A silent cry

23 NEW MARYAM

3 years later

I visited Maryam and watched as her daughter Marwa ran to Jabil giving him a tight squeeze until his face almost turned blue. Jabil was a year older than Marwa but he was like a plain cup of tea while Marwa was like a cup of tea packed with sugar. He ran away from her while she ran after him "jaba" "jaba" she called him. Maryam and I laughed on the sofa because it reminded us of when she used to call me hab hab. Maryam smiled more now, and if I could take all the stars and compare their light with her smile, her smile would outweigh them. May Allah brighten her future like the moon brightens the dark sky.

Maryam lived with her mother and father-in-law, her husband's sisters had both gotten married and her husband's brother was married too. His wife was a tiny woman but she could do about anything. Maryam and her got along very well. Even her new mother-in-law seemed to adore her. Maryam looked as if she had finally found the family she deserved. They both made a heavy dinner even though I told Maryam not to make too much. I'm glad she didn't listen to me for the first time I ate with an actual appetite I had been forcing myself to eat for the past years only so I can take care of Jabil. Otherwise, I lost my appetite being caged in that house.

"eat up, look at how much weight you've lost tell me the secret. look I'm the hab hab now" I laughed at this. I guess this was the positive part of being pushed around to do chores all the time. Marwa tries to feed Jabil even though she's tinier, "eat dis, my favowate" she says pushing a handful of Allah knows what in his mouth. she squashed it in her little palm that I can't even make out what it actually is.

"la Marwa bas" (no Marwa enough) Maryam grabs her tiny arm, and Jabil spits the food onto the sofra "eww," he says grimacing. He would scrunch his tiny round nose in disgust. Moments like these made the pain with my aunt disperse. Maryam and I remained best friends and kept visiting each other often. I took a liking to Maryam's mother-in-law Farrah. She treated Jabil like he was her grandson.

I still felt a little embarrassed so I didn't visit her much but I still visited her in hopes that she wouldn't visit me. I didn't want her to see me humiliated. I hadn't visited her until I was sure the burn on my hand wasn't as visible but even then when I went to her house and shook her hand she examined it. I lied to her that I had burned myself with tea but she was still suspicious. She was so happy I didn't want to take that happiness away from her.

we started washing the dishes while Marwa chased Jabil around. Farrah watched over them sitting on the sofa.

"I found out more about the troops that returned from the war" I tried to hold back my excitement. I wasn't able to get any news on them so I asked her to ask the woman she knows and her husband.

"They were divided into 3 separate groups, each group was assigned to attack the enemy from a different path by splitting into 50 men each.  Abbas and his men were the third group and they went west. The two other groups went north and the other East. they were ordered to return if they complete the task of annihilating the enemy which they succeeded. The first group had returned bearing 22 men. a while later the second group returned with 31 men. Abbas's group was expected to return not too long after but no one heard anything from them. bear patience Hadiya. inshallah khair"

"how am I supposed to bear patience when one group came back with only 22 men left?"

".." Maryam continued washing the dishes while I dried them next to her. I couldn't hold myself back. "How could the other men just return like that what a bunch of cowards! how could they leave the third group behind? it's not fair. it's cruel and such a cowardly move. Why couldn't Abbas be in these groups? It's NOT FAIR damn it." I dried one plate and smashed it into the other one unconsciously.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"
"WHAT HAPPENED?" Farrah asked yelling from across the living room
"Nothing I just broke a plate" Maryam tried to cover up for me
"No it's me I'm sorry," I said louder
"Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine sorry"
"It's alright just close the kitchen door so the kids don't go in and get hurt"
"Okay"

"Hadiya, I can't say I understand what you're going through and I can't tell you to calm down either. you should let it out rather than store it in but just don't lose hope is all I can say."

I picked up the shreds of glass and threw them out. I didn't want to stay any longer I felt like my bad mood would just ruin the day for Maryam. "can't you stay for a little longer, Marwa, and I really love your company. look at how happy she is. I looked over at Marwa who wouldn't let go of Jabil as he tried to wriggle himself out of her tight hug. I couldn't even force a smile though. I can hardly control myself and I didn't want to hurt Maryam with my anger.

"I'm sorry, I really have to go I'm already late enough. I'll see you again soon inshallah"

"inshallah, maslama," she said. she wrapped her arms around me and I can't describe how much love and comfort I felt in her hug. it was like a bunch of soft clouds enveloping me. I can't say the same for Jabil he looked like he was suffocating. he pushed Marwa away and ran out. I kissed Farrah on the head and left.

When I went home my aunt was already badmouthing me to all her guests. "She's good for nothing I tell you, the only thing she does is go over to people's houses and lazy around. I'm left doing all the work." A part of me wanted to shut her down and tell everyone that it wasn't true but then a part of me was scared. I realize now why I'm scared, I'm afraid she would do to me as she did to my mother. kill me. Another part of me thought will they even listen to me?. who would believe me? I kept my mouth shut and talked to Jabil as I brought him inside. "Look here mama, why don't you go and try to memorize the verses of the fatha that I taught u" he nods and leaves. I knew I would have to chase him later and recite them to him, he was probably going to play.

when the guests left my aunt sat on the sofa and stopped cleaning. she yelled at me to go and clean. I started cleaning while listening to her tell me how useless I am. How ugly, too skinny, and mocking my red curls to represent the devil that I am. yes, that's right my red hair was a symbol of how devilish, evil, and low I was. I was the lowest of the low, I don't deserve to live. I couldn't stand being with her in the same room. it felt like the walls were closing in on me and her words were like a rope wrapped around my neck slowly tightening and suffocating me.

"I bet your husband didn't want to return, so he wouldn't have to look at that disgusting face," she said. this flamed my heart the most because evidently I couldn't disguise my worry and she took pleasure in anything that hurt me.

I ignored her and continued my work. Afterward, I put Jabil to sleep reciting al Fataha over and over until he drifted to sleep. I got on the prayer mat and took heavy breaths. I was nervous because after all this time of waiting the devil would reach out to me and whisper, he's dead and you're here, how much longer will you wait, how much longer would you deny the truth, and at some point, I was afraid that he would unlock my ribcage and send these words to my heart." ya Allah you have been very kind to me and I'm very grateful but please ya Allah don't deprive me of the one I love. please protect him and bring him back to me safely. I entrust him to you Allah and I know no one can protect him the way you will. ya, Allah give me the strength to answer Jabils questions with solitary and wisdom. I looked over at Jabil on the bed and covered him with the blanket. I ran my palm over his head reciting the athkar on him and pulling him closer in my arms. His presence made me believe that I'm not as impotent and purposeless as my aunt claims I am. even if maybe I didn't deserve to live, my son deserved to have a mother and I will fight for him.

***

I finished cleaning the rooms upstairs and was heading down the stairs when I overheard my aunt talking to Jabil. "you're dad died"I froze in my spot.

"my mama said baba can't die."