Angel."

"You fucking with me?" I laughed. She giggled back and shook her head. "Well, that's fitting because I would have never made it back with you, Angel."

"No problem. I work in the kitchen most evenings, so if you ever need anything, just come find me."

"I will most certainly take you up on that." I smiled.

"Night, Jesse."

"Night, Angel." I watched her walk back down the hall. Yes, I'll definitely have to take her up before I leave this place. I turned to my door and pulled the key from my joggers.

I unlocked the door and turned on the lamp in the right corner. I looked on the dresser to make sure the hoodie was still where I had left it and it was. I closed the door and locked the deadbolt before sitting on the edge of the bed. I shrugged my backpack off of my shoulder and placed it on the bed. I unzipped the main compartment and pulled out my green cargo pants with my name written on the waistband. I held the pants in my hands and remembered Jimmy pulling them down that first day.

My right hand flew up to rub the scar on the back of my head. Calm, Jesse. You got out of that place, you helped those girls, you killed the bad men. You killed Will. Will. A 16-year-old kid. I closed my eyes and squeezed my right palm until pain shot up my arm, bringing me back.

I turned back to my bag and was surprised to pull out my combat boots. I smiled and read my name on the inside tag. Negan made fun of me but look who got her shit back. I placed the boots at the end of my bed and kept digging in the bag and the side pockets. Water bottle, notebook, pen, sharpie. None of the food I had scavenged was in the bag. Negan's men must have taken it. I opened the small compartment at the top of the backpack and pulled out the photo I kept it there, relieved that it had made unscathed. I held it to my chest and pictured my father as I remembered him. Negan would have seen this picture. He was observant enough to notice it was ripped very deliberately, but he didn't mention it earlier. Maybe he had forgotten about it or, most likely, was waiting for the right moment to use it against me and catch me off guard. I sighed and placed the photo back into the small pocket in the backpack.

I saw my small knife in the left side pocket. I grabbed it and flipped it open. I twirled it through the fingers of my left hand and felt the safety it gave me. It wasn't large – I normally kept it in my boot – but it could do damage in the correct hands, my hands. I placed the backpack at the end of the bed with my boots and turned off the light. With no windows, the room was pitch black except for the small sliver of light from the hallway under the door. I stood for a moment before taking my sneakers and joggers off. I left the white t-shirt on and laid in bed with my knife gripped in my left hand. I closed my eyes and drifted off for the second time today.