A Turn For The Worse... Victuuri Fanfic

I failed...

I hang up the phone without waiting for Phichit to respond.

Too many times have I depended on others to help me get through my worst moments and it doesn't feel fair to continue do that to the people I love. Phichit has probably already told Coach Celestino and Celestino has probably already called Viktor.

Viktor... A wave of shame and guilt hits me as the tears increase. My body shakes as I sob. I promised Viktor I would prove my love by winning gold and I failed. Not only once but twice. How am I supposed to prove to Viktor I'm worthy of him when I failed so many times?

I get up off the bathroom floor and climb into the tub. The water is already running cold from the shower head and stings as it makes contact with my exposed skin. Everything blurs and fades until the only thing I'm aware of is my shaky breathing.

I'm a failure. To myself, my parents, Viktor and all my closest friends. Nothing that I've ever done has worked. I'm an absolute failure.

There's no point in trying anymore. 

The brown medicine bottles I had lined up on the edge of the bathtub come into view along with the wide bottle of liquor. A bottle that I had brought here from Japan when I officially moved to Russia. It was supposed to be saved for when I did win gold but I don't think that day would ever come. Especially not after tonight.

My choice had been made weeks ago even as I struggled to fight these invasive thoughts. I tried to ask my family to come here so we could spend some time together but I'm not strong enough to stay any longer.

I chug more than half the bottle of liquor before I choke on the sting of the alcohol. My entire body shakes as I cough and spit into the drain. When I finally catch my breath, I can feel the warmth of the alcohol spread down my throat, into my stomach then up again into my chest. I feel my body relax as I lean back against the wall of the tub, the cold water still rushing over me.

The seconds pass into minutes and I finally look over at the newly empty bottles of medicine scattered on the bathroom floor. A new type of despair washes over me as sudden sobs shudder through my body and soul. It feels as if I'm mourning every single thing that I love all in one moment when I finally realize that this is it.

As soon as the sobbing started, it seems like they're cut short by a sudden numbness that spreads throughout my entire body. My eyelids flutter close and I feel the back of my head connect with the edge of the tub but it doesn't hurt. I try to sit back up as my body slides further into the tub, my chin resting against my chest, but find myself paralyzed. No matter how hard I try, I just can't move.

I give up after a second of trying and just let myself succumb to the effects of what I've done. In my last conscious moment I feel regret over not being able to tell the people I care about how much I love them. That my choice does not reflect the amount of care they have for me. Without them I wouldn't have survived for this long but I didn't ever plan on being here for long.

Viktor... Mari... Dad... Mom... I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you like this but it all just hurts so much... 

I love you.