Freedom -Negan-

Chapter 30

My eyes tried adjusting to the darkness, but there wasn't an ounce of light to see a single thing in this room. I pressed my palms into the floor to feel the hard cement scraping against them. My right hand was still wrapped and if I pressed hard enough, the stinging feeling was barely there to remind me I was in the here and now.

I still couldn't get my breathing under control. The more I tried and failed, the more frustrated I became with myself. I was angry at myself for being weak, for giving in to my emotion and letting them consume me. I felt tears fall down my cheeks, which made me feel even more pathetic than before. I gritted my teeth together to keep my sobs in.

Get your shit together, Jesse.

I fumbled with the wrapping on my right hand, trying to find the end. I needed to focus on something else besides being in a dark room with nothing but my thoughts. I unraveled the bandage and threw it to the side. I slid my fingers along the gash in my palm. I pressed my nails into the healing wound. The pain kept me here, in the now.

...

The light from the opening door stung my eyes. I raised my hand to block the light and looked away. I kept them there until a shadow blocked the light and allowed me to look towards them. My eyes tried to adjust to the silhouette, but I still couldn't make out any features.

"Well, you look shitty." The voice gave away his identity. No one else had the same low rumble as him. Negan. "Did we like sleeping in a cell, Pistol?" I couldn't see it, but I could hear the smirk on his face.

I turned my head to look down at the ground. I could almost laugh at his words. Sleep. As if I had gotten an ounce of sleep. I sat in silence and didn't answer his question, not knowing what to say to him or how to feel. I wanted to yell at him and be angry, but my body and mind didn't want to fight. Negan crouched down, making light shine into my eyes again. I brought my hands back up to block it, but he grabbed them and held my wrists firmly in his hands.

"When are you going to learn to answer me when I ask you a fucking question?" He hissed at me, already getting frustrated.

I stared at him as my eyes tried to adjust to the light. I licked my dry lips and blinked a few times. I took a breath through my nose. "I loved it." I said quietly. A smile came over Negan's face. His grip loosened on my wrists, but he didn't fully let them go. He stood and dragged me up with him. I stumbled trying to get my footing and he looked down at my palms to see the re-opened wound on my right hand.

"God damn, Pistol. Didn't take you for the type that did that hurt yourself kind of shit. We'll have to have a visit with Carson after you decide to come out of the cell." He tried to look at my hand more closely, but I yanked it away.

"What do you mean when I decide? Let me the hell out of here right now." I looked up at him, confused.

He sighed and shook his head. "One night in a cell isn't enough for you to learn your place, Pistol. I have to believe that you'll behave."

"This is bullshit. I promise I won't cause any more trouble. Just let me out." I went to push past Negan, but he held out his arm to block my path. He grabbed my upper arm and pushed me back in front of him.

"I think you need some more time in here to really get a grip of your situation." His hand came up and grabbed my chin. I tried to pull away, but that made him tighten his grip. "Your mouth gets you into trouble. Fix that shit and you'll be out in no time." He smiled at me and turned away, dropping his hand from my face.

"Wait, I'm not-" I was interrupted by the door being shut in my face. My heart dropped as I began to realize what was happening again. God damn it, Jesse. My anger got the best of me and I yelled and pounded at the door again, but it didn't matter. I was in total darkness again.

...

Time was arbitrary in the dark. I had no idea how it passed as I sat there trying to figure out how to get out of this damn cell. I couldn't focus on any of my thoughts for more than a few minutes before it would wander to something else.

I reached up and touched the scar on the back of my head. If I focused on that, I could almost recall the sound of my father's voice. The sound of the wipers across the windshield as snow blinded us on the road. The deer in the road. Total blackness, much like now. For a moment I could see him in front of me. Him and my mother smiling with me in between them. The three of us being together was so long ago that it was hard to remember any actual memories between us rather than the made-up ones I pretended to have.

My mother's voice overwhelmed my head and it was like I could feel her hands on mine. She was whispering in my ear, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. I closed my eyes and tried to figure out what the words were. Still unable to decipher anything, I let out a frustrated sigh.

"I don't know what you're saying, mom. You need to speak up." I heard words coming from my mouth and was confused. Some part of me knew there was no one talking to me. My mother was not here. I knew that, but the other part that had given up to the darkness tried to listen more closely.

"Shh." The voice hushed me. I felt a hand on my cheek and my eyes opened to see my mother's smiling face in front of me. Not the one I remembered, but the one from our family photo. I felt a tear slip down my face and reached out to her.

Light broke through the door. My smile dropped as I stared at the concrete wall. She was gone. My mother was gone and the light proved my other self right: I was going insane. I was completely alone in this room and it was my hand on my cheek, not hers. I pressed my lips together and dropped my hands to the floor.

"Well, Pistol? What do you say?" I knew it was Negan without turning to look. "Need another day or are we going to behave?"

I took another glance around the small closest that had been my cell. It was still just me and I had been talking to myself this entire time. I felt shame and embarrassment burn in my core. Out of all the people I could have hallucinated, it had to be her.

"Don't keep me waiting, Pistol. Got better shit to do here." I clenched my jaw at his mocking tone, but I knew if I said anything other than what he wanted, I would be in here for god knows how long. Play the game, Jess.

"I'll behave." I could barely hear my own words so it wasn't surprising when Negan let out a sigh and grabbed my upper arm, pulling me to my feet. I stumbled to get my footing, but he held onto both of my shoulders to steady me.

"Speak the fuck up. We both know how big that mouth is on you. Put it to good use." He did his signature smirk and looked down at me.

I took a breath through my nose and slowly raised my eyes to meet his. "I'll behave, Negan." A large smile came over his face and he patted me on the shoulder.

"That's the shit I wanna hear!"