Trauma Bond

Chapter Sixteen: Little One

(TW: very brief implied suicidal ideation, as well as mentions of the themes of the previous chapter. Please skip the second half of this chapter if you are sensitive to this sort of content.) 

**For optimal reading experience, listen to the song Little One by Highly Suspect**

Eren's POV

As soon as he left her apartment and sat in his car, he let the tears from his eyes fall freely. He gripped his steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, resting his forehead on the top of the wheel. He stayed there for a moment until he decided he needed a drink. He didn't want to live with the pain, he needed something to numb it even if it was temporary.

He wiped his tears away, willing his face to contort to its usual expression of stoicism. He turned his car on, driving to the closest bar that wasn't his workplace. He didn't want to go anywhere that he had been with you at, he needed to repress those memories. He not only lost the love of his life, but he lost a friend as well. You were the only person that he shared such intimate memories with, it wasn't about the sex, but his mother's grave site and the outlook of the cliff that his mother took him to as a child.

He felt awful for how he treated you in the last few days as well, failing to mention that the day he took you out was the anniversary of his mother's death. He couldn't bring himself to tell you about it and he cursed himself for it. He justified it at the time, telling himself that he didn't want to remind you of your own mother. You were still grieving in your own way, he didn't want to bring up bad memories or guilt for you. 

He pulled into the parking lot of a bar that he used to frequent before he met you. There weren't many cars in the parking lot, which was perfect because he wasn't interested in hanging out in a crowded establishment. He needed some light bar chatter, not hundreds of drunken lunatics screaming around him and especially not drunken women trying to take him home with them. This place was the perfect spot for him to blow off some steam over a drink, or maybe 3 or 4.

He walked in, choosing a seat at the bar that was more secluded. There was music playing, but it wasn't too loud, just loud enough to set an atmosphere. Most of the other patrons were older gentlemen, likely coming here after just leaving work or getting away from their families for some peace and quiet.

Families.

He wanted to build one with you. He had never considered it in the past, the thought scared him. He was content with being alone, but you. You changed his mind. Sure, you may have some trauma that you needed to work past, but so did he. The reason that you both got along so well was because of the trauma. But it wasn't healthy and he knew it, which was why he chose to end things with you. He needed to work on himself and you needed to work on yourself, and he felt that you both couldn't properly heal in the relationship that was built on those traumas. Things were getting toxic for both of you, despite the constant effort to prove that she could have a healthy relationship with someone, something she had never known.

You were worth it all along though. He wouldn't take back meeting you and allowing this relationship to happen, despite the sharp pains in his chest of his heart breaking. He truly loved you, which was why he felt like he needed to let you go.

He ordered a glass of whiskey over ice. He slowly sipped on it at first, then opted to chug the rest of it. He ordered another, then another, then another. He slowly began to lose himself, allowing the alcohol to course through his veins. It didn't help with the intrusive thoughts about you, but it helped to numb his body. He wouldn't allow his composure to falter while he was out in public, that was something he would have to face while he was alone. 

He didn't want to go home, his house and his room reminding himself of you. Your scent probably still lingered in there. He didn't have anywhere else to go though, he didn't have any friends to stay with. He could stay at a hotel, but they got expensive and he wasn't sure how long he would want to stay. He would eventually have to face the inevitable, so he decided that he would just face it head on, no matter how much it would hurt.