The Complete Works of Lady Oakenshield's Adventures

Chapter 2 -- The Game

As Lady Oakenshield sat at her dressing table she thought she heard the scrape of granite on marble. "Psst, Lady Oakenshield, I need a favor..." "Really, and what favor would that be?" came the question from the bed as Thorin sat up and propped another pillow behind his head. Frerin froze as his head stuck out from between two vases on the mantle. "You look like a trophy stag, my brother. Maybe I'll have the gamekeeper mount your head there. Would you like that, my heartbeat?" Lady Oakenshield giggled. "Not so much, my life's blood. It would be just another thing my chamber maid would have to dust. Besides, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer." Thorin sniggered loudly. "She might just be over you, my princely look-alike. Now, wiggle down here like the snake that you are and tell us what we can do for you and Grendel." Frerin had no choice but to comply. He backed out of the hole and came through the door from Thorin's chambers. "When did you start sleeping in here?" Frerin looked at Thorin. "Who said we were sleeping, as if it were any of your concern?" Frerin had the decency to blush. "Sorry, suffer a fool." "I've been putting up with your foolishness since you were eight. And your favor?" "It's Grendel. It seems she's a wee bit possessive of yours truly." "As it should be. She is after all, your mate. Or had you forgotten that small detail?" "No, I've been the almost perfect mate. However, it's the almost, that's gotten me in the proverbial stew pot. It seems I may have accidentally mentioned playing Hunter and Fawn. I told her she should ask Lady Oakenshield how to play it, since I only knew how to be the Fawn and Lady Oakenshield knew how to be both." "You what? Do you have a death wish? And what about me? Do you know what she's likely to do me if she ever finds me alone?" Lady Oakenshield looked from Frerin to Thorin. "Kill him. Kill him now. Beat him to death, I will hold him." Thorin's eyes sparkled. He started to get out of bed, realized he was, well not exactly ready to do battle with his brother, and asked Lady Oakenshield to toss him his dressing gown. "And you expect the center of my soul to do what, exactly, besides learn to use a battleaxe to defend herself?" Thorin pulled a chair next to Lady Oakenshield, his hand seeking out hers, bringing it to his lips and kissing her palm softly. Frerin turned away, suddenly embarrassed at the intimacy of that simple act of love. "I don't know what I expect her to do now that I am here. I was looking for a place to hide from Grendel's wrath, and this is the first place I thought of." "We need to get something straight from this day forward, my young buck. My chambers are no longer the place you think of when you need a place to hide from your mate. They are no longer on the list of places you think of to hide at any time. This room is off limits, from this time forth. Have I made myself abundantly clear?" Lady Oakenshield's eyes flashed. "I said, "Is that clear?" "I believe my mate has asked you a question, brother. Do I need to shake the answer out of you?" Frerin slowly turned around, his chin on his chest. He tried to look at Lady Oakenshield through his upper lashes as he had seen Thorin do. That spellbinding look that could melt hearts from here to the Shire. She looked at him and collapsed into Thorin's lap hysterical. "What in Durin's name is that look?" she gasped. "Are you trying to dazzle me?" She laughed again. "Never happen, Frerin. It takes more than the Durin blue eyes to make me swoon. You're just not of Thorin's caliber, however handsome you are." "And am I handsome?" Frerin's eyes sparkled. "You know you are," Thorin and Lady Oakenshield remarked almost at the same time. "That's what's gotten you into trouble," expressed Thorin, "and out of trouble at almost exactly the same moment," preached Lady Oakenshield. "Now about getting you back in Grendel's good graces. Why in Valor's name would you mention playing Hunter and Fawn to Grendel? You shouldn't have even known about that game, except that you were somewhere you shouldn't have been, pretending to be someone else, at a time when you should have been anywhere else except in Dale. Have I covered it all?" "Pretty much, except for the part where she's threatened to throw me into the bowels of Mordor if she catches me anywhere near another female of the non-animal species again." Thorin almost fell out of his chair with amusement. "See my kindred soul, I told you Grendel was the perfect mate. Okay, we have to come up with a benign game of Hunter and Fawn that doesn't involve chasing each other through the forest and ultimately getting unclothed and well, lucky for both of you it didn't proceed any further than a hug or two, didn't culminate in, oh never mind." Thorin gritted his teeth. "Let's just say, it's going to be hard for me to change the rules of a game that was meant just for Lady Oakenshield and myself. I'll never be able to play the game again." "We'll make up a new game, my kingly playmate, a better game, I promise." "Really? What kind of game? Will there be kissing? Touching, lots of touching?" "Um, Thorin, your brother is here." "Get out, Frerin. Come back tomorrow." "What about my problem?" "That's it isn't it? It's your problem. Now get out before I throw you head first out the window." "Lady Oakenshield?" "Get out Frerin, before I hold the curtain open so Thorin can throw you out the window." "Where will I go? What will I do?" "Go find Nori or Bofur. They'll help you get into trouble somewhere around the mountain, without going into Dale. Then back to your room and stay there tonight. Come back and see us tomorrow, we'll figure something out then, but not too early. We sleep late nowadays." Frerin looked at the window, then at the door. "Well, I guess the door is the better choice of exits," he smirked. He closed the door behind him just a bit harder than was necessary. "Now let's try out your new game, my pretty enchantress," Thorin's eyes twinkled as he picked up Lady Oakenshield and carried her back to the rumpled sheets of their private harbor. Thorin thought the mountain was coming down around them the next morning as the banging on the chamber door shook the breakfast table. "What in an Warg's mane's is going on?" He grabbed his dressing gown from a heap on the floor by the bed and struggled to find the sleeves. "I'm coming you spawn of an Orc. This better be important. I've killed people for less." He jumped back just as the door came crashing down. "Where's that useless piece of Goblin dung, I call a mate?" Grendel stepped over the broken door and looked around the room. "If he's here, I'll kill him, then I'll use his bones to kill you Lady Oakenshield!" Thorin stepped in front of her, Orcrist aimed at her heart. "I'm sorry I believe this is my mate you are threatening. Would you care to rephrase any of the venomous sentences you spit out prior to forgetting to saying "Good morning your majesty, may I be allowed to enter her majesty's chambers?" Grendel looked down at Orcrist, and the tiny drop of blood that was seeping through her gown. "Oh, maybe I was a bit hasty, your majesty. I seemed to have let my Mumakil mouth overrun my Carc butt. Might I speak with your lovely mate about my darling mate?" Grendel started to step forward. Orcrist hadn't moved. "No." "Lady, What? You, what?" "I didn't stutter. I was quite clear. No, you may not speak to my mate. You may however leave the way you came and when you have found someone to fix milady's door, then you may find Balin, request an audience with me like a civilized person of court for next week at the earliest when I believe I am available and we will discuss your grievances at the weekly justice session. Now if you will excuse me, I believe I was about to have breakfast with my mate, when we were most rudely interrupted by a person with less manners than a scullery maid." Thorin slowly started to walk forward never releasing her from Orcrist's blade. Grendel walked backwards toward the shattered pieces of the door, careful not to stop or trip for fear of being impaled on one of the Middle Earth's famous swords, the other being Aragorn's sword Anduril. After stepping over the threshold, Grendel turned and ran as fast as she could down the hallway. Thorin turned to Lady Oakenshield, and burst into a peal of laughter. "Have you ever see a troll pale such a lovely shade of white, or run so fast? I'll bet she doesn't stop running until she's halfway through the Garden district! Frerin will be safe from her for the morning. Now where were we? Ah yes, breakfast, piece of roast beast, my dearest?" Thorin stabbed a large piece of something not quite recognizable with his dagger, and bit a chunk off. "Dori outdid himself this morning, don't you think." Frerin held his head in his hands and groaned. "I'll just lie down here in the gutter and let them bury me when they get around to it," he mumbled. "Then I will come back as a Ring-wraith and scare the braids off Nori and Bofur. Maybe I'll just crawl home and enjoy the pleasures of Grendel disemboweling me. It has to feel better than this." "Wake up, lad!" Bofur thumped Frerin on the back of the head. Frerin thought his brain had just shattered into a million tiny chips that would never find their way together again. "We're off to see King Thorin. He's got a plan to save your sorry hide. I'd have fed you to Smaug years ago. I wish you the best of luck, I really do." After a quick bucket of cold water over his head and clad in his princely attire, Bofur and Frerin headed to the throne room. When they arrived there were three knights dressed as hunters and one knight dressed as a stag standing in an eight squared arena of the parquet floor roped off by velvet cords. King Thorin and Lady Oakenshield were sitting on the dais in royal finery as befit attendance in the throne room. Grendel was lounging on a sofa, also dressed as only a princess would dress, except that she appeared to be firmly joined to the chaise by golden chains lazily attached to her ankles and rings in the floor. There was an empty chair sitting off to side of her sofa, Bofur guided Frerin there. "My prince." Frerin moved the chair a shade further from Grendel's sofa and sat down. "I've brought you both here to explain the game of Hunter and Fawn in a manner more advantageous than by simple words," Thorin's voice brooked no argument. "Though typically played on a small table board, with ivory and ebony figurines, I have chosen to play with life-sized characters so that Grendel can see that there is nothing the least bit improper in the game of Hunter and fawn. Knights if you will take your places. Grendel, I will play the Hunter. I have control of three Hunters. I can move them forward or diagonally left to right or up and down. The Lady Oakenshield will play the fawn or stag if you will. She can move in any direction. We take turns moving one step at a time. I can move any of my Hunters at any time, but only one at a time. I win if I can trap the fawn so she can no longer move. She wins if she escapes me, that is gets all the way to the left of the board. If my hunters move up and down ten times in a row, I am considered stalling and she wins by default." Thorin and Lady Oakenshield played the game they had made up over breakfast. She won twice and he won four times. After each win, they gave each other a chaste kiss on the cheek and congratulated the winner on such smart moves. "Cheater," they would whisper to each other, or "you let me win." "Had to, she was getting fidgety." "So Grendel, are you satisfied that no foolishness has occurred between our beloved mates?" Thorin put on his best "Thorin tilted head looking through the eyelashes" look. Once you've been transfixed by the Durin blue eyes you're lost. The mouth goes dry, the heartbeat increases, every nerve ending tingles. It becomes difficult to breathe. You're trapped like a fish in a barrel. You know you're not going to die, but you aren't going anywhere either. Grendel was in that barrel and she couldn't reach the rim. She could only hope that Frerin would rescue her. She'd be forever in his debt. She'd be the good wife, the obedient wife. She'd even quit sneaking out to see Bifur. She loved Bifur in a way, not as much as Frerin, and the fact that he could only speak Khuzdûl helped. Frerin hadn't learned enough of his native language to understand Bifur. Frerin looked at his wife. He knew she was caught in the Thorin web and if he didn't do something soon, he'd lose her to Thorin forever. Thing was he loved the little monster. Loved her even if she sneaked out and he'd followed her to Bifur's. "Axehead? There's no counting for taste. She'd married him hadn't she? Well, okay, then. Either I'm going to get my mate back or die trying. You might want to release my mate from your thrall, Thorin. That or I take your mate. Your choice." Thorin's head snapped back as if he'd been struck by Azog. "Beg your pardon, brother?" "That's my mate you're staring at, my king. I wish to take her home now, if you'll be so kind as to release her, mind, body and soul to me. I think we can consider this little misunderstanding closed. Agreed?" "Not so fast. There's still the matter of her threatening milady. Now I'm willing to overlook her using your bloody bones to beat milady since you still have your bones and appear to be in need of them. However, she did considerable damage to milady's chamber door and has neglected to have it repaired. I think she should stay where she is until that small problem is rectified. "Not a problem, Thorin. I'll get right on it. Yes sire, right on it. Bofur!" Grendel meanwhile had started to shake off the trance. "Your majesties, I have to get home and cook Frerin's dinner. I need to do the wash. It's marketing day." What was she saying? She was a member of the royal court, she didn't cook or go to market and wash? It wasn't even close to the Festival of Durin's Day yet and she'd already washed for the joining 4 months ago. "Damn that Thorin. What had he put in her head?" Thorin ducked his head and turned to look at Lady Oakenshield. His eyes were filled with delight. "You were right, it does work on the weak-minded. Now I know why it doesn't always work on you. I have to catch you off guard," he crooned, hiding the sound of his voice against his pelt. He looked across the throne room and realized his knights were still standing where he'd left them after the last game. "Dismissed, with many thanks, men. You have served your king well. Now if Oin and Gloin have finished carving the figurines so we can give Grendel her own game board of Hunter and Fawn," he sighed. "Such a waste of good talent." "Not so, my other half, they have decided to start a business selling the game. You know how Gloin loves to make money. The first complete sets are already being manufactured at the toy factory in Dale, and will be ready for sale at the Festival of Durin's Day. They're calling it Elves and Orcs. They're fashioning the Elves after Lord Elrond, Legolas, and King Thranduil. So you see, this wasn't a total lost." "Do you want to give Frerin a finder's fee, make him a partner in the business?" "Don't get quarrelsome. We solved the problem and saved their joining at the same time. Thanks to King Thror for making you learn the ancient Dwarf language. You would have never known she was still bedding Bifur. Why didn't Thrain make Frerin learn it?" "Because everyone speaks Westron now. Most people have no idea that I can also speak Sindarin and know some not so nice words in Black Speech. It pays to know what your enemies are saying when they think you don't know what they are saying." "I have had enough of being royal. I want to play our new game. I like it. I like it very much. Who's turn is it?" "Want to roll the die for it?" Thorin and Lady Oakenshield left the dais and by an Elvish door, they slipped quietly into a beautiful chamber that had not been used in 150 years. "This was King Thror's special room, for entertaining dignitaries that he wanted to feel safe," announced Thorin. "It's perfect." Lady Oakenshield pulled an ivory die out of her hidden pocket and tossed it on the night table. "5, beat that." Thorin picked it up, shook it and tossed it. "Ha! 6, Winner!" "It looks like it." She smiled. Stand here." She was too vulnerable when he was sitting. He could catch her between his legs. "May I remove your jacket, your majesty?" "You may." She slowly ran her hands under the shoulders of his pelted coat and slipped it down his arms. He leaned down to kiss her. She backed away before he could. "Does your mate know you try to kiss chamber maids, milord?" She asked, batting her eyes demurely. He laughed and stood back up. "We'll not tell her this time." Lady Oakenshield walked over to the chair and laid the coat across the seat. "May I remove your shirt, your majesty?" "You may." She lightly ran her fingers up the front of his shirt to loosen the laces holding it together. She could feel his muscles ripple as she caressed his chest. "If you don't move faster than that, it's going to take you all night to undress me, and you won't even have started on yourself, chambermaid." "That's the goal of the game, your majesty. To see how long it takes before you start trying to undress yourself or me. Why do you think I call it "Give in or Give Up? Now stand still, or I'll have to start all over again." Was that a whimper she heard from him?