before i die Jenny Downham

thirty-eight

m going to be the only kid at school with a dead sister.
Itll be cool. Youll get out of homework for ages, and all the girls will fancy you.
Cal thinks about this. Will I still be a brother? Of course.
But you wont know about it.
I bloody will.
Are you going to haunt me?
You want me to?
He smiles nervously. I might be scared. I wont then.
He cant keep still, is pacing the carpet between my bed and the wardrobe. Something has shifted between us since the hospital. Our jokes arent as easy.
Throw the telly out the window if you want, Cal. It made me feel better.
I dont want to.
Show me a magic trick then.
He runs off to get his stuff, comes back wearing his special jacket, the black one with the hidden pockets.
Watch very carefully.
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He ties two silk handkerchiefs together at one corner and pushes them into his fist. He opens his hand finger by finger. Its empty.
How did you do that?
He shakes his head, taps his nose with his wand. Magicians never give their secrets away.
Do it again.
Instead, he shuffles and spreads a pack of cards. Choose one, look at it, dont tell me what it is.
I choose the queen of spades, and then replace her in the pack. Cal spreads the cards again, face-up this time. But shes gone.
Youre good, Cal!
He slumps down on the bed. Not good enough. I wish I could do something bigger, something scary.
You can saw me in half if you like.
He grins, but almost immediately starts to cry, silently at first, and then great gulping sobs. As far as I know this is only the second time hes ever cried, so maybe he needs to. We both act as if he cant help it, like its a nosebleed that has nothing to do with how he might be feeling. I pull him close and hold him. He sobs into my shoulder, his tears melt through my pyjamas. I want to lick them. His real, real tears.
I love you, Cal.
Its easy. Even though it makes him cry ten times harder, Im really glad I dared.
Number thirteen, to hold my brother as dusk settles on the window ledge.
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Adam climbs into bed. He pulls the duvet right up under his chin, as if hes cold or as if hes afraid that the ceiling might fall on his head.
He says, Tomorrow your dads going to buy a camp bed and put it on the floor down there for me.
Arent you going to sleep with me any more?
You might not want it, Tess. You might not want to be held.
What if I do?
Well, then Ill hold you.
But hes terrified. I see it in his eyes.
Its all right, I let you off.
Shush.
No, really. I free you.
I dont want to be free. He leans across and kisses me. Wake me up if you need me.
He falls asleep quickly. I lie awake and listen to lights being switched off all over the town. Whispered goodnights. The drowsy creak of bedsprings.
I find Adams hand and hold it tight.
m glad that night porters and nurses and long-distance lorry drivers exist. It comforts me to know that in other countries with different time zones, women are washing clothes in rivers and children are filing to school. Somewhere in the world right now, a boy is listening to the merry chink of a goats bell as he walks up a mountain. Im very glad about that.
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