Star Beings: Dawn

Warmth, shade, and life

TW: Self harm mention, racism (Hade's parents suck)

The first day of travel was calm. Hade and I managed to avoid each other... that is, until it was time for bed and I found that Hade, Leigh and I were all stuck in the same two bed cabin. Leigh and I agreed we would share again, much to Hade's amusement. I very promptly told them to fuck off
"Oh, come on Ani!" "Don't call me that." "Whatever, Ani."
Hade stands, grabs their pack of cigarettes, and leaves to go on deck and smoke while I sit there, seething.
I get up, and Leigh grabs my arm.
"Don't," she mouths.
"Leigh, if I keep letting them pull shit like this this entire trip is going to be hell. I'm not going to get violent, I just need a word with them."
My friend sighs and lets me go. I flash a thankful grin and then I chase after Hade, dead set on finally getting through to them.
When I climb on deck, they're leaning on the railing, staring out at the sea. Walking up beside them, my expression is one of stony determination. They don't even acknowledge me.
"Hade listen, I know I did something unforgivable and I don't expect any sort of acceptance on your end. However, we need to learn to get along if we want to make it through this little road trip unscathed."
Hade says nothing. They just blink slowly and avoid looking at me, uninterested in my presence. I glance at their arm, the one that's still flesh and bone, and I notice something. Something I hadn't noticed before, maybe because of the star shaped brand they had on their wrist for whatever reason. They have a few thin, faded scars that, if I didn't know better, I would think were self inflicted.
The problem is, I don't know better.
I look at Hade again, and notice how their hand shakes. How their eyes seem watery and even a bit red. How they won't even look at me.
Something is very, very wrong.

"Hade?"
"Fuck off, Ani." They finally say, their voice cracking when they say my name.
I don't try to touch them, that's likely to get a finger bitten off. I just stare at them as I slowly connect the dots. The scars on their arms look old. But, I've never seen them wear shorts. They've never worn anything that showed their thighs in public. In fact, the only people who may have seen them wear anything like that would be their roommates, who desperately want them to quit smoking.
"Maxine and Gabe don't want you to quit smoking just because they're worried about lung cancer, do they?"
Hade avoids my eyes, their hand still shaking.
"Hade. Hade, please just... listen, I understand more than you think I might."
"Maxine figured it out when she noticed that one of my pairs of jeans had multiple holes burned through them," they blurt out.
Honesty.
That's a new one.
"She ran into my room and looked at me with something that wasn't quite betrayal or disappointment, but it was something along those lines. She was... angry. Wanted to know why, why I would do that. I couldn't give her an answer, but I told her I'd quit. She said that quitting wasn't enough, that I'd have to give up my method as well. I started buying packs in secret, and for about three months I was clean.... Then I started back again. This time I was more careful, I started putting them out on my hands instead of my thighs and then healing any wounds shortly after. It gave me control. If I'm being honest, I rarely feel like I have that. I've just been... adrift. Floating in a sea of chaos and somewhere along the way I decided I may as well revel in it. But..."
Their voice breaks, and their head droops. I can hear them crying. Never thought I'd hear, much less see that. However, I don't like it. I don't like that they're crying, and I don't like that they're doing this to themselves.
Eventually, they let out a garbled, watery laugh, flicking their dying cig over the side of the ship and into the ocean below.
"I mean, there was a way I figured out how much putting out a cigarette on someone actually hurt."
"Hade, this isn't funny. You... you shouldn't be doing this. It isn't healthy-"
"You think I don't fucking know that???"
They have the look of a wounded animal. They look scared, hurt, and confused. I want to grab them, to give them a hug or some sort of comfort but I'm fairly sure I'd get slapped.
"Hade. Look at me." They try to avoid my eyes, and all of my care about getting bitten or smacked goes out the window as I grab their face and force them to make eye contact. "I know what it's like. I had to be physically restrained by multiple people in order to not incapacitate myself. But this... I know you use the smoking as a coping mechanism, but putting the cigarettes out on your hand or on your legs just to feel in control isn't the way to go about things."
Hade stares at me and, for the first time since I was 16, it isn't with hatred. They crumble to their knees, and I sit down beside them.
"I started because I needed control, and because I felt that I could cut away the part of me I hated. I hated who... what... I was. Then that hate shifted. I still hated myself, yes, but I hated my parents too. When I set that damned house on fire..."
They ball up their fists.
"I wanted to kill them, Anai. I even told all of the house staff to go outside, so the only casualties would be my dear ol' mom and pop. I don't think they ever even liked me, really. When I was a kid, they said I was the unwanted child of "some Asian bitch who had a rough night with a white man." Their words, not mine. Which isn't even true, my birth parents were like 16 when they had me, and they're married now. They just didn't have the resources. Yet my British asshole parents decided to lie and make me feel like shit."
Hade leans against the side of the ship, squeezing their eyes shut.
"I wanted them gone that day. I spent my whole life pleasing them, doing whatever they wanted. I learned Spanish, and French, and Mandarin. I made good grades, kept my hair long, learned Piano, always acted like this bubbly, extroverted, perfect little girl and for what? I hated myself. I wanted to die, and fell in love with the control that the pain gave me. I hope if I ever get back to earth I find out they're six feet under, because if they aren't I may just put them there."
"Do you want a hug or will you beat the shit out of me if I touch you?"
Hade answers my question by burying their face in my chest. I stiffen, caught off guard by the sudden physical contact.
After a few moments, Hade pushes away from me. They refuse to meet my eyes.
"Thank you," they eventually say, "Now what?"
"Now, you go to bed and we'll wake up in the morning and go back to hating each other."
"And if I don't want that?"
I'm taken aback at the thought of Hade being ready to move on. I didn't think we had gotten that far.
"Then we can start trying to be friends. Or at the very least acquaintances."
Hade nods.
"I'd like that."
I stand, then I help them to their feet. The two of us hobble downstairs, Hade practically falling into bed the moment we enter our cabin. Leigh looks at me confused.
I only shrug, just as unsure of what just happened. I crawl into bed as well, pulling the blanket over my eyes. Soon enough, exhaustion takes over and I all but pass out.