My Autobiography

Chapter 13: Metamorphosis

When it came to my childhood, my main symbol was always Shrek. I would always watch it in my room, all day and everyday, and whenever the movie ended, I would climb up to my toy box and press the rewind tape button on my VCR, just so the movie could play again from the very beginning. I was quite the smart kid back in the day.

Now when you think of me, instead of the kid who was defined as Shrek, I now see my symbol as being 'Olivia Pope', or 'music'. I have quite the creative imagination now, and it shows in the way I decide to solve my problems that either are mine naturally, or the problems I have to deal with because I was dragged into other people's stupid drama. I also like to compose instrumental music here and there. It isn't always easy, but as long as you're trying to have some kind of fun with it, then I mean go all in at it. It never hurts to try, especially if it helps you destress.

I also like people to see a butterfly as a symbol of my growth in maturity. Ever since I lost my Mother at the age of thirteen, I had to fight and advocate for myself. My Father never made sure that I was ok, I never had the proper support that I truly needed, especially after such a traumatic loss. Going through very dark roads, lots of these roads where you see people go down and never come back, and yet I went down these roads and then some. It wasn't good at all. I wasn't eating, I refused to talk to others, I practically isolated myself from existence as a whole, yet I finally was able to realize that I wasn't ok and I got the help that I needed, and now I am the man that I am today.

To add to the butterfly concept, I took care of myself and my Mother for many years. My Mother clearly had been battling something within herself because in my eyes, she went from a kind Mother who loved everyone around her, to screaming and breaking things out of rage and trying to harm others because she thought she was always right. I watched her chug an entire bottle of her favorite wine, moscato, in a matter of seconds, blacking out on a couch shortly after right in front of me. I learned so much about adulting and how to take care of myself and another adult figure at the age of eleven years old, and I continued this until I was thirteen when she passed. She constantly sleepwalked, hallucinated, thought I was someone that I wasn't. It went from her adulting and being responsible for everything, to me being responsible for everything. I cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I cleaned the house head to toe while my Mother would have an episode of mental insanity. I tucked her into bed like she was a five year old. I administered her medications to her, dosing it out myself and watching her take her medicine. I stood outside her bedroom for five to ten minutes until she snored, so I knew that she was asleep. I would do all the cooking, cleaning, and everything else during the night while she was sleeping. By the time she woke up, I'd help her get dressed and give her breakfast, then she'd be out in the world with a friend to work, and that is when I would be able to get only four to six hours of sleep. I've dealt with her hitting me, punching me, every kick and slap, every nasty verbal saying you could think of. She did all this because so frequently she would think I was someone that she had hated, a part of her hallucinations. Instead of doing anything, I'd simply dodge or block her hits as much as I could, but would still get badly hurt, then calm her down and continue everything else mentioned above. This helped me become the mature man I am today, and a butterfly represents this in the best way possible.