before i die Jenny Downham

three

Of course we get into the club. There are never enough girls to go round on a Saturday night and Zoeys got a great body. The bouncers drool over her as they wave us to the front of the queue. She does a little shimmy for them as we go through the door and their eyes follow us across the lobby to the cloakroom. Have a lovely evening, ladies! they call. We dont have to pay. Were absolutely in charge.
After checking in our coats, we go to the bar and get two Cokes. Zoey adds rum to hers from the hip flask she keeps in her bag. All the students at her college do this, she says, because it makes going out cheaper. Not drinking is one prohibition Im going to stick to, because it reminds me of radiotherapy. I once got wasted between treatments on a mixture of stuff from Dads drinks cabinet, and now the two are stuck together in my head. Alcohol and the taste of total body irradiation.
We lean on the bar to survey the place. Its packed already, the dance floor hot with bodies. Lights chase across breasts, arses, the ceiling.
Zoey says, ve got condoms, by the way. Theyre in my bag when you need them. She touches my hand. You all right?
Yeah.
Not freaking out? No.
A whole room dizzy with Saturday night is exactly what I wanted. Ive begun my list and Zoeys doing it with me. Tonight Im going to cross off number one – sex. And Im not going to die until all ten are done.
Look, Zoey says. What about him? Shes pointing to a boy. Hes a good dancer, moving with his eyes shut, as if hes the only one here, as if
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he doesnt need anything other than the music. He comes every week. Dont know how he gets away with smoking dope in here. Cute, isnt he?
I dont want a druggie.
Zoey frowns at me. What the hell are you talking about?
If hes out of his head, he wont remember me. I dont want anyone pissed either.
Zoey slaps her drink down on the bar. I hope youre not expecting to fall in love. Dont tell me thats on your list.
Not really.
Good, because I hate to remind you, but time isnt on your side. Now lets get on with it!
She pulls me with her towards the dance floor. We get close enough for Stoner Boy to notice us, and then we dance.
And its all right. Its like being in a tribe, all of us moving and breathing at the same pace. People are looking, checking each other out. No one can take it away. To be here dancing on this Saturday night, dragging the eyes of a boy towards me in Zoeys red dress. Some girls never have this. Not even this much.
I know whatll happen next because Ive had plenty of time for reading and I know all the plots. Stoner Boy will come closer to check us out. Zoey wont look at him, but I will. Ill gaze for a second too long and hell lean towards me and ask me my name. Tessa, Ill say, and hell repeat it – the hard , the sibilance of that double , the hopeful . Ill nod to let him know he got it right, that Im pleased with how sweet and new it sounds on his tongue. Then hell hold out both arms, palms up, as if saying, I give in, what can I do with all that beauty? Ill smile coyly and look at the floor. This tells him he can make a move, that I wont bite, that I know the game. Hell
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wrap me in his arms then and well dance together, my head against his chest, listening to his heart – a strangers heart.
But thats not what happens. I forgot three things. I forgot that books arent real. I also forgot that I dont have time for flirting. Zoey remembers. Shes the third thing I forgot. And shes moving in.
This is my friend, she shouts to Stoner Boy above the music. Her names Tessa. Im sure shed like a drag on that joint of yours.
He smiles, passes it over, takes us both in, his gaze lingering on the length of Zoeys hair.
Its pure grass, Zoey whispers. Whatever it is, its thick and pungent at the back of my throat. It makes me cough, makes me dizzy. I pass it to Zoey, who inhales deeply, then passes it back to him.
The three of us are joined now, moving together as the bass pounds up through our feet and into our blood. Kaleidoscopic images flicker from the video screens on the walls. The joint goes round again.
I dont know how much time goes by. Hours maybe. Minutes. I know I mustnt stop and thats all I know. If I keep dancing, the dark corners of the room wont creep any nearer, and the silence between tracks wont get any louder. If I keep dancing, Ill see ships on the sea again, taste cockles and whelks and hear the creak snow makes when youre the first one to stand on it.
At some point Zoey passes over a fresh joint. Glad you came? she mouths.
I pause to inhale, stupidly stand still a second too long, forgetting to move. And now the spell is broken. I try to claw back some enthusiasm, but I feel as if a vulture is perched on my chest. Zoey, Stoner and all the other dancers are far away and unreal, like a TV programme. I dont expect to be included any more.
15

Back in a minute, I tell Zoey.
In the quiet of the toilet, I sit on the bowl and contemplate my knees. If I gather up this little red dress just a bit further, I can see my stomach. I still have red patches on my stomach. And on my thighs. My skin is as dry as a lizards, however much cream I smooth in. On the inside of my arms are the ghosts of needle marks.
I finish peeing, wipe myself and pull the dress back down. When I leave the cubicle, Zoeys waiting by the hand dryer. I didnt hear her come in. Her eyes are darker than before. I wash my hands very slowly. I know shes watching me.
Hes got a friend, she says. His friends cuter, but you can have him, since its your special night. Theyre called Scott and Jake and were going back to their place.
I hold onto the edge of the sink and look at my face in the mirror. My eyes seem unfamiliar.
One of the Tweenies is called Jake, I say.
Look, Zoey says, pissed off now, do you want to have sex or not?
A girl at the sink next to mine shoots me a glance. I want to tell her that Im not what she thinks. Im very nice really, shed probably like me. But theres not time.
Zoey drags me out of the toilet and back towards the bar. There they are. That ones yours.
The boy she points to has his hands flat against his groin, his thumbs looped through his belt. He looks like a cowboy with faraway eyes. He doesnt see us coming, so I dig my heels in.
I cant do it!
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You can! Live fast, die young, have a good-looking corpse!
No, Zoey!
My face feels hot. I wonder if theres a way of getting air in here. Wheres the door we came in from?
She scowls at me. You asked me to make you do this! What am I supposed to do now?
Nothing. You dont have to do anything.
Youre pathetic! She shakes her head at me, stalks off across the dance floor and out to the foyer. I scurry after her and watch her hand in the ticket for my coat.
What are you doing?
Getting your coat. Ill find you a cab, so you can piss off home. You cant go back to their house on your own, Zoey!
Watch me.
She pushes open the door and surveys the street. Its quiet out here now the queue has gone, and there arent any cabs. Along the pavement some pigeons peck at a takeaway chicken box.
Please, Zoey, Im tired. Cant you drive me home? She shrugs. Youre always tired.
Stop being so horrible!
Stop being so boring!
I dont want to go back to some strange boys house. Anything could happen.
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Good. I hope it does, because precisely zero is going to happen otherwise.
I stand awkwardly, suddenly afraid. I want it to be perfect, Zoey. If I have sex with a boy I dont even know, what does that make me? A slag?
She turns on me, her eyes glittering. No, it makes you alive. If you get in a cab and go home to Daddy, what does that make you?
I imagine climbing into bed, breathing the dead air of my room all night, waking up to the morning and nothing being any different.
Her smile is back. Come on, she says. You can tick the first thing off that bloody list of yours. I know you want to. Her smiles contagious. Say yes, Tessa. Come on, say yes!
Yes.
Hurrah! She grabs my hand, steers me back to the door of the club. Now text your dad and say youre staying at mine, and lets get a move on.
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