The Assassins Heart

Living With The Past

Steve headed straight to Bucky's room determined to make him get up and do something other than wallow. He knew his friend needed time to process but he did it best while on the move and doing something like training.

Knocking on Bucky's door he heard thumping and grumbling.

"Buck time to get up and do something pal" said Steve.

More grumbling from inside the room then a click as the door opened. Bucky's face appeared in the crack of the doorway looking rumpled and sleep deprived.

"Hey Steve what's up?" asked Bucky in a rough voice.

"We are going to train pal so get ready and meet me in the small training room and don't even think of getting back into bed because I'll come back and drag your ass down there. Am I clear" Steve was using his captain's voice.

Bucky looked at Steve through his hair trying to decide how serious Steve was about dragging him out of his room, very serious apparently since he used his Captain America voice. Sighing he nodded at Steve.

"Give me 10 minutes and I'll meet you there ok" said Bucky.

Steve nodded and gave Bucky a pointed look before leaving.

Bucky grabbed training clothes from his wardrobe and pulled them on, sighing he knew Steve would want to talk about the file he had shown him. He hadn't stopped thinking about what was in that file, he had been resolute in finding Kora and apologising but the more he thought about it the more the shame built up. He knew logically that everything he had done as the Winter Soldier had been his body being controlled and not the real man that was the mind behind it but it didn't stop the guilt eating at him.

With a huff he headed to the small training room to meet Steve and to hopefully get some peace of mind.

When he got there Steve was busy setting up punching bags for them both and grabbing tape for their hands. Walking up to his friend with a small smile he grabbed the tape and started winding it around his flesh hand.

"So where do you want to start?" asks Steve.

Bucky tapped at the bag gently a few times until he got his stance and motion right. Glancing at Steve he tried to decide how to begin.

"The girl in the file is who I dream about, I can never see her face or hear her name and it was only once I read the file I knew it was her. I had asked Wanda to help me figure out who she was but obviously I don't need that anymore". His jabs were getting harder now.

"Okay but maybe you should still get Wanda's help with the dreams so you can see what happend" says Steve.

"I know what happened pal, hydra made me use her. Just another way to control the soldier for their gain. And honestly I don't think I could cope with the memories, what I'm imagining is bad enough" he said with a sigh.

Steve's heart was breaking for his best friend, he couldn't do anything to fix it for him, all he could do was listen and offer what little advice he thought might help.

"You know that file said she tried to have a relationship of sorts with you Bucky and because of it you both suffered more but from what I read you both kept trying to have that relationship. She chose to care about you pal, yes hydra forced the situation between you but she still chose you. Again and again. It's almost like she"

Bucky interrupted Steve.
"Don't you dare say she loved me, just don't. Nobody could love this monster that they made me. Nobody!". Bucky's breathing was ragged at the thought.

"I love you Buck, you're my best friend.
To the end of the line". Steve said in a low voice.

"That's different, you knew who I was before everything that happened to me. You knew I was a good man once, all she got to see was the Soldier and the things they made me do" tears filled Bucky's eyes.