before i die Jenny Downham

ten

Dad says, Hey, youre up! Then he notices the mini-dress Im wearing and his lips tighten. Let me guess. Youre seeing Zoey?
Anything wrong with that?
He pushes my vitamins to me across the kitchen table. Dont forget these. Usually he brings them up on a tray, but he wont have to bother today. Youd think thatd make him happy, but he just sits there watching me swallow pill after pill.
Vitamin E helps the body recover from post-irradiation anaemia. Vitamin A counters the effects radiation has on the intestine. Slippery elm replaces the mucous material lining all the hollow tubes in my body. Silica strengthens the bones. Potassium, iron and copper build up the immune system. Aloe vera is for general healing. And garlic – well, Dad read somewhere that the properties of garlic are not yet properly understood. He calls it vitamin X. All washed down with unprocessed orange juice and a teaspoon of unrefined honey. Yum, yum.
I slide the tray back in Dads direction with a smile. He stands up, takes it to the sink and clunks it down. I thought, he says, turning on the tap and swirling water round the bowl, that you were feeling some nausea and pain yesterday.
m fine. Nothing hurts today.
Dont you think it might be wise to rest?
Which is dangerous territory, so I change the subject rapidly and turn my attention to Cal, who is mashing his cornflakes into a soggy pile. He looks just as glum as Dad.
Whats wrong with you? I say.
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Nothing.
Its Saturday! Arent you supposed to be glad about that? He looks fiercely at me. You dont remember, do you? Remember what?
You said youd take me shopping in half term. You said youd bring your credit card. He closes his eyes very tightly. I knew you bloody wouldnt!
Calm down! Dad says in that warning voice he uses when Cal begins to lose it.
I did say that, Cal, but I cant today.
He looks at me furiously. I want you to!
So then I have to, because its in the rules. Number two on my list is simple. I must say yes to everything for one whole day. Whatever it is and whoever asks it of me.
I look down at Cals hopeful face as we step out through the gate and suddenly feel a lurch of fear.
m going to text Zoey, I tell him. Tell her were on our way.
He tells me he hates Zoey, which is tough, because I need her. Her energy. The fact that things always happen when shes around.
Cal says, I want to go to the playground. Arent you a bit old for that?
No. Itll be fun.
I often forget hes just a kid, that theres a bit of him that still likes swings and roundabouts and all that stuff. Not much to harm us in the park
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though, and Zoey texts back to say fine, she was going to be late anyway and will meet us there.
I sit on a bench and watch Cal climb. Its a spiders web of ropes and he looks so small up there.
m going higher! he shouts. Shall I go right to the top?
Yes, I shout back, because I promised myself. Its in the rules. I can see inside planes! he yells. Come and look!
Its difficult climbing in a mini-dress. The whole web of ropes swings and I have to kick my shoes to the ground. Cal laughs at me. Right to the top! he orders. Its really bloody high, and some kid with a face like a bus is shaking the ropes at the bottom. I haul myself up, even though my arms ache. I want to see inside planes too. I want to watch the wind and catch birds in my fist.
I make it. I can see the top of the church, and the trees that line the park and all the conker pods ready to burst. The air is clean and the clouds are close, like being on a very small mountain. I look down at all the upturned faces.
High, isnt it? Cal says.
Yes.
Shall we go on the swings next? Yes.
Yes to everything you say, Cal, but first I want to feel the air circle my face. I want to watch the curve of the earth as we slowly shift round the sun.
I told you it would be fun. Cals face is shining with good humour. Lets go on everything else!
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Theres a queue at the swings, so we go on the seesaw. Im still heavier than him, still his big sister, and I can slam my legs on the ground so he bounces high and screams with laughter as he falls back hard on his bum. Hell have bruises, but he doesnt care. Say yes, just say yes.
We go everywhere – the little house at the top of the ladder in the sandpit, where we just fit in. The motorbike on a giant spring, which veers drunkenly to one side when I sit on it, so I scrape my knee on the ground. Theres a wooden beam and we pretend were gymnasts, an alphabet snake to walk, a hopscotch, some monkey bars. Then back to the swings, where a queue of mums with their bits of tissue and fat-faced babies tut at me as I beat Cal to the only available one. My dress flashes thigh. It makes me laugh. It makes me lean back and swing even higher. Maybe if I swing high enough, the world will be different.
I dont see Zoey arrive. When Cal points her out, shes leaning against the entrance to the playground watching us. She mightve been there for ages. Shes wearing a crop top and a skirt that only just covers her bum.
Morning, she says as we join her. I see you started without me. I feel myself blush. Cal wanted me to go on the swings.
And you had to say yes, of course.
Yes.
She looks thoughtfully at Cal. Were going to the market, she tells him. Were going to buy things and talk about periods, so youre going to be really bored.
He looks up at her crossly, his face smeared with dirt. I want to go to the magic shop.
Good. Off you go then. See you later.
He has to come with us, I tell her. I promised him.
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