Trauma Bond

Chapter Fifteen: When The Party's Over

**For optimal reading experience, listen to the song When The Party's Over by Billie Eilish**

(TW: mentions of suicidal ideation and attempt, please skip this chapter is you are sensitive to this topic.)

You woke up a few hours before your alarm was set to go off for work the next morning. You barely got any sleep and you were exhausted. You didn't have the intention of going into work today anyways, so you waited until it was an appropriate time to text your boss and let them know that you were going to take some paid time off. In the meantime, you continued to stay in bed and just lay there, numb one minute and sobbing the next.

When the clock struck 7am, you texted your boss and they were very understanding and granted your request. You were thankful for that, you were too depressed to even put on a facade, much less actually getting any work done. 

You finally made your way out of bed that afternoon, walking to the kitchen. You pulled out the rest of the bottle of vodka and started sipping on it. You continued sipping on it throughout the day, taking the bottle with you outside whenever you decided to smoke. 

By mid-evening, you were plastered. You haven't gotten this drunk in a long time, but you didn't care. All you thought about was numbing the pain. You didn't consider the fact that alcohol is a depressant, so all of the numb feelings that you were experiencing throughout the day were slowly— then all at once— chipped away to expose your raw emotions.

You thought about all the good times with Eren that you had. When you met him, the concert he took you to, spending time with him at the bar while he was working, all of the dates he took you on. You thought about his muscular figure that you would never touch again, his beautiful green eyes that you would never look into again, his plump lips that you would never kiss again, his chocolate brown hair that you would never run your fingers through again. You felt like you were suffocating as your lungs pushed out air as quickly as they inhaled it. Your heartbeat increased to what felt like a dangerously high rate. You were trembling, sobbing, screaming. The pain was unbearable. You weren't sure how you were supposed to go the rest of your life without him. 

You decided in that moment that you didn't want to live anymore. Your life had always been a series of horrible things happening to you; Your dad leaving your mom to raise you alone, your mom treating you horribly and blaming you for your dad's disappearance, meeting Brad whenever you were finally able to get away from home to go to college, all of the abuse that Brad had put you through, now this. You wished you never met Eren, then you wouldn't be going through this right now.

Your heart had broken into a million pieces and you couldn't see yourself being able to recover from this. You felt like you were already dying, that your body was failing you by the physiological response to the pain. You wanted to put yourself out of your misery before your body could do it for you.

You grabbed a bottle of pills and hesitated, then decided that you were going to take them, but you had something that you needed to do first. You needed to reach out to your friends and say goodbye to them. Your drunken thoughts were swirling around in your brain, you weren't able to rationalize your decisions, which led you to texting Eren first.

(6:04pm) You: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. You didn't deserve any of that, I'm no good for you. I truly hope that you're able to heal from everything and find happiness. I never will. Goodbye Eren, you meant everything to me and I will love you until my last breath.

You hit the send button, knowing that you meticulously worded the text to sound cryptic, he could take it as you attempting at finding closure or a literal goodbye. You set your phone down for a second, allowing your tears and sobs to flow freely, then composed yourself after a moment before you continued the next phone call. Before you could press any buttons, your phone lit up with an incoming call.