Home (HE/HIM VERSION)

19

"If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you bring Natasha back?"

Wanda had managed to talk y/n down and out of her defensive state, both sitting side-by-side in the silent church. It was almost a complete reflection of Bucky's funeral, except this time Wanda was by his side.

Y/n didn't know how to process any of it. He'd pushed back the grief for so long, refusing to accept the fact that Bucky was dead, and he still didn't want to let go. He couldn't. It was like there was a concrete wall in his mind, desperately trying to cling to whatever was left of his shattered heart.

He didn't talk for a long time, simply staring at the front of the church as if Bucky's coffin was still there. His elbows rested on her knees, completely hunched over and the furthest from graceful - which was something y/n never had been, but gracefulness and the art of being 'poised' was something that had constantly been portrayed in sitcoms. It was just another part of Jack, yet it was still an eerie sight to see him so dishevelled in a such a nice yellow vest.

No matter how hard he tried to merge them together, y/n and Jack would always be polar opposites.

He took a sharp breath at the mention of Natasha, shaking his head a little as he replied with a broken shrug. "I don't know." Y/n murmured, his voice hushed and heavy. Every syllable was enunciated with a sort of bitterness that one could only feel after a loss of a loved one. A sort of bitterness that made it clear that the tears brimming in his eyes weren't going to stop any time soon. "I think I tried at one point, but-"

A sad smile appeared on y/n's face, sniffling as he refused to make eye contact with the woman beside him. His chin rested on his hands, lips desperately trying to form the words that were at the tip of his tongue. "I guess I just knew that I'd have to let go at some point, and I couldn't handle losing two people again." Y/n admitted, wiping his tears with the backs of his hands before resuming their position on his chin. "And I knew that she'd figure out that something was wrong. She was smart, really smart, and I knew she'd figure it all out and convince me to let go. But I'm not ready."

Wanda nodded along as she listened to y/n, watching him with sympathetic eyes. All she wanted to do was hold y/n in a hug, but she knew that the man didn't want that. People grieved in different ways, and from what Wanda remembered from Bucky's death, y/n didn't want to be touched or held by anyone, anyone except Bucky. There was no point in trying to be a placeholder. Wanda knew all too well that there'd never be anyone that could replicate the feeling of being held by her parents, by Pietro, or by Vision. She just had to let y/n come to her, if that was what he wanted.

The fact that y/n didn't bring Natasha back because he knew she'd figure it out didn't surprise Wanda, it was a bittersweet thing to think about. Of course Natasha would've figured it out. Hell, if Natasha was still alive, this would've never happened. Y/n knew that. He knew it was wrong. But the desperation of keeping Bucky was far stronger than his moral compass. "If you didn't want anyone to figure it out, then why didn't you use your mind control on Bucky?"

Y/n wasn't upset that Wanda was asking so many questions, he would've been curious too if it was the other way around, but god, Wanda knew exactly what questions to ask. They all struck a nerve that y/n had been ignoring, and they all somehow had clear answers in his mind.

He shifted slightly on the church pew, biting down on his bottom lip as he could feel the need to completely crumble beginning to build. He was scared to crumble because he didn't know how his control over Westview would react, yet it was so, so tempting. "I-" Y/n paused, letting out a heavy breath as he leant back against the church pew. Just the thought of it caused the pain to begin to rise in his throat, burning his nostrils. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out except a sharp breath.

Y/n was like that for a while, struggling to get the words out without crumbling, but he knew he wanted to say it. Wanda even offered for him not to answer the question, but he refused. It was something he'd never said out loud before, and maybe getting it off of his chest would make him feel better.

Y/n moved so that he was leant against the church pew, a broken smile wavering as his hands fell down to rest on his lap. "I promised myself that I'd never do anything to Bucky's mind. I'd never read it, I'd never warp it, and I'd never control it." He admitted with a slow nod. He was the only person he'd ever sworn to never do it to. The only person. "Mind control is invasive, it's like there's another person in your brain, and you've been forced to take a backseat. Bucky had been through that before with Hydra. He was violated and stripped of any control or personal belongings for centuries. I'm-" Y/n paused, picking at his nails anxiously. He hated talking about him in the past tense. "I was never going to do that again to him. Even reading his mind felt like too much. It was an invasion of his privacy, which was something he'd only just gotten back. Using mind control on him here was never an option. Never."

Y/n was completely serious. Bucky loved him and trusted him. Controlling his mind would've been one of the strongest betrayals in y/n's mind. It wasn't fair. He deserved to have privacy after being Hydra's puppet for so long. Reaching into his mind wasn't fair.

"And if that meant risking him finding out, then that was the risk I had to take. Lying to him makes me feel sick, but when he begged me to tell him the truth about Westview, I couldn't do it. And now I have until sunrise to make amends with him-" Y/n paused, closing his eyes to try and still the emotions building inside him. "I just- I can't do it."