Lost and Found

Chapter 34 | Find yourself

Julia wiggles her legs, staring at the weird painting on the wall. Nope, she still has no idea what it should be.

"It's good to see the colour back in your face," Jada says. The only colour on her face is the dark bags under her eyes, though. "Do you want to talk about what happened last Saturday?"

Julia shakes her head, not meeting Jada's eyes. "Not really." Her stomach twists, and she can't keep her legs still.

"It was some heavy news. Some hard information to learn, don't you think?"

"My life is kind of difficult. So nothing new," Julia says, fighting the urge to run.

"What made it difficult?"

Julia's lower lip trembles. What didn't make her life difficult?

She wasn't able to do things she could do before. Or the things she wanted to do. Julia didn't know if she would get better or if sleeping for most of the day would become the new normal. Sleeping was the new normal for some time.

"You know what hurts the most? That everyone lives their lives either not caring or not knowing." Tears sting in Julia's eyes. "How everyone moves on. They're all living their lives to the fullest while I have to stand still." She clenches her hands together. "And when I try to live too, something gets in the way..." Their date was perfect, but the whole day had to be ruined.

"Do you want people to know how hard it's been for you?"

Julia shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know." What would she even tell them?

"Can you tell me what has made your life so hard?"

"No... no, I can't." Julia doesn't want to think about it. To feel it all again. "I don't know how it all happened." It all just—happened. It doesn't make sense. None of what happened is logical. A tear rolls down her face.

"May I give it a try? See if we can figure out what has happened?" Jada says, handing Julia a box of tissues. Julia nods her head. "You've been holding on for so long, keeping your true feelings at bay. It's like trying to keep water in one place, and water keeps being added and added. When you don't address it, at one point, the dam breaks, and the water overflows." Jade pauses, letting Julia process her words.

Julia shifts in her seat, trying to swallow the lump in her throat as her chest tightens.

"Your feelings are overflowing. You've been through something traumatic. Getting chronically ill makes you give things up in your life. To adjust even if you didn't want to. You need to grieve your old life in order to move on to your new life. You need to acknowledge the insecurities and fear it brought about by not knowing if you got better or because of friends leaving you behind. And on top of all that the adults you trusted didn't tell you something important. These situations leave trauma. Especially at your age. But we can work on that."

"How?" Tears stream down Julia's face, and she gives up fighting them.

"I would suggest talking first, speaking your fears out loud. Acknowledging what has happened, so one day you'll be able to say you got ill; it wasn't fair, and you didn't like the choices and changes you had to make. Or the changes that were made for you."

Julia doesn't know what to say. Acknowledgement? She isn't ready. Her hands turn white, clutching each other. "Sounds like a lot of work."

"It can be, but it can be relieving."

"But I don't have enough energy to do everything. I don't know how–" Julia's voice breaks off.

"You can't hold up everything forever. Something is going to give."

What's she going to do? Leave her friend? Not going to school, like today? And what about Mason? Doesn't he deserve her attention? He has expectations. "People expect things... I can't just drop everything. It's selfish."

"Julia, it isn't selfish to care about yourself. To take care of your health."

She doesn't want to make choices like this. Her health, friends, Mason, or school. Others don't have to make choices like this. "Why does life have to be this hard?" A sob breaks her voice.

"We all get dealt different cards. Have our own struggles. But what we do with it defines us," Jada says.

"I just don't want everything to be real."

"But it is, Julia. It is real."

Julia shakes her head. Why does it have to be? "I feel so lost all the time." Julia's hand trembles as much as her breath does.

"Then let me help you find yourself again."

A shaking breath escapes her. "I really have to make choices here, don't I?"

Denying everything won't work anymore–if it gives her panic attacks or makes her go back to the dark days when she couldn't do anything.

"You don't have to make them all right now. "

But what is she going to do? Finding herself? Julia doesn't know if she's strong enough to do it. It's much easier to let others lead her back to the right path.

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Prioritizing can be difficult when you have to choose between important things influencing your life and future. Health, friends, or school? Looking back, I chose the wrong thing when I was in high school.

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